I would swap with her in an instant

[Cookiecrumblane]

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

I'm sure I'll be shouted out here but..... men notice the pretty girls first, but after a while you start to realise that it's very hard work. Usually it means that they are vain, self centered, have not had good relationships, have no understanding of humour or self deprecation. You then start to think about it all and think yeah it's nice to have arm candy but that's all she is. Women who have always been beautiful are usually able to get away with eye fluttering discounts by weak men who think they've got a chance to get them into bed.
I stupidly did go out with someone like that but they were not the right fit for me and when I tried to have adult conversations they acted like a child, because they had never had to mature or know how to accept disappointment. That sealed the fate of our relationship because I wanted to have kids, not be with a teenager. I then created rules for myself. If a woman takes 30 minutes to 'put on makeup' or won't leave the house without war paint. If they can't discuss things without shrieking if we have different views, if they don't laugh, if you can't imagine them putting others first, if they are more interested in dancing than a cosy night in and if they can't admit to making mistakes ever, then it's a no go war zone. I guess I am pleased I went out with one of those types because I know what the warning signs are now.

Men do get this, there just aren’t that many gorgeous ones!

Only around 4% of women are tall enough to be models
And that is the shorter end of modelling.

From my friends and people I know over the years who were considered naturally beautiful or pretty

They are still beautiful and attractive women

Looks don’t fade unless the look relied heavily on intervention like hair style and makeup

Quite.😂

Omg! I'm objectively a quite pretty woman (though chronically ill now) often hit on or complemented by men walking outdoors even now at nearly 50. Can sometimes get better service for doing nothing. Have had times where I have had things done for me for free or wangled myself out of a sticky situation just for being attractive etc.

My life (and now health) has been EXTREMELY difficult because of a poor start in life, many negative life experiences. Today I am dirt poor and struggling. I'd love a real taste of typical life success. Also it didn't stop my DH leaving me for someone else, this same DH still complements my looks now. But what fat good is that? If anything it's shallow attachment. That's a massive pitfall of being good looking. You cannot tell if someone is attracted to you or your looks.

I do agree that being pretty is advantageous. But it really evens out if you lack far more useful skills and a good secure upbringing.

Also there's the 'Pretty Trumps Prettier' games. My cousin is supermodel material, fantastic bone structure, she just didn't get blessed with the height...dominates me any time we're in the same room. I don't stand out next to her, and it's the same with other women who are prettier and yes especially (and now somewhat painfully) YOUNGER. Because Pretty fades.

Of course there's real models actresses etc who earn principally because of their looks (you read some of their stories and some of them were scouted fresh out of school and instantly earning megabucks) and that's unfair of nature in my book but they can still struggle to maintain that for a long career and have issues.

You're the sort of person I admire and envy OP and am wishing myself to be more like! Be happy with yourself and your real success that, unlike looks, endures!

You would rather your life was falling apart because you'd get served quicker at a bar and a door held open for you?

Open your own doors and continue being accomplished. I know a few "beautiful" people and their lives are not easier. They don't get jobs easier (in fact one of them actively battles the stereotype that she must be stupid).

If you're going to compare, compare everything. And the significance of it. Your good job Vs her no job - what's the impact on life? Served immediately at a bar Vs waiting 5 minutes - what's the impact on life? Financially secure Vs no -what's the impact? Men hold doors open Vs having to open a door - what's the impact?

The way you're thinking right now is very shallow and not helpful to a good life.

Nothing ironic about how the younger woman's life and confidence was falling apart, and there was no real concern or empathy from the op? Just jealousy of her looks?

That's the typical 'pretty privilege' .

Looks don’t fade unless the look relied heavily on intervention like hair style and makeup

A beautiful woman or man tends to still be beautiful as they age particularly if they have good bone structure. But looks do fade somewhat, faces get longer & thinner, noses change shape, teeth can move etc

This can’t be real???

“That proves the point - she married a scruffy academic. I can just imagine a host of PhD female students, 10 times clever than her, asking 'why not me?' Even 'scruffy' academics are attracted to beauty, not brains, sadly.”

Is it possible she’s beautiful AND exactly as clever, if not more, than your hypothetical host of PhD students?
Maybe her scruffy academic husband had the intelligence to look beyond her physical attributes and see an interesting and multifaceted human being, rather than just reducing her to a collection of aesthetically pleasing parts.

I understand where you are coming from. I think this is a case of appreciating something that you don’t have and can’t get however hard you try. I don’t think I’d go as far to swap everything to be beautiful and I think you’re assuming you retain your intellect and drive which this other woman clearly lacks.

I'm presuming this isn't real, but if it is then the OP shows some seriously sociopathic tendencies

Most of your issues with this beautiful woman (the fact that you’ve called her a teenager is very concerning and says a lot more about you than her…) are nothing to do with her looks. You chose her because of her looks and then complain that she takes care of herself (taking half an hour to get ready is not a long time at all) and if she didn’t laugh… maybe you’re not as funny as you think you are. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to go out dancing (particularly if you were dating a teenager…).

You say that they “acted like a child” but I’d be interested to know how old they were and how much older you were… If you date much younger women to make yourself feel good, they probably won’t be interested in having children and may not be that mature yet.

I think we need pictures of this out of this world stunning woman 🙈 Men crossing the road to walk near her is quite creepy.

I wouldn’t say being stunning fixes everything, she might not end up ok at all. Start with Marilyn Monroe and work your way up through the decades of gorgeous women living seriously complex lives. From my own circle, one of the prettiest women was once in the kitchen at a party surrounded by 10 people telling her to move that knife away from her wrists. Another has 3 kids with 3 partners and now lives with her parents. Good looks being your defining characteristic can really mess with your MH/ the kind of people you attract.

Oh and also. It may be harder to move up the career ladder if you’re really hot. People will let you in the door but many will think you’re just there because you’re cute, you need to work harder to show you know your stuff. If you make serious mistakes, like she did, you will be let go, like she was. How many FTSE100 board members or government ministers look like her?

You need to work on your confidence and self-belief, sometimes that just comes naturally with life experience.

’Attractive’ isn’t just a set of physical parameters society at the time approves of, it’s how you present yourself to the world.

Lol academia is full of insecure men who believe they are geniuses so it’s of absolutely no surprise that one of them would pick beauty over brains. Also a lot of female PhD students wouldn’t touch academic men with a barge pole precisely because of the insecurity and narcissistic tendencies a lot of them have, where they have to be the “clever” one in the relationship. Also for anyone who wants an affluent lifestyle, academia doesn’t pay that well and many women marry men in more lucrative careers or stay single. There are exceptions obviously but I doubt there were hordes of disappointed female PhD students when he married ABBA lady.

If a woman takes 30 minutes to 'put on makeup' or won't leave the house without war paint. If they can't discuss things without shrieking if we have different views, if they don't laugh, if you can't imagine them putting others first, if they are more interested in dancing than a cosy night in and if they can't admit to making mistakes ever, then it's a no go war zone. I guess I am pleased I went out with one of those types because I know what the warning signs are now

I know women who arent beautiful who do this. I also know women who are beautiful and are highly intelligent, socially skilled, have a great sense of humour and modest.

You are being silly to assume its only "beautiful" women who do this and it comes across as being somewhat bitter by categorising all women who are attractive as "one of those types".

I don't know...that's happened to me and I'm not even beautiful.

She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.

If that was true she wouldn’t have been fired.

Some men are attracted to brains. Some men don't care that the outer packaging isn't a supermodel, because what they want is a partner.

PhDs don't have to marry PhDs, models don't have to marry models. People want, or actually crave, balance in their lives. I'm academic, I work in business improvement, I spend a lot of my day looking at numbers, spreadsheets, etc and talking to very intelligent people about numbers, spreadsheets, analysis. The last thing I want is more of the same at home.

My DH is a very smart man, but it's a different smart to me. He gives me something I can't get from people the same as me. I give him things he can't get from people the same as him. And we both love the whole person, not just the outer wrapping.

Maybe the "scruffy academic" loves the pretty girl for the whole person and the fact the packaging is pretty is just a bonus. Maybe they wouldn't look twice at the female PhDs working with them because they won't give them the balance most people are looking for in a partner.

Why do people assume because people are attractive they cant be intelligent. Many are both.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. It is possible to be both. A lot of posters seem unable to comprehend that, possibly to make themselves feel superior to the beautiful airheads of the world who are nothing but a trophy

Everyone can type these days, but I disagree with you anyway. Beautiful people are treated better, are more successful in life and that is scientifically proven.

Why do people assume because people are attractive they cant be intelligent. Many are both.

Attractive isn’t the same as beautiful, most people are attractive, most aren’t beautiful. But yes beautiful people can be intelligent.

Well her looks haven’t done her much to get her much respect or humanity from you, have they? There was a person crying their heart out to you, telling you their life was falling apart and all you could think about was how pretty she was?

That’s not a life I would want, being ignored and undervalued by those I trust with my deepest emotions and fears, being objectified and reduced to skin and bones in my most vulnerable moments by someone I’m confiding in. Having my entire being simplified, patronised and made into a commodity to be jealous of instead of being seen for who I am. No offer of help, only jealousy.

I don’t want to be either of you.

You're allowed to have whatever rules you want, but judging women on whether they do or do not apply make up or the fact they enjoy dancing is very, very shallow of you.

I don't wear make up (hey, do I tick one of your boxes? Yay me!), and I prefer staying in (oh joy, another box ticked) but I do also enjoy dancing and on occasion have raised my voice in an argument. Does that mean I'm struck off your list forever (please, God, say yes)???

Try getting to know a person as a whole rather than judging them on very superficial things.