To be offended he said this?

[Maramay]

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

I don't understand the dramatics from you, unless you're more jealous of FF than you thought.

You know he's going to feel like shite today, and probably regret going out. Why rub salt in the wounds of a grieving man with a message like that?

And he's allowed to do what he wants, grieve how he wants, and drink with whoever he wants btw. The fact that you're stewing and see this as some huge betrayal says an awful lot about you.

I’d be hurt too. It’s not

YANBU to feel upset by this - what he said was thoughtless and insensitive.

I would definitely mention this when he's sobered up. Ask him if you're now "allowed" to suggest going out drinking together. And if the answer is no, I would be even more pissed off!

Oops! I’d be hurt too. It’s not just that he’s having fun, it’s that you like to go out and have a drink but the whole time you’ve been with him that’s not only something he doesn’t want to do with you but you feel he’d judge you as a bad friend if you even suggested it. But this woman does and he says yes and goes and has a great time. I’d have to say look either you do go for a night out or you don’t. But if you don’t even want me to suggest doing that, but you’ll not only happily go out with others but call me to say how much fun you’re having, then we aren’t working. I’d like to go for a night out with you. I won’t be in a relationship with anyone who only does that with other people, not me.

And don’t take any bullshit in this conversation either, if he gets mad at you for not letting him be happy, you say clearly you’re happier with other people and I’ll let you be happy. Bye. If he says oh he understands and ‘he’ll work towards being able to go out with you’ you say you didn’t seem to need to do any ‘working towards’ last night, but ok. You do that and you can give me a call when you feel you’ve worked towards it sufficiently.

You were his crutch, she is his physio.
I think he just progressed in his life and put you on a back shelf. Apologies for the bluntness but it's better to know this is the end.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

That really doesn’t sound lovely, grief or no grief. And then he went on a night out with a mutual female friend, but you didn’t go? Distinctly unlovely. I’d have been pissed off before that phone call.

Are you serious? What is she supposed to do next, hold his bucket and wipe the sweat off his face while he's puking just to show what a doormat she is?
He repeatedly told her she can't socialise when with him because he didn't want to be around the booze.She did everything for him.
Then he goes off on a big booze fest with someone else. Man or woman, it's irrelevant.

I’d be hurt as well. He didn’t need to rub your nose in it, or was that the alcohol talking? He hasn’t come to terms with losing his Father by a long way, it sounds as if this party gave him some temporary breathing space. I hope he doesn’t use this to anaesthetise his pain too often. I’d probably pull back a little and see if he genuinely wants a relationship with you. Time will tell.

I agree with this. You’ve been used as his emotional crutch. There’s no longevity in this relationship. It was borne out of him needing emotional support and he’s moving on from that. You need to cut ties and move on yourself.

I don't think it's a very healthy relationship dynamic. Let him heal on his own and then once he knows he can handle life (without alcohol) see if he wants you in it.

Yes I would step back. To be honest you sound like you have thought of him much more than yourself and he has rubbed your nose in it. You cant keep someone wrapped up in cotton wool. Its sad he has lost his dad but we all go through that and get on as best we can. He sounds very self centered and loves the thought of having two women look after him. My advice is ditch him. Who needs to constantly pander to someone elses needs. Put yourself first and rid yourself of this man who by the sounds of it dosnt love you. There is no future in this for you. Just move on and hopefully meet someone who makes you happy.

It reads like you have taken on the role of support person. Is that what you want?

It is lovely that you have supported him but it's ok to want more in a relationship. If the relationship is nice but not fun thus early on I'd question it.

Agree with PP you have taken on the maternal cater role that centres everything about what he needs and wants , the friend has come along like light relief, a mate and off he goes leaving you at home.
You are not married, you haven't agreed to stick by him through the good times and bad or had his support through your bad times, like a healthy long established relationship does.
You don't really owe him anything and I think you will find it hard to ever step out of this selfless Mum dynamic and always be expected to tiptoe and put him first ( or will just do it subconsciously as he will continue to act like the person in charge with the most important needs).
It can be hard to be with someone suffering depression because they can be very self obsessed / indulgent and all you want to do is make it better and hope for the big payoff later.

Many people experience the trauma of grief without becoming controlling arseholes.

It sounds like the penny has dropped for you and you are probably just going to start feeling more and more resentful towards him.

I'd say send whatever message you (but a face to face conversation probably better) like, because it sounds like you are done here and therefore possible comeback from being knee jerk honest isn't really your concern.
If you feel angry and hurt why should you have to suppress that.

Remember how you felt last night and try not to be talked down because the feelings will just come back.

The night out and his behaviour around it has just shined a light on the bigger problems in your unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

I’d text him and say “Great to hear you had a good night - when are we going clubbing now you’re up for it again?”

See what he replies to that.

He's grieving!!

Just this really.

I was with someone depressed like that too. Almost dragged me down as well. You're fighting a losing battle. He'll be back depressed next week or even tomorrow. No thanks. Move on and waste no more of your valuable life.

And please don't send the text. It sounds petty and childish.

Don't text. Wait and see today. If he thinks that's the way forward, to go out and get drunk more, then I would reconsider the relationship. But he knows really that it's not what helps long term or he would have been doing it with you.

It gave him a temporary night off from grief.

Having said that I think some pp are right that it's opportunity to look at your relationship and see if you're both stuck in certain grieving roles.

It seems I’m in the minority but OP you sound extremely selfish. The man went and let loose. He’ll be back to being depressed tomorrow (probably with a hangover on top) and then you can go back to “cheering him up” you should be delighted for him that he managed to have a good night.

I'd be worried that this is a relationship built upon the foundation of grief, depression, compassion and support rather than on mutual interests and attraction especially if you were friends beforehand.

Once relationship dynamics have been set, it's hard to change them and he has asked you not to suggest nights out drinking and then goes out with someone else to do that very thing. I'd be concerned you're hs support partner and may always be that.

In essence, its not an equal relationship. People do develop feelings for others in times of severe cell emotional upset because their emotions are heightened. It's why therapists are aware of transference.

This is awful, brings back painful memories, step away - otherwise if you stay friends, he will invited you to their wedding and will expect you to be happy for them. Had a good uni friend like that, thought he was into me, we did hang out almost every evening together, went to classes together, went on holiday together! Talked about what we wanted from life, relationships and then he is suddenly 'can't wait to tell you - I have met her!' My sister even thought up an elegant way out of spending time with him 'You met somebody, now I need to spend my time on meeting somebody too, I can't see you so often anymore' but I tried to 'rise above that' and caused myself immeasurable hurt by pretending to be his friend and continued to see him occasionally, only to hear about what he was thinking of doing to 'surprise her', which trips he was going to take her on. Step away now.

Was going to say the same but @CheekyHobson said it first.

Don't send the text, but do step back and start spending time on doing things that make you happy.

To add. I don't actually think he's done anything wrong. Or that he's done it on purpose. He won't be aware of the unhealthy dynamic any more than you are. But at the moment he is in a place of needing to meet his own needs and doesn't have the capacity to consider yours.