To still be angry at my parents for this?

[ThatPeachSnake]

I had a horrific childhood. My parents were terribly unhappy together and got divorced when I was young. My dad lost all our money and we were poor. This spiralled, long divorce and my mum having horrific mental health issues, which was all taken out on me.

I did well and school and went to uni. I was a good child and did everything ‘by the book’. I never got in trouble or was any trouble to my parents - they often tell me that. In comparison to my sister, who is into drugs, doesn’t work and still lives at home.

when I finished uni, I had planned to get a job straight away in my career field, which was harder than I had realised. It took me about 6 months - but in the meantime, I got myself a job in a supermarket and stayed in my uni town in cheap accommodation until I could move on.

about 4 months in, I was asked to leave my accommodation. I had not signed a contract and it was a friend of a friends place (which obviously was a stupid move from me!). Essentially, I was made homeless overnight. Since I had no ties to my uni town, I reached out to my parents and asked either of them if I could come home and stay with them for a bit whilst I got my real job. I had no intention of staying there and they knew that. I was fiercely determined to move to London. However, in the meantime, I would have paid rent and got a job in my hometown to support myself whilst I was looking for my ‘career’ job. I was just scared and had no where to live and needed my parents. I sobbed down the phone to them for days begging for them to have me.

both said no and I‘m not really sure why. I was homeless and sofa surfing for the next few months until I was offered a job in London.

since then, I have done well for myself and have kind of brushed over the fact my parents did that. I could never ever do that to my child. After all this time, it is difficult to bring up to ask them why. I’m just so angry looking back at it. AIBU?

We have just been and collected ds3 and all his stuff, because he is between jobs, and needs to come home for a while.

I can’t imagine refusing to help any of my children, and I am heartbroken for you, @ThatPeachSnake.

If it helps, as a mum, I am so proud of you for all you have achieved, against the odds. You are amazing.

Some adults are just shit! Just because they are your parents doesn't automatically make them less shit, they just are!

That is truly awful and just want to echo a PP that just because you share DNA you don’t owe them anything. I wouldn’t even say no to a friend let alone my own daughter. I would always want my kids to feel they have a home to come to if they need to. It was my choice to bring them into this world. You sound like a very mature adult and they are lucky you turned out the way you have with the start they gave you but often parents take advantage or are just not as nice to the good child who tries to not depend on them.

YANBU at all. Well done for your achievements. As a pp said remember how they badly treated you when they want to depend on you.

They were shit parents. Fuck em.

I know I've said that flippantly but you are too good for them.

Dear OP, that post tugged at my heartstrings. You poor thing. I think that the shame gets put on to us when our parents do something so unfathamable and against the natural order of things. I’m not surprised that you find it impossible to let it go or even speak of it. Most of us deep down are scared we will be rejected. Rejection in some deep sense and certainly on a primal level spells death - to be outcast by our primary carers (usually our parents) - the very people who are supposed to shelter us from harm and make sure with every fibre of their being that we have a chance to thrive - is truly terrible. You sound like an amazing person - so resourceful at such a young age - you have rescued yourself. A truly wonderful achievement and I mean that. But the fact is you should not have had to. Sooner or later those fears and that grief of loss - of having to grow up far too soon and deal with ineffective and neglectful parents will come out into the open. I’m sending you a hug and hope you won’t mind my honest thoughts. Please have the courage to look into this - it will help you release it a bit. It was never your fault that they couldn’t be proper parents to you. That shame is not yours even though I know it may well feel like it. With sincere best wishes.

@ThatPeachSnake I have 2 adult dc. They wouldn’t even ask to come home because they wouldn’t have to.
The conversation would be
I’ve been kicked out so I’m coming home for a while.
Ok, do you need train fare or fetching? I’ll cook your favourite dinner.

Dont feel guilty. Your parents are an accident of birth and you were unlucky to get such sub standard parents.
My two dc have had fabulous childhoods, imo, and would soon tell me if they thought I was a bad parent.
You need to decide what you want from the relationship with your parents and if it’s worth the effort.

You’re an adult and whilst you may be their dc you’re no longer a dc and can make your own decisions with or without them in your life.

It may be hard but I think you need to cut them out completely, overnight. Becoming parents does not mean becoming a good person. They sound shocking and you'd be better off without them.

This was totally wrong and shouldn't happen to anyone. I'm really sorry you had to go through that 💐

Psychotherapy might well help. Tanya Byron in The Times always suggests going to bacp.co.uk. I think it would be best for you if you could process your feelings and eventually let go of the anger.

Why not go low contact? It's not such a big step as NC and you won't feel guilty in the same way. Also NC can cause a lot of pain.

Sending you all best wishes.

You sound so lovely and the sort of mum I always wished for.

You didn’t deserve that. They badly let you down. They don’t deserve you, despite them you sound like you’ve done really well. Personally, I would cut them out if I was you. They’re unforgivable and certainly not worthy of being called parents. I’m really sorry that happened to you.

That is so lovely, thank you. Means so much.

I had similar. Mine didn’t want me back after uni so I basically moved in with my now husband’s parents who have done more to support me than they ever did. It was absolutely horrific - everyone else I knew was welcomed back whenever, I was made to feel so unwanted.
And they wonder why I want nothing to do with them.

Much as my child has given me good reason to, I would NEVER refuse them a roof over their head if they needed it. I am so dreadfully sorry that you went through this OP, and honestly don't feel they deserve you in any way, shape or form. I'd be telling them to drop dead in your shoes, and wouldn't feel one tiny morsel of guilt for doing so. They clearly should never have had children. What a selfish pair! On behalf of all decent parents OP, can I tell you how proud I am of you, for working so hard, and making a good life for yourself, not because of, but in spite of, these people who basically gave you life, and not much else.

I hope you manage to get some help in dealing with your past, and can move on to bigger and better things, leaving them to wonder why you want nothing to do with them.

I’m sorry you went through this too.

I also feel the same about my husbands parents. They are great and have stepped in many times where my parents failed.

I thought by that time ( since what you described ) they both were homeless already ( your father losing all the money ) and you were NC with them, due to the abuse and your sister living with them ( with who actually? - are the parents remarried?)

Please, you don't need these people for anything nor nothing. Just make yourself happy as you indeed are a wonderful young woman

They did you a favour. Grey rock time when they come your way knocking for help.

I'm surprised you're still in contact with them.

When I was 18,my parents made it clear that the child benefit had stopped so I had to go

I made some daft decisions (I fully admit to them) and ended up homeless so asked to go back home until I'd got myself sorted (I was working-i would have paid rent)

Both parents-a flat out 'no,sort yourself out'

I ended up sleeping in an old hut-and on the streets for about 6 months,lost my job and ended up on the dole

I've never been so scared in my life-i had some close shaves-I really feel lucky to be alive

My parents where fully aware but if I was spotted by their friends,they'd tell them it was my choice and they where worried sick about me

It was bollocks-i remember being so hungry,I went and begged for a plate of plain pasta and they both screamed in my face while I was trying to eat it-i can still taste how salty it was because I was crying so hard

I went nc with them (and after a lot more shitty behaviour) and its the best thing I ever did-of course they are amazed and both claim they did nothing wrong to me-they where perfect parents

Best laugh is,my brothers have yo-yo'ed back and forth between their own places and back home-always welcomed back with open arms-rent free as they 'need a hand in life'

But for me,that was never an option-I'll never understand what I did so wrong

That's awful, soo sorry this has happened to you. I have two teenagers, and my door will always be open to them when they are grown. What parent doesn't want to help their child in need , no matter what age they are. If I were you I would definitely want to sit down and speak to your parents and ask why. Just
for your own closer. Then I would move on. Best of luck x

@ThatPeachSnake
‘I just feel so incredibly guilty and sad at the thought of it’

I used to feel like this about my parents. I felt guilty that I struggled to spend time with them, I was sad that we didn’t have the relationship my friends seemed to have with their parents. My parents weren’t as directly cruel as yours sound to have been (they were emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood and had very high expectations) but I have come to terms with what they did and who they are. I am now able to be around them without putting pressure on myself, I no longer feel guilty. I have achieved this through therapy, specifically EMDR. It sounds like you would really benefit from therapy, addressing what happened to you, how that affected you and how you want to move forward. Therapy will allow you to give yourself permission to either reframe your relationship with them in a way that suits you or allow you to comfortably remove them from your life. It’s not a quick fix and you need to give it time but it really does make the world of difference.

Your anger is entirely justified, no one wants to spend their life being angry but forgiveness isn’t always straightforward. Be kind to your self and give yourself the gift of healing the wounds caused in your early life.

I’m so so sorry ❤️

I hope you’re doing better now xx

Well they sound just peachy! How cruel and nasty.

You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel guilty for if you cut them out your life. They don’t sound like they’d give you decent answers and would more than likely turn it back in you.

You sound lovely and have done well for yourself. Hang onto that and get some therapy.

I'm fine
It's a long story,but I'm sat on my own sofa,in a house I own outright and about to go to bed,that I paid for in cash
I have food in the house and a loving dp (and his amazing family)
They have nothing-they may have each other but that's a toxic mix of everyone backstabbing each other
Best thing I ever did was go nc

That is very sad OP. Did they outright say no, or just not say yes?

Regardless, I know my mum would welcome me, even in hard circumstances or how inconvenient it might be. I will be that person for my child too, as would most.parents
They let you down.