Sorry OP. I had parents kind of like this too. Mother angry, abusive and cruel alternating with sweet as pie so you never knew what you were getting (diagnosed later in life with BPD). Father depressed, uninterested in kids enabled and supported mums abuse. Constant fighting between them and mum used to use us kids as pawns to get her own way by terrifying us and having us begging our dad (not to make us sleep on the street etc because he had fallen out with mum and so she told us we would have to leave)
Anyhoo - Growing up was told constantly what a burden I was, that my dad wanted me aborted (he did) and what a great mother she was. At uni I stayed home for a year and they took £15 for digs out of the £30 I had weekly. This did not include lunch and I remember I used to have home made sarnie (paid by me) with no drink because I couldn't afford it. Mum didn't work bar some cleaning 2-4 hours per week but took that £15 because she needed the money. (why she couldn't get a job was a mystery and not to be questioned). I was 16 at this time (first year at uni). After I had paid train fares, books, toiletries, other essentials I literally had no money and poor boyfriend who was older used to buy me food and pay for all our going out.
After I left home I was not allowed to stay over when I visited. So I would drive 1.5 hours to their house but was not allowed to stay overnight in their spare room so I always had to drive home again the same day.
Once my dog got dirty at the park enroute to their house so they refused me entry. Not joking. So i had to turn round and drive all the way back thirsty and needing the loo. The dog was just a bit mucky, nothing too bad and their house was by no means a showpiece.
Once they got sick and old and needed help they were suddenly begging me to stay at their house!
They did help me financially in later life - not really sure why after a lifetime of being mean financially they decided to help. The nice part of me thinks perhaps they had more cash now but the cynical part of me thinks they were priming me to look after them in old age (which I did).
My dad would pay me to stay away from them and would usually discourage me if I said I was going to come and visit. Pathetic little me trying to win my dads love, approval, acceptance even though he was always completely disinterested and did his best to have nothing to do with me.
You just grow up with a whole host of mental health problems, a huge problem with insecurity and lack of trust and always thinking the worst of people. You also start off on the back foot in so many ways over kids who have loving, supportive, kind and respectful parents. Like you have been too busy surviving and so haven't picked up good skills in other areas.
I am literally shocked when I see how some parents treat their children ie with kindness and respect and making sure they always know how welcome they are and that they can always come 'home'.
I studied my arse off at uni to try to be independent from them asap but it was not till later life that I realised how messed up I was because of them.
Big hugs OP - I completely understand how scary and terrifying it is when our parents are not parents but a fucking disgrace. You feel very alone, very vunerable and like a misfit because nobody elses parents seem to be like this.
I used to feel very embarrased of my family and make up an alternative version of them to the outside world.
P.S. When i was 19 and living 500 miles away I got summoned back home because my mum was depressed and in my dads words 'you have to come home and fix her'. Which I did. Took her out, listened to her woes, spent money on her and when she felt better I went back to where I lived. I was allowed to stay at their house mind you on that occassion. It was my job to make sure my mum was ok (I was doing it from about age 6) and deal with her moods, anger, outbursts.
I never had kids of my own but my dog lives the life of furry royalty and is spoilt rotten. He's living the life I wanted!!