To still be angry at my parents for this?

[ThatPeachSnake]

I had a horrific childhood. My parents were terribly unhappy together and got divorced when I was young. My dad lost all our money and we were poor. This spiralled, long divorce and my mum having horrific mental health issues, which was all taken out on me.

I did well and school and went to uni. I was a good child and did everything ‘by the book’. I never got in trouble or was any trouble to my parents - they often tell me that. In comparison to my sister, who is into drugs, doesn’t work and still lives at home.

when I finished uni, I had planned to get a job straight away in my career field, which was harder than I had realised. It took me about 6 months - but in the meantime, I got myself a job in a supermarket and stayed in my uni town in cheap accommodation until I could move on.

about 4 months in, I was asked to leave my accommodation. I had not signed a contract and it was a friend of a friends place (which obviously was a stupid move from me!). Essentially, I was made homeless overnight. Since I had no ties to my uni town, I reached out to my parents and asked either of them if I could come home and stay with them for a bit whilst I got my real job. I had no intention of staying there and they knew that. I was fiercely determined to move to London. However, in the meantime, I would have paid rent and got a job in my hometown to support myself whilst I was looking for my ‘career’ job. I was just scared and had no where to live and needed my parents. I sobbed down the phone to them for days begging for them to have me.

both said no and I‘m not really sure why. I was homeless and sofa surfing for the next few months until I was offered a job in London.

since then, I have done well for myself and have kind of brushed over the fact my parents did that. I could never ever do that to my child. After all this time, it is difficult to bring up to ask them why. I’m just so angry looking back at it. AIBU?

I feel for you so much, ThatPeachSnake.
My mother knew l was in an abusive (psychologically and sexually) relationship, she knew l'd been raped and abused, and she took my husband's side.
Refused to let me go and stay with her. I stayed where l was for a lot longer than l should because l wouldn't leave my dogs with him (he'd threatened to kill me and them, and she knew that too, he repeated it to her) and she wouldn't let me take them there either.
They're your family. They're meant to love and support you. You've done amazingly well, sweetheart, you have every bloody right to be angry and hurt.
I could never broach it with my mother either, l tried once and all l got was "I'm sorry you feel like that" as if it was my fault.
Be damn proud of yourself and what you've achieved. You owe them nothing, and I genuinely hope you can find a resolution and peace of mind. You deserve that x

Yep.

@ThatPeachSnake

In fact, if the chance ever arose if/when they were talking about their retirement, I'd make sure to make an offhand remark that "I'm so glad you are well fixed, paying for carers costs a pretty penny, you know!". I'd say it even if they aren't retired or well fixed.

Lets them know without saying directly that hell will freeze over before you change your life to suit their needs and that you expect them to 'pull themselves up' and pay for what care they may need.

Oh @ThatPeachSnake , I understand completely, and YANBU to feel the way you do.

I came back from Uni with a DS (aged nearly 2) and stayed with my Mum - Dad had left a year or so ago to shack up with another woman - she was alone in the family home with 3 bedrooms, I was in the tiny bedroom from childhood with a cot.

Paying her bills/Council Tax (may have been poll tax at the time?), working as a single Mum (DS’s dad was an actor and on tour all & we’d separated).

A couple of weeks after coming ‘home’, I was still in my nighty after a late night at work when Mum called me downstairs at 9am as I had a visitor.

It was a Council Homeless Officer, with a letter Mum had signed saying she was evicting me (and DS of course) & she was offering for me see a council flat for immediate possession.

I was shown the letter. Mum had got Dad to write the letter, which she signed, TWO WEEKS before we came home from Uni, and she hadn’t said a fucking word to me to warn me. Mum skulked in the hallway/lounge door during the whole visit. Then, when the Housing Officer had left, swore blind she hadn’t written any letter!

I was 21; I’m 51 now and it was only a few weeks ago she actually admitted that she signed the letter, but still denies it was her that wrote it, and can’t understand that by signing it she was confirming she wanted to evict us.

In contrast, my DD is 27 and still lives with us (south east so building a deposit), and DS lived with us straight after he graduated because, this is will always be their home.

I’ve also been an emergency Foster mum for teens for Social Services, and fostered my 15 year old foster daughter for 3 years.

And I’ve lost count at how many friends of my kids/my Dad (for a total of 3 years in his case) that I’ve given a bed to when they’ve needed it.

I can’t imagine a time when I don’t have my door open to help people who need that love, kindness, help & support.

Mum has berated me for every person I’ve opened my home to, even Dad (utterly obsessed with him until the day he died), whilst she sits alone in a 3 bedroom house with a face like a cat’s bum hole.

Unmumsnetty hugs to everyone who has experienced this, because it really fucking sucks.

Truly awful because in a way, their decision to fail you at such a vulnerable time in your life also cut you off from other sources of safety.

In your situation I would definitely revisit family and tell them the situation you were forced to accept because you may find that they have also had situations negatively effected by your mum and dad's poor decision making.

Being divorced would have meant a need to lean into their siblings or mum/dad for storage, advice on documentation and a shoulder to cry on and it's a shame they couldn't offer even more love to you after receiving so much from their family members.

We had an issue similar to this but not as extreme as we had other options. Shut out of our preferred option for accommodation by MIL for filmsy reasons, when we moved back to London. We let it go but DH does not see her the same way. The way we are treated by our parents shd not dictate how we treat our children. I know alot of people that actively/intentionally do the opposite.

I had a shitty childhood caused by an incapable mother.

I have three kids and I am a bloody awesome mum. You can do it.

You need to remember this if and when the time comes that thry turn to you for care in later life. Karma’s a bitch.

I honestly don’t think there’s any point, dollopz. OP’s parents did what they did and would no doubt defend themselves as to why. I don’t think a confrontation would help, OP, but therapy might…

I am so so sorry.

my mum also asked me to leave when I was 16 for crying over a fallout with a friend. She told me I was mentally unwell and she couldn’t look at me any longer.

I went to the hospital because I had no where to go. You sound so lovely opening your door to teenagers and young people xxx

Awful behaviour on their part. You poor thing.

Id just grey rock and go low contact. Make no effort really. Focus on your own life and building relationships with normal people who have your back. You’ll likely never truly get over the rejection, but you can live a happy and meaningful life. This is a ‘them’ problem.

Thank you everyone. I was fully prepared to be told that I am being unreasonable. I was an adult at that point after all.

reading all your lovely, supportive replies has justified all my anger and upset over the years.

thank you xxxx

You won't be a bad mum I promise.

I went NC 16 years ago. It's so peaceful now. Our three children all adults, two with children of their own are good parents too.

If you're having therapy talk about it.

Personally, I would not consider them parents, since it seems they did very little of it. They are people who gave birth to you. How they treated you was cruel, and they don't deserve someone as great as you in their lives. Hopefully, you are LC with them.

I do hope you someday soon talk to someone about your childhood. You deserve a happy, fulfilling adulthood and not to continue to be burdened by things done/not done to/for you that you had no control over.

Maybe someday, you will be able to ask them "why", but don't be surprised if they haven't an answer. They rarely do.

Thanks @ThatPeachSnake, that means a lot to me.

I have tried to be everything my parents were not. A real home full of happiness, support, laughter & hugs anytime. When my longest foster DD came to us, a few days in DH had to pick her up from the cop shop as she’d been arrested for shoplifting.

When they came through the door, FDD looked so scared & was in tears, as she thought I’d do what her Mum (and mine come to think of it) would’ve, but I just opened my arms and gave her a big hug. It had been a traumatic & confusing week for her, the last thing she needed was being bollocked. And it was a cheapo bottle of vodka she was caught with so the Police just gave her a talking to and a warning, and told DH at least she could’ve gone for the good stuff lol!

Three things I try to provide for my family, including the ones that have stayed for one night or a few years; a home that’s warm, that you’re well fed, and that you’re loved. Warm, fed, loved.

Everything I don’t think I’ve ever had from my folks.

Focus on yourself, and fuck ‘em. Build your life as you want it, and remember everyone is stronger than they think. It’s strangely cathartic to build your life in spite of your parents if they’re bastards.

Remember that when/if they come to you when they're older or infirm.

You owe them nada, zilch, zip, zero consideration or care.

So sorry that you had to go through this and that your parents have never been able to comprehend or acknowledge how badly they failed you.

Has a pattern developed of you having to appease/not question their actions? I ask because you mention feeling mortified at the time whereas, truly, it is they that should have felt that. You did nothing wrong and had every right to ask for help but they let you down.

Home should be a safe harbour that you can return to when needed. That’s something I’ve made clear to my dc because the world can be tough sometimes and knowing that the door will always be open (and that the kettle of comfort will be put on) is so important.

You really do have every right to feel angry that they weren’t emotionally equipped to be the parents you needed and didn’t offer you such a basic level of support and comfort at a time when you so badly needed it. Talking it through with a therapist could provide insights and strategies to process the anger is in a way that lessens the pain. I really hope so because you sound lovely and should be proud of yourself - you have way more empathy and maturity than your parents will ever have.

Yes. I never question anything. If I’m honest, I’ve been scared of them all my life. Always scared to question anything or upset them incase they got angry or judged me/made me feel silly.

I’m getting silent treatment right now from one of my parents and I’m scared I’ve upset them. I know it’s so stupid.

I’m also unable to deal with confrontation in any other area of my life. It makes me feel so weak.

I agree with kitchendisco, you do need to talk about this. I don't understand your parents unless they felt they had enough on their plate with your sister.

Expressing it all, a few times, in a safe and confidential setting, would help you accommodate the experience, ThatPeach, and help you to move on from it.

I wish you good fortune in the future.

Speaking from experience, trust me, that this as awful as it is, will in time, make you a stronger person and a better parent when the time comes.

This is horrible. My parents weren’t great, pretty traumatic childhood at times, but they’d always let me stay, my dad especially despite being an arsehole in other ways.

My in laws are more like your parents and my heart broke for my husband (as it does for you and other with similar). It’s a horrible rejection. I’ll always be there for my kids with rare exceptions. My husband wasn’t affected too badly and is a warm and loving dad, so don’t be put off parenthood. You know what bad parents look like and what to avoid. But get therapy, lots of it, as parenting brings out your own childhood trauma as they become the same age you were during the traumatic times. You can break the cycle.

I do suspect my in-laws were neurodivergent, FiL definitely is and can be unempathetic and lacks self awareness. MIL seemed neurotic but I suspect there may have been reasons. It was anxiety driven, scarce resource fears perhaps.

Love this x

Op that's awful and obviously nothing you have done to deserve such awful treatment, it's all on them. Evil people.
Yes we all technically become adults at 18 and effectively nobody owes us anything but I truly believe that if you bring a child into the world then you are responsible for them throughout your own lifetime, and should look out for them, help them and keep them safe in any way you can. Why can't people just be kind ffs.

This 100%

@ThatPeachSnake I am so so sorry you have experienced this.

I feel like crying for you and hugging my own dc tightly after reading what you have experienced.

Please look forward, you have achieved so so much already and you can be anything you want.

When you look back you must be proud of yourself.

I agree with pp get some therapy when you have the finances to, long term to go through all the crappy past. Look for psychodynamic therapy.

Take care x

I've never understood the attitude of some people towards their children. Some seem to want to get rid of them at 16.

Both my DC returned home after Uni. One still living with me & DH saving for a deposit I enjoy having them here but ultimately want them to leave for their sake

The other DC is married with their own DC. Would have all three move back if it was necessary for them.

To quote an oft used phase but slightly changed: children are for life not just for Christmas

I am so sorry OP that your parents failed you. You will not be like them, I can guarantee this. You will be the most wonderful mother

I hope that you can see your way round this and move forward - hugs