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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended he said this?

192 replies

Maramay · 28/07/2024 03:52

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 06:53

Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

I think this is the crux and why I think the OP and her boyfriend are stuck in an unhealthy dynamic. This isn't a relationship that pre dates the grief, it's one came out of it. The relationship wouldn't exist if his dad hadn't died and she hadn't stepped in to care for him and take on the role of making it better for him.

OneReformedCharacter · 28/07/2024 06:53

How healthy is this relationship really? You’ve started it up when he’s grieving and now you seem put out that you haven’t turned out to be his saviour even though you’ve tried really, really hard to be.

your whole post seems off to me.

LBFseBrom · 28/07/2024 06:54

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/07/2024 05:09

I hope you step away from this relationship a bit. It sounds like he’s using you. There’s no need to tell him - just distance.
this just reminds me of friends who used to use me as a dumping ground; I got all the misery and depression, and then they’d go out and have fun with other people. I was too much of a people pleaser, and had to learn to find better friendships.
I know this has turned into a romantic relationship, and that makes it worse.

Edited

I agree.

Op, you are far too invested in this relationship. It's good to be kind and sympathetic when people have problems but not to the point that you feel 'miffed' if they go out and have a good time with other friends. You are not, I think, a trained counsellor/psychotherapist.

Do you really want to be with a habitual drunk?

Leave it alone and be a bit more casual with this man, you are too intense. He is not your 'boyfriend', you have no claim on him. Do some things that you enjoy, see your other friends. The world is your oyster!

Good luck.

AzureAnt · 28/07/2024 07:03

He's using yoi as an emotional crutch. What are you getting from the relationship? Not a lot by the sound of it!!.

GlowFlo · 28/07/2024 07:10

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 04:25

I'd just ditch him, to be honest. Sounds like you are doing a lot, receiving little and are unhappy with what you are receiving - why not move on and find someone that suits better?

And you're nobody's comfort blanket or counsellor, you've given him plenty of time to cry on your shoulder. If you've had enough, that's fine.

Edited

This.

waterrat · 28/07/2024 07:14

Drinking doesn't cure sadness as others have said - but I suspect this is about more than one night?

If you feel this strongly about it I suspect you have wondered if he is a bit of miserable person leaning on you without romance to balance it out.

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 07:17

EerieSilence · 28/07/2024 05:47

You were his crutch, she is his physio.
I think he just progressed in his life and put you on a back shelf. Apologies for the bluntness but it's better to know this is the end.

This is well put.

Lurkingandlearning · 28/07/2024 07:18

Maramay · 28/07/2024 04:04

Sorry to reply to my own post - just thinking it through.

Would like to send him a text, for when he wakes up tomorrow, saying “hey, been giving it some thought and given femalefriend was able to show you the best night ever, and really cheer you up, and I’ve really never managed to, I’ll probably step away from this now as it doesn’t sit right that you should be with someone who can’t even make you half as happy as a drunk night out did. Best of luck with everything”.

I know I shouldn’t say that, of course, but that’s how I feel.

Why shouldn’t you say that? You are no one’s therapist and clearly your patience, kindness not to mention forgoing the social life you would have enjoyed were a waste of time. What he needed was was to go on a bender with her. Funny how when she offered that all his misgivings about drinking disappeared.

Ditch him and find someone you can have the best night of your life with. I guarantee that will never be him

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 07:23

Lurkingandlearning · 28/07/2024 07:18

Why shouldn’t you say that? You are no one’s therapist and clearly your patience, kindness not to mention forgoing the social life you would have enjoyed were a waste of time. What he needed was was to go on a bender with her. Funny how when she offered that all his misgivings about drinking disappeared.

Ditch him and find someone you can have the best night of your life with. I guarantee that will never be him

Show quote history

I suggest she doesn't send it, not because it's wrong or that she's wrong, but I have a strong suspicion that he will then arc up, claim she's insecure and needy and blab to anyone who will listen to him about what a meany she was. Anytime a woman has boundaries she is painted as insecure and needy, especially by men who are disrespectful to women.

I believe she should ditch him with finality, and give him no reason beyond it's not working out for her, thanks for the memories, goodbye.

randoname · 28/07/2024 07:29

Maramay · 28/07/2024 04:04

Sorry to reply to my own post - just thinking it through.

Would like to send him a text, for when he wakes up tomorrow, saying “hey, been giving it some thought and given femalefriend was able to show you the best night ever, and really cheer you up, and I’ve really never managed to, I’ll probably step away from this now as it doesn’t sit right that you should be with someone who can’t even make you half as happy as a drunk night out did. Best of luck with everything”.

I know I shouldn’t say that, of course, but that’s how I feel.

Why don’t you think you should say this?
Why is it your job to fix him?
What makes you happy about the relationship?

MummyJ36 · 28/07/2024 07:29

I would step back OP. Send the text if you want but either way, relationships based off of grief bonding are never a good idea.

PBandJ111 · 28/07/2024 07:32

Just move on ad your relationship isn’t working

IamnotSethRogan · 28/07/2024 07:37

He's probably too emotionally close to you to get drunk and let go. If you were supporting him through his fathers death he would probably drink and open up to you and then feel depressed. Him not being as close to this friend probably means that when he has a drink, he doesn't get in touch with certain emotions and can just let go a certain amount.

He was just drunk and happy, which isn't real happy. I hope you didn't send a message.

GoldenLegend · 28/07/2024 07:40

I’d end the relationship and just say you think it’s time to move on.

Narwhal23456 · 28/07/2024 07:40

CheekyHobson · 28/07/2024 04:29

I’m a bit 🤔at some of these responses. Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

OP I do think your boyfriend has behaved quite poorly and it’s drawing a rather long bow to make it all about his dad’s passing. If the relationship is otherwise very good I would give it a couple more days cooling-down period before raising why he went out drinking with a mate after telling you to avoid all mention, and that you found it a bit insensitive for him to call you drunk and raving about what an amazing time he was having with someone else.

If he can discuss it reasonably then, all good. If he brings it up himself without needing to be prompted, even better. But if he brushes off your feelings, I’d certainly be stepping away myself.

This.... my mum died 4 months a go and wouldn't behave like this. Hopefully op, you can get some coherent answers, however if I were you I'd be leading him to getting back on his feet by himself as you cannot be an emotional crutch n happy in this way.

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 07:41

You were his crutch, she is his physio.
I think he just progressed in his life and put you on a back shelf. Apologies for the bluntness but it's better to know this is the end.

Very succinct and very powerful. And summarises what, I think, a lot of posters (me included) have said.

Theunamedcat · 28/07/2024 07:42

Sounds like he treated you like a rehab centre

Genevieva · 28/07/2024 07:44

You’ve been missing out on fun because of him, so of course it’s hurtful. He sounds self-obsessed. You are better off leaving him and finding someone who adores you, cares whether you had a good night out and doesn’t treat you like a free therapist and PA.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/07/2024 07:45

I agree - but don’t send the text as he can use this against you. Just meet up and have an honest chat. This isn’t working, you’ll still be there if he needs a friend etc.

HalfMumHalfBiccit · 28/07/2024 07:46

Firefly1987 · 28/07/2024 04:15

I voted YABU (although it seems I'm in the minority) because he's lost his dad only 10 months ago and now he's finally able to be in a place where he can actually enjoy a night out and you're upset he's had a good time. You've helped him through all the grief, he's not going to forget that-plus he couldn't wait to call you and tell you how much fun he's having. Because he wanted to share that with you. If the friend is no threat to you I'd just let it go and be happy for him that's he's finally in a place he can enjoy things again.

Agree

gardenmusic · 28/07/2024 07:46

I'm trying to copy Honestyiskind's messages because I agree with them, but they are not copying.
You have shown kindness and consideration to your friend, and in return have become 'the bad time friend' - the one with whom to share the bad times and the tears, while a night out with another friend has been great fun and let them feel good. (The euphoria will not last, grief does not work like that)
It's upsetting for you to hear his comments, and he has shown you your role in his life.
I would leave, it's a poor thanks for supporting him thus far.

Mybeltsblue · 28/07/2024 07:48

I can see why you're annoyed. I would be too, in the moment. It feels like a slap in the face.

But, I think the best course of action is to say nothing and calm down, tempting as it is to have it out right now.

This isn't about you or your relationship. He's had an expected night out and forgotten his problems, but today he will feel like shit because that's what alcohol does.

It might have done him so good in the sense it's reminded him he can have fun and enjoy socialising again.

But it was just a distraction, that's all. If he'd got that drunk with you he might have ended up sobbing because he trusts you.

This situation aside, your relationship does sound very hard work for something so new. Does he see a therapist or go to a support group? I would be wary of being his sole support system and chief happiness provider.

He needs to work through his grief himself, and you need to be his girlfriend first and foremost.

Lillers · 28/07/2024 07:49

I am going to go in a slightly different direction here, and ask… OP, do you quite like being his emotional support person? Lots of people here have suggested that he is using you etc, but I know very well that there are some people out there who really feel valued when someone is relying on them 100%, and get uncomfortable when that person starts to move away and need their support less.

charabang · 28/07/2024 07:50

I'd send the text. You don't have to be the reasonable, forgiving one. If he's hurt you by what he's said, let him know.

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 07:51

Theunamedcat · 28/07/2024 07:42

Sounds like he treated you like a rehab centre

I don't think he did it intentionally though.

I was going through a very difficult time when I began seeing my ex husband. Looking back, it was a very unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship, but neither of us realised it at the time. I needed someone and he needed to he needed. Much like the OPs situation in reverse. We'd been friends (with no hint of attraction) for years beforehand (since school) and the whole thing was a car crash from the start but neither of us could see it.

I'd imagine this situation is similar.