To still be angry at my parents for this?

[ThatPeachSnake]

I had a horrific childhood. My parents were terribly unhappy together and got divorced when I was young. My dad lost all our money and we were poor. This spiralled, long divorce and my mum having horrific mental health issues, which was all taken out on me.

I did well and school and went to uni. I was a good child and did everything ‘by the book’. I never got in trouble or was any trouble to my parents - they often tell me that. In comparison to my sister, who is into drugs, doesn’t work and still lives at home.

when I finished uni, I had planned to get a job straight away in my career field, which was harder than I had realised. It took me about 6 months - but in the meantime, I got myself a job in a supermarket and stayed in my uni town in cheap accommodation until I could move on.

about 4 months in, I was asked to leave my accommodation. I had not signed a contract and it was a friend of a friends place (which obviously was a stupid move from me!). Essentially, I was made homeless overnight. Since I had no ties to my uni town, I reached out to my parents and asked either of them if I could come home and stay with them for a bit whilst I got my real job. I had no intention of staying there and they knew that. I was fiercely determined to move to London. However, in the meantime, I would have paid rent and got a job in my hometown to support myself whilst I was looking for my ‘career’ job. I was just scared and had no where to live and needed my parents. I sobbed down the phone to them for days begging for them to have me.

both said no and I‘m not really sure why. I was homeless and sofa surfing for the next few months until I was offered a job in London.

since then, I have done well for myself and have kind of brushed over the fact my parents did that. I could never ever do that to my child. After all this time, it is difficult to bring up to ask them why. I’m just so angry looking back at it. AIBU?

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and I was horrified that a girl at school hated her dad. I loved my parents and they loved me and I assumed that all dads loved and cared for their kids. It turned out that this dad abused her both sexually and mentally. I still can't fathom the why. To treat your own child in such a disgraceful way is abhorrent and what he did to her and your parents did to you loses them the right to call themselves parents.

It is no wonder you are angry with them, but don't let it consume you. If you can channel the anger into a positive thing like helping other kids going through the same thing then that is great, but your parents are not worthy of all the energy you are using up being angry at them. It is easier said than done but by keeping them in your life you are only fuelling the anger, you need to cut ties completely and if it is at all possible move away. You want positive things in your life not negative ones to drag you down.

Absolutely shitty comment. Why are people like this?

Your upbringing sounds a lot like mine, OP. Sending you a huge hug — I know the kind of scars this cruelty leaves x

@Growlybear83 you sound like an amazing parent. Your dd is so lucky to have you on her team.

I think you have been so strong and it's inspiring to read about your accomplishments @ThatPeachSnake
I can remember when I moved out at 18 my sibling moved straight into my room and they redecorated it, much more thought and money than what I had for years. They were discussing it before I left. Sibling was the golden child and still is. Therapy is a good shout, I might do the same. I never felt welcome back and sibling lived there well into their late 20s. This is tame compared to what you went through. It stays with you unfortunately. I wish you much healing.

That's a lovely thing to say - thank you. But it never occurred to me to do anything else, or to want to do anything else. Reading this thread has made me so sad, and I wish there was something that could help to take the OP's hurt away, and all the others who have experienced similar in their lives.

Because it doesn’t ring true and I’m not gullible like so many on here.

Because she’s a twat. I have a friend who’s fallen on hard times. She’s 22. Her parents absolutely don’t give a toss where she lives as long as it’s not with them. She’s a lovely girl.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I have read every reply and I’m so grateful.

I spoke with my partner about it this weekend and really opened up for the first time. He’d known there were things that happened when I was younger but not details. I had been embarrassed to for so long. I’ve always liked to paint my family out to be much better than they are, because his family are so lovely and easy, I wanted him to feel the same about mine.

He was lovely and it was a relief to get some of it off my chest and be truly honest. I think some of your replies with similar stories helped me not feel so embarrassed. Thank you again xxx

That's wonderful OP! I'm glad that you were able to share your past in more detail with your partner, and that it appears to have helped somewhat.

when I was 16 I was ordered to leave home by my dad. I am the youngest of 6, I wasn't an angel, stole money from my older sisters for cigarettes, and sometimes 'borrowed' clothes. I'm not proud of it, I was wrong. 'Home' was not a nice, calm place. I never hated my mum or dad, I understood she struggled herself. we were beaten quite badly, squabbles encouraged, not much money, and never much parenting going on really. Only recently have I thrown out my diary from those terrible months of sofa surfing until I found a bedsit. I struggled for years being part of the family. I became close to my oldest sister for many years until I became pregnant with my first and she turned on me. pushing me out of the business we ran together. From then on I was excluded from family and all family events. Twice in my life, I have been forced out of my family. Now in my late 50s in my gorgeous home with my lovely hubby and 2 young adult sons. I thank them for what happened. My dad died over 30 years ago now, my mum died earlier this year. It was closure and an end to pretend family I had little or no contact with. I have what I have, a good group of loving friends, and a career I love, I run a charity as well. My recent illness has shown me that.
I believe things happen for a reason, I would not have the abundant life I have now if I had still been part of their squabbles and nastiness. I would not have the friends I now have. Escaping toxic families makes us rely on ourselves and forces us to stand on our own two feet. I believe now I had a lucky escape. Get some counseling to come to terms with what you went through. I suspect there is more trauma than just being refused a home. My sons know they will always have a home with me no matter how old they are. It is important to me they know they can always come home. Our experiences make us who we are. Good luck xxxx

Even in relatively good families kids can become homeless. I knew a girl a long time ago who, when she was 18, was told by her parents it was time for her to leave home. Her older brother had gone into the army at 18 and her older sister to uni. She was in a bog standard office job, not enough money to get a flat or anything else. If it hadn't been for her sister's, boyfriend's parents taking her in she would have been homeless. Her parents were reasonable people they just thought that as the older two had left at 18, so should she.

Its truly amazing what some "parents" think is okay when it comes to their children. But you can't choose your family, the only thing you can choose is whether or not to stick with them. When they have treated you so abominably, and don't show any sign of changing or remorse then you are better off using the energy of your anger for something more worthwhile and just cutting them out of your life forever.

After my Mum died I had problems with my now ex-sister and ex-cousin. I have buggered off and moved miles away but they don't know where. Not everyone has that luxury but I had to start again, from scratch with nothing so I thought it might as well be far away. Its about as far as I could go without leaving the country.

OP, I'm a little late to this thread but I just wanted to congratulate you on your achievements in life when all else was against you. You should be so proud of yourself. You're inspirational. Goes to show you always need to back yourself.

I think that’s how my dad felt. He got a job when he was 16 and got on with life. Never did uni etc so I think he just expected me to do the same. I was the first out of my family to go to uni so maybe he just didn’t get how it all worked!

YANBU however look at it differently … had you moved home maybe you wouldn’t have determined to get the career that made you successful…. Maybe they would’ve dragged you down?! Who knows… but the past is the past and I think we have to learn to forgive for our own sakes and move on…
How is your sister now? I hope she got through her issues?

That doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you. To turn away your own daughter when she needs help is so wrong.

I left home in my early 20s, travelled for a bit and got my own house. For one reason or another I moved back with my parents in my late 20s and never left. I helped my Mum look after my Dad and when it was just Mum and me we were really good friends and I was her full time carer till she died. Even when I moved out I would pop round and my Mum would do the same. We had keys for each other's houses. She even said "you will come round to make Sunday dinner won't you"? She didn't like cooking and I do. I just find it unfathomable that some parents kick-out their kids and won't help them when they are in trouble.

It isn't normal to be like this with your own children and you don't need to put up with it now. Don't let what happened to you eat you up. It is good you are talking to your partner about it and hopefully knowing how your partner's family works will show you that your parents were wrong.

You're not being unreasonable, in my opinion. No parent should stand by while their children struggle. I had something very similar to your situation, but it was a very long time ago, and we ended up permanently estranged for lots of different reasons, mostly me deciding I wasn't going to take their shit anymore. It hurts, of course, even after a long time. But here's the thing: I believe the universe seeks to protect us from all kinds of things, many of which we don't ever even know about. I truly believe now that when my parents didn't let me go home when I was stuck (I was 17), it was a divine protective measure against something worse happening if I'd gone back. Maybe their selfishness actually did you a favour in protecting you from more trauma you might have sustained under their roof. Maybe that single failure of theirs was the best thing that ever happened to you. I know it was for me. 🧡🧡🧡

Disgustingly selfish of your parents.

Unfortunately it's not culturally uncommon in the U.K. that people will have a homeless brother, sister or parent and won't help them, but will expect the government to do something, but I am shocked to hear that any parent would do that do their child tbh.

You should be so proud for all you have achieved without them!! Shows are strong and fantastic you must be!

Sorry but this doesn't happen in "good" families.

To leave your daughter homeless means it's NOT a good family... think of how vulnerable homeless women are to sexual assault, rape etc.

I don't care if I managed x, y & z at the same age, no way in hell that I would leave my daughter homeless to crowd surf and have to put herself in vulnerable, potentially dangerous positions!

What I maybe should have said was that there was no violence, poverty, arguments etc and up to that point everything had been good. To all intents and purposes it was a good family which made a very bad choice in how they treated their youngest child. She was welcome to visit, which she did.

What I am trying to say is that you don't have to come from an inherently bad family situation to be made homeless by your parents.

However it is infinitely better for your parents to kick you out rather than keep you at home against your will and then murder you for some perceived indiscretion.

hi @ThatPeachSnake I have a close friend who id have never thought had struggles growing up.

She recently opened up to me and a few months before that opened up to her partner. She’s started having therapy which is helping her but has a way to go from what she tells me.

If You have health cover from work you could get therapy sessions covered through it.

To get some closure you could ask your parents their reasons.

Do you really need to ask? On what planet would their behaviour be acceptable?

I suppose if you've grown up with parents like that then your normal isn't everyone else's who grew up in a healthy family dynamic.

So yes, the op does have to ask. And question because she doesn't have the frame of reference that other luckier people have.

Honestly, I had written a bit further up this thread, but I was prepared to be told I was unreasonable. I was an adult at that point after all!

Not on decent family planet, but not everyone has a decent family. If your family norm is for the father to beat his wife and kids and this happens all the time, or if your "creepy uncle" ie dad's mate from the pub wants his "special cuddles" on a Friday night and you are sworn to secrecy, you don't know that it doesn't happen in all other families and however awful it is you accept that this is what happens to everyone so you don't complain and you would probably get a walloping if you did.

We knew a woman who was just a bit younger than my Mum who had been sexually abused by her father and when she told her mother, she was beaten and told off for making up lies. This went on until she met someone and got married, really just to get out of the family home and away from the abuse. She had mental health problems all of her life because of this, even 50-60 years later it still affected her.

Those of us lucky enough to come from good homes where we were loved and cared for should thank our lucky stars that we were dealt a good hand in life and didn't have to endure this type of misery growing up.