To still be angry at my parents for this?

[ThatPeachSnake]

I had a horrific childhood. My parents were terribly unhappy together and got divorced when I was young. My dad lost all our money and we were poor. This spiralled, long divorce and my mum having horrific mental health issues, which was all taken out on me.

I did well and school and went to uni. I was a good child and did everything ‘by the book’. I never got in trouble or was any trouble to my parents - they often tell me that. In comparison to my sister, who is into drugs, doesn’t work and still lives at home.

when I finished uni, I had planned to get a job straight away in my career field, which was harder than I had realised. It took me about 6 months - but in the meantime, I got myself a job in a supermarket and stayed in my uni town in cheap accommodation until I could move on.

about 4 months in, I was asked to leave my accommodation. I had not signed a contract and it was a friend of a friends place (which obviously was a stupid move from me!). Essentially, I was made homeless overnight. Since I had no ties to my uni town, I reached out to my parents and asked either of them if I could come home and stay with them for a bit whilst I got my real job. I had no intention of staying there and they knew that. I was fiercely determined to move to London. However, in the meantime, I would have paid rent and got a job in my hometown to support myself whilst I was looking for my ‘career’ job. I was just scared and had no where to live and needed my parents. I sobbed down the phone to them for days begging for them to have me.

both said no and I‘m not really sure why. I was homeless and sofa surfing for the next few months until I was offered a job in London.

since then, I have done well for myself and have kind of brushed over the fact my parents did that. I could never ever do that to my child. After all this time, it is difficult to bring up to ask them why. I’m just so angry looking back at it. AIBU?

Did they help you financially?

Yanbu
Home will always be home for my children regardless of how old they are
I have adult children and I cannot fathom doing this to them

No they did not.

Remember that feeling, when you're expected to be the dependable child as they age.

YANBU at all, that's absolutely shocking. I would not be able to forgive them and I probably would have cut them out of my life.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist? It must be so hard to put your experiences behind you. Perhaps talking to someone would help?

Definitely not. I'm surprised you want anything to do with them to be honest. They were cruel and nasty to do that, you are their child.

I have not about my childhood/parents specifically but I know I need to. Just reading your reply made me burst into tears!

There has been so much that has happened over the years and it’s something I need to address.

YANBU. That was shitty behaviour - if there was any good reason you couldn't stay, they should have explained rather than just saying no. I would make a strong mental note that if they ever need to rely on you, you don't need to make any sacrifices for them.

It is shocking they cast you adrift.

You owe them nothing.

Your definitely not being unreasonable to feel angry looking back at them turning you down when you needed their help, I couldn't imagine doing that to my children. You should be proud for making a good life for yourself, it sounds as though you've done that on your own merit and it couldn't of been easy to do. Like another poster said, remember this when they look to you in their old age for someone to care for them.

all Parents I know have an open door policy so that their kids can return for one reason or another.

I even think if something terrible happened to me, and I was left alone with nothing, I would still be expected to sort myself out and couldn’t rely on them for a thing.

Thats horrible that they wouldn’t say of course come home until you get back on your feet.

Was it some sort of lesson in being an adult/ independent? They said you never caused any bother growing up so they may have viewed you as capable.

How was your sister allowed to live at home but you werent.

Have you ever had counselling to work through your difficult childhood. It wont change whats happened in the past but may help to process it.

Yanbu. I could not (and have not- I have adult children) do that to my child.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP .

My sister is younger and is also very immature. She moved into my bedroom when I moved out and I never had a room to go back to because my sisters room was turned into a dumping ground of ‘stuff’. I tried to make room so I could stay but it was a filthy/mouldy room. But then was punished for not going home enough and spending time with family through uni. It was truly awful.

I'm surprised you aren't NC with them.

Sending you a tight squeeze.

Sounds like they are very unsupportive. Is it worth having a calm discussion about why.

Think of it the other way perhaps. Something terrible already did happen and they weren’t there for you but you managed without them and you are totally self sufficient, thank goodness you don’t need to rely on them.

They let you down badly. What a phenomenal woman you are to have achieved your goals completely on your own merit.

I don’t get it … you sobbed down the phone for DAYS begging them. Yet you have no idea what their reason/excuse was?

How do you make a conversation last multiple days on he same subject if the person just says no?

This! You must’ve feel so frightened, rejected and alone when you were barely more than a child. You should always be able to depend on your parents to help you out in this way if they can whatever age you are.

My mum said ‘I’ll think about it’ and a few days later I phoned her back and she said she came to the conclusion that it would not work if I came home.

my dad flat out said no and to sort myself out.

I think at the time I was too mortified to ask why. I was really embarrassed about it. My friends were all asking why I couldn’t ‘just go home’ like they had and I couldn’t tell anyone why.

"I was just scared and had no where to live and needed my parents."

This really stood out to me.

They weren't parents to you. They didn't parent you. They were horrible, selfish, severely lacking individuals who don't know how to parent.

I'd stay well clear and absolutely wash my hands of them. Protect your own mental health.

You did nothing wrong.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour towards you OP.

They don't deserve you. 💐

Ahh thats just so shitty Im so sorry youve had to deal with this. Your parents really let you down.

Of course you are angry and rightly so.

You should be so proud of getting through your difficult childhood, getting your education and making a good life for yourself.