I would swap with her in an instant

[Cookiecrumblane]

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

Goodness me! Love yourself for what you are. Do not ever underestimate for what you are and that which you have achieved. Jealousy is a thief. Cripes!

Are you joking? Surely this isn’t real? I’m depressed if it is

That's absolutely bonkers.
Shes explained to you that her life is falling apart, all the things you're saying should be easier for her clearly aren't. And even if they were looks fade. If life was easier because you're pretty, it wouldn't last long.

No don’t get this at all - just can’t imagine being so obsessed with looks - there are supermodels and actresses in the world who would have the same effect but I don’t spend my life wishing to look like them

I just want to be the best version of myself and succeed in my own right

Anyway looks fade - and she doesn’t seem happy despite her looks

Think you should get a hobby

I'm hoping this is a joke, if not, you need some serious therapy.

Do you think this isn't about this pretty woman at all and it might be about you being single?

FWIW I agree that pretty women very often have an easier life. But because they have always looked the way they look, they don't always realise it.

What nonsense.

When I was younger and prettier I got lots of unwanted attention from men. Had my bum pinched more times than I can count. I've also consistently experienced people assuming I wasn't very intelligent. I also wasn't aware I had reasonable looks I only see that now I look back- most women will be unhappy with parts of their appearance. Yes people do open doors for you and serve you quicker but it's not an even pay off in my opinion. Now I'm older and less attractive I prefer how people treat me generally

Oh @Cookiecrumblane comparison is the thief of joy and you know it already. Being beautiful comes with benefits and she might do well or she might not. It can also be really shitty to be beautiful. I wouldn't know personally but at school my BFF was gorgeous and it caused her no end of trouble. Boys competing over her like a trophy etc. It is ok to have a wistful moment but don't let it detract from your achievements and your beauty. You have no idea of whether she was sat thinking I hope I can achieve what this woman has in the next 10 years so I'm not a sobbing jobless mess in public.

Men feel this way so much they've set up entire InCel communities online where they designate who is a Chad (attractive alpha male) and hate on attractive women for not wanting them as self-identified Beta males. Remember Eliot Rogers hero to them all for gunning down women? We just tend to turn it inwards rather than outwards.

Also you don't know what your je ne sais quoi is. I have always had a thing for men with a gap between their two front teeth. No idea why and they never like it about themselves. Men I've dated have often been weird about how sexy my voice is. I can't hear it. But when someone gives me a compliment I've learned to say oh I'll keep that for later thank you and I really do.

What in god’s name makes you think pretty girls have it easier than anybody else?
They may get a foot in the door, but when the boss finds out they can’t type or file or answer the phone or add or use the copier?
They’re out.
Only 2% of pretty girls are models. And only 2% of those make it big.
And beauty is only skin deep. And it fades fast. Intelligence lasts a lifetime.
You should be happy that you’re you.
The grass is never ever greener.

Well being pretty didn't stop her being sacked did it.

Excessive Male attention is not all its cracked up to be, and basing your entire self worth on it despite having made a success of your life is absolutely pathetic, yes.

My daughter is frequently commented upon as “pretty” and she says it’s actually stressful, because everyone expects you to look good always and immediately notice and point out with relish if you get a pimple, eye bags etc.

And getting attention from men at work of all ages is another form of invisible pressure in itself, a lot of it unwanted and harassing.

Not long ago, she was worrying about the aging process ahead of her. I feel sad that society has put a value on her based on her looks.

Same

Because ultimately she’ll end up ok
Is that mad?

she’s not ok now though is she? and you have no way of telling if she will be ok ‘ultimately’

and no you coveting looks or being visible over self-esteem is not ‘mad’, it is sad because it speaks to how unhappy you must be inside to think like that

and thinking like that whilst she is crying and seeking help or comfort from you shows a disturbing lack of empathy and sympathy - but again is still human

I am not that woman but have experienced some of the things you say this woman has, and many of the things - and much worse - that PP talked about - not because I was pretty but because I was vulnerable

so I would not choose to swap places with you, even if it meant I had a job, money, my own home, because I would not wish to inflict on anyone else the life I’ve lived so far

and especially not on to someone who despite having many things I don’t is still unhappy - because that would mean you would trail that vulnerability with you - pretty or not

from the outside I may look like I’m already ‘ok in the end’ but that’s more due to my inner strengths not outer conventional prettiness, and few people, if anyone at all, will understand the on-going pain, fear and struggle I face daily just to keep myself alive

I suggest you look to strengthen your inner self not covet the outer covering and real or imagined luck of others.

You are so wrong.

I have an incredibly beautiful friend and she is single too.
Mid-forties, her relationships just haven’t worked out. Nothing to do with looks.
However, I would say she is living her best left and getting on with it.

Ask yourself, if being single is getting you down… what steps can you take to get yourself out of this funk..? It sounds like you may be rather depressed OP… 💐

*best life

You’re not wrong- there’s something known as “pretty privilege,” but it comes at a high cost. Those men served her because they wanted her. The second they made a move and she turned them down, you’d be shocked at how quickly that politeness can turn into something uglier than you can imagine.

I say this from experience.

what you’re imagining her life is like - I can guarantee you, it isn’t.

when someone is seen as pretty, they’re also seen as a thing. A commodity to possess, to buy and sell. And it comes with owing - owing everyone who wants. Either owing explanations, owing a horrible people-pleasing dance to try to get out of a situation without being harmed, owing your time, energy and attention just to try to stay safe.

her life isn’t good. She is crying for a reason. Please don’t wish that hell on yourself.

I agree either way this.
I felt incredibly vulnerable when I was younger. Men's attention was sexual attention and predatory. Not nice.
I am hoping my DD isn't beautiful (I wasn't beautiful, probably just attractive) because I think beautiful women get treated like shit.

Seriously? You could have supported this woman without drawing parallels to yourself. This says way more about you than it does her. Maybe start a thread asking for help with your own issues..

Thing is, you’re not really imagining a true swap. You are imagining looking like her, but being as intelligent and together as you are. Clearly she’s not always praised in every job, or she wouldn’t have got the sack would she?

@Cookiecrumblane I'm sure men don't feel this way.

Well the data shows that attractive people (including men) earn far more than unattractive men, so I'm not sure why you think that.

This has got to be written by man, surely?

"Men cross the road to be near her" is not something any woman would wish for!

OP, if you are actually a woman, give your head a wobble.

When I was younger I was slim and attractive (although I couldn't see it at the time). I probably did get served quicker in bars and experienced positive bias.

However my memory isn't of an easy life, but of constant hassle from men, including many sexual assaults. Men crossing the road to be near you is a scary experience IME, definitely not a nice one.

Now I'm much older and larger, I am invisible to those kinds of men. It's glorious. I can walk through the world without them noticing me or hassling me, and thank fuck for that.

I still manage to be employed, however.

I have a relative who is very attractive. Her life is a fucking mess and she is plagued with mental health issues. Her physical health is also now failing. She’s never had a healthy relationship. Her financial situation is bad too. And now in late forties her looks are starting to fade.

So no, you can’t assume that everything will turn out fine for the pretty young woman, just because she’s pretty.