To still be angry at my parents for this?

[ThatPeachSnake]

I had a horrific childhood. My parents were terribly unhappy together and got divorced when I was young. My dad lost all our money and we were poor. This spiralled, long divorce and my mum having horrific mental health issues, which was all taken out on me.

I did well and school and went to uni. I was a good child and did everything ‘by the book’. I never got in trouble or was any trouble to my parents - they often tell me that. In comparison to my sister, who is into drugs, doesn’t work and still lives at home.

when I finished uni, I had planned to get a job straight away in my career field, which was harder than I had realised. It took me about 6 months - but in the meantime, I got myself a job in a supermarket and stayed in my uni town in cheap accommodation until I could move on.

about 4 months in, I was asked to leave my accommodation. I had not signed a contract and it was a friend of a friends place (which obviously was a stupid move from me!). Essentially, I was made homeless overnight. Since I had no ties to my uni town, I reached out to my parents and asked either of them if I could come home and stay with them for a bit whilst I got my real job. I had no intention of staying there and they knew that. I was fiercely determined to move to London. However, in the meantime, I would have paid rent and got a job in my hometown to support myself whilst I was looking for my ‘career’ job. I was just scared and had no where to live and needed my parents. I sobbed down the phone to them for days begging for them to have me.

both said no and I‘m not really sure why. I was homeless and sofa surfing for the next few months until I was offered a job in London.

since then, I have done well for myself and have kind of brushed over the fact my parents did that. I could never ever do that to my child. After all this time, it is difficult to bring up to ask them why. I’m just so angry looking back at it. AIBU?

That's horrible Op, so sorry they didn't support you. They're not parents. I'd be non-contact if I were you. Agree counselling to help yourself would be good.

And well done for making what sounds like a great life for yourself in spite of your rubbish (& really quite awful!) parents!

So sorry OP, that's so awful. I couldn't forgive this, I wouldn't be having anything to do with them.

So where was all the sobbing? You were mortified to ask why, but weren’t mortified to beg?

I don't think I could forgive this, especially when coupled with all the other crap in your childhood. I would be keeping them at arms length and be very unavailable when they needed help in old age.

I was crying down the phone to them asking if I could stay because I had no where to live, over the span of a few days.

I was mortified they both said no. I felt I had done something wrong.

They sound awful. Life’s too short. You don’t owe people anything just because you share DNA. I’d cut them loose and never contact them again.

As a PP said, don't forget that none of this was your fault. It's unfathomable that people let down their children like this. I'd be cutting them out of my life. Find 'family' that has your back and supports you (ie. friends).

I’m so sorry you went through this. I’ve no advice, just be glad you’re not like them and never will be xx

Ah, that's really awful.

You have done well to overcome your childhood and then being let down by your parents.

But by the sound of it, you have not been able to understand it or process it, so it's still a weight on your shoulders.

I think you do need to talk to someone about it, counselling, and deal with the emotional hurt first. Once you are stronger, then you can ask them outright. You will probably still need to continue the counselling afterwards to deal with whatever they say - or don't say. But deal with the emotional aspect first.

💐

It’s so hard for me to cut them out my life. I have thought about it and after all the shit I had to deal with when I was child, I think it would be justified.

I just feel so incredibly guilty and sad at the thought of it.

Your parents sound a bit useless.

you don’t need to forgive them for everything, I think I’d hold onto that for a while too.

well done for doing well in life after the start you got.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

@ThatPeachSnake my heart breaks for you that the two people you should be able to rely on for anything have so badly let you down.

You sound so hurt and bewildered and who can blame you. You need to be kind to yourself and try and accept that this isn’t about you, it’s all about them. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. This is their shame

We don’t choose our relatives and sometimes you get handed shit ones. But you can build ‘family’ for yourself made up of friends who love and support you. Invest your time and emotional energy there. ❤️

by the way… I think that you are quite incredible to have achieved all that you have on your own.

That is shocking, I wouldn't be able to forget this. They weren't there for you when you needed them, not even for a short time. They don't deserve to be called parents. I would never see one of my children sofa surfing with nowhere to go. You have done well despite them. It might help you to ask them if you can find the moment but there is no good reason for what they did.

Absolutely.
My parents were horribly emotionally abusive.
Father long time dead, mother as lonely
as a fence post back at sweet home country.
You have got this, OP.
❤️

Your parents are dix.
You are still feeling the rejection they have inflicted upon you and it's really sad to hear but you sound like a pretty amazing person to have fought through things to get where you are today and you should just keep going knowing you will
Never be the person they were/are.
Keep your head up; lots of us have been in the same situation, you didn't do anything wrong in life you were just unlucky. Stay strong.

I'm so sorry you went through this. Its not normal behaviour of decent parents. I would go low or no contact with such people.

This is another post which makes me question what's worse - to live with parents who then treat you like this or to have parents who chuck you into care and cause all sorts of shit like mine did.

I'm currently looking to buy a house and won't buy the one I've lost my heart to over one with more space so that my kids can come home whenever they want. No reason necessary.

You mention embarrassment. This sounds maybe like shame. Shame that our (yes me too!) own parents are not there for us. That’s easily internalised into “there’s something wrong with me”, even when it’s the parents that are falling short.
As PP said remember this when they want you to care for them. I’d be surprised if it’s your sister that they ask.
Take really good care of yourself!

I have a feeling that my mum just could not be bothered to get the spare bedroom that was full of crap cleared out for me. But I told her I was happy to sleep on the sofa or floor. So then I think it was because she’s so precious about certain things and didn’t want me on her sofa or floor.

I have a feeling my dad wanted to teach me a lesson. I don’t think he believed school and uni was ‘real life’ and I think he thought I needed a wake up call.

just my guess.

No, it wasn’t ok. you know this - the only reason you’re questioning is because of family dynamics.

All therapy will help you to do is be ‘ok’ with the decisions mad at the time; accept your feelings and ‘Forgive’ your family.

You can do all the above yourself in this post @ThatPeachSnake. Accept the validation you were mistreated; appreciate all parents are not perfect and suffer their own demons - but then outside if therapy you get to choose if you want to forgive their actions at the time (and continued I expect)

Journalling your thoughts and posters points that resonate is a great starting point xx

Firstly, I’m so sorry you had that experience. I can’t imagine denying my DC a home if they needed it.

However, try not to think of this as about you. It isn’t, it’s about them, and what they can cope with.

I really think counselling would help you if you can afford it. You can’t change them, but you can change how they make you feel.

You sound amazing by the way, a really strong and good person.

Just to say this happened to my
Friend who is now in her mid 60's. Her folks woke her up on her 17th birthday, told her she needs to get a house and put her out. She didn't have a clue what had happened to her. Why. She was homeless till she got a flat from the council. She got on with life etc as you do and is an amazing loving friend but she has understandably never gotten over waking up and being told to
Pack her
Bags. Literally for nothing. This rejection has followed her throughout her lives relationships and still affects her. Some people are just so fking cruel and don't deserve good decent kids.

@ThatPeachSnake nah nah nah this is discusting … how does a mother leave her daughter on the streets knowing she’s homeless? It doesn’t matter how old your children are , they should always be welcomed home no matter what life throws at them ! This is unbelievable that someone can be so heartless . She could have offered you to sleep on the couch , absolutly anywhere , as long as you’re not on the streets ! She is heartless and evil and so is your dad . If I was you I could never forgive them for this . I would never speak to them again , simple . They seem to be no good use in your life , it seems like you should have been the mum that your mum never was to you ! Seems like jelousy to me from your parents , they hate it that you’re doing well in life and they haven’t so they want to make you suffer too like they did / do without any help from them .