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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still be angry at my parents for this?

206 replies

ThatPeachSnake · 27/07/2024 20:44

I had a horrific childhood. My parents were terribly unhappy together and got divorced when I was young. My dad lost all our money and we were poor. This spiralled, long divorce and my mum having horrific mental health issues, which was all taken out on me.

I did well and school and went to uni. I was a good child and did everything ‘by the book’. I never got in trouble or was any trouble to my parents - they often tell me that. In comparison to my sister, who is into drugs, doesn’t work and still lives at home.

when I finished uni, I had planned to get a job straight away in my career field, which was harder than I had realised. It took me about 6 months - but in the meantime, I got myself a job in a supermarket and stayed in my uni town in cheap accommodation until I could move on.

about 4 months in, I was asked to leave my accommodation. I had not signed a contract and it was a friend of a friends place (which obviously was a stupid move from me!). Essentially, I was made homeless overnight. Since I had no ties to my uni town, I reached out to my parents and asked either of them if I could come home and stay with them for a bit whilst I got my real job. I had no intention of staying there and they knew that. I was fiercely determined to move to London. However, in the meantime, I would have paid rent and got a job in my hometown to support myself whilst I was looking for my ‘career’ job. I was just scared and had no where to live and needed my parents. I sobbed down the phone to them for days begging for them to have me.

both said no and I‘m not really sure why. I was homeless and sofa surfing for the next few months until I was offered a job in London.

since then, I have done well for myself and have kind of brushed over the fact my parents did that. I could never ever do that to my child. After all this time, it is difficult to bring up to ask them why. I’m just so angry looking back at it. AIBU?

OP posts:
ThatPeachSnake · 27/07/2024 21:44

I’m sorry for the AI sounding posts as another user flagged and all the typos! Im probably all over the place and sounding a bit weird.

I’ve had a bad day overthinking and I just don’t seem to be able to string my words together properly.

OP posts:
Woolftown · 27/07/2024 21:45

I think some people just aren’t able to give their children care and love. It is incredibly painful when you are on the receiving end. In my experience your parents will never get it - that’s just not who they are. If going no / low contact is best for you then do it. Stick to those people who love and value you - there will ne plenty out there. Most of all look after yourself.

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 27/07/2024 21:45

It's not great at all however turn it on it's head and rather than thinking how shit it was that they didn't help you but how amazing you have done on your own and that you don't need them.

5128gap · 27/07/2024 21:46

Your parents are poorly functioning damaged people who didn't have the capability to offer a child what you deserved. This is horrible luck for you, and I'm so sorry. It's fantastic that you have achieved so much with such disadvantage and must be very strong and resilient. However, there is a part of you that needs to mourn what you didn't have and feel sad and angry for the child and young adult that you were, and who was so badly let down. I think talking it through with counsellor will help you do that.

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 21:47

YANBU. Your parents sound like awful human beings quite frankly.

ThatPeachSnake · 27/07/2024 21:47

5128gap · 27/07/2024 21:46

Your parents are poorly functioning damaged people who didn't have the capability to offer a child what you deserved. This is horrible luck for you, and I'm so sorry. It's fantastic that you have achieved so much with such disadvantage and must be very strong and resilient. However, there is a part of you that needs to mourn what you didn't have and feel sad and angry for the child and young adult that you were, and who was so badly let down. I think talking it through with counsellor will help you do that.

You hit the nail on the head with your first sentence.

I’m scared to have children incase I’m the same. I know I need therapy before I become a parent myself. But part of me wonders if I will be a bad mum and be completely oblivious about it, like my mum was…

OP posts:
BlackStrayCat · 27/07/2024 21:50

one, or both has narcisstic personality disorder.

They are jealous of their children. Its because you are a strong and successful person.
If you look it up online there are fabulous sites and I guarantee you will feel vindicated. Please do google it.

I understand the humiliation.

YANBU and sound lovely. x

5128gap · 27/07/2024 21:55

ThatPeachSnake · 27/07/2024 21:47

You hit the nail on the head with your first sentence.

I’m scared to have children incase I’m the same. I know I need therapy before I become a parent myself. But part of me wonders if I will be a bad mum and be completely oblivious about it, like my mum was…

No. You're different. You have self awareness to be even asking the question so wouldn't be oblivious of what you did. People with your type of upbringing are often fantastic parents because they are so keen not to repeat history they are vigilant, they prepare, they seek help, they do everything differently.

thesandwich · 27/07/2024 21:56

@ThatPeachSnake i am so sad to read your posts. There is lots of brilliant advice on this thread - please believe you are amazing and have nothing to feel shame for.
Having had to deal with a fraction of what you have, I have found sessions with a therapist excellent to safely explore the past and make sense of it.

It was extremely helpful. And you have a choice whether or not to forgive your parents.
please print out these replys and remind yourself of all this.

IVbumble · 27/07/2024 21:57

Sometimes we need to grieve for the parents we didn't have & we can become stuck in the cycle of grief & loss for many years even though someone didn't die but our relationship with them did.

Be kind to yourself as you work your way through this difficult time. Grief isn't linear & doesn't have any stages but rather ebbs & flows. Remember everything is temporary.

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org

Home – The Good Grief Trust

Welcome to the Good Grief TrustAutomated translations Select LanguageAfrikaansAlbanianAmharicArabicArmenianAzerbaijaniBasqueBelarusianBengaliBosnianBulgarianCatalanCebuanoChichewaChinese (Simplified)Chinese (Traditional)CorsicanCroatianCzechDanishDutch...

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org

thesandwich · 27/07/2024 21:57

And as a mum I as v well equipped to let Dc know how much I am always there for them.

KTSl1964 · 27/07/2024 21:58

Hi op please look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - you may identify given the childhood neglect you experienced 🌺

BlackStrayCat · 27/07/2024 21:58

@5128gap is correct

elaineyadayada · 27/07/2024 22:00

P.S I had very similar fears to you about becoming a mum. But I realised i could use therapy to try and ‘clear out the cupboards’ and do as much work as I could to help myself and to try and avoid passing on stuff to my kids. I eventually became a mum and it’s been fine. Not perfect but I’m devoted to them and when one of my giant teenagers was little he used to call me his ‘favourite darling.’ So there you go - it’s totally possible for you too. In fact I’m sure on these pages there are loads of us who had to wrestle with doubts and difficult stuff and turned out to be pretty good and very loving parents. Be super vigilante in your choice of partner. Kindness and someone who will put in as much effort as you and who has a sense of humour. Sometimes bad parenting can lead us to look for partners who recreate this as I’m sure you know. ! X

TheKneesOfTheBees · 27/07/2024 22:00

Something very similar happened to me too, so it's interesting for me to read this thread. My DF didn't speak to me for various periods of time for various reasons and my DM was scared of his temper. I had to move out of the flat I was in because of friend wasn't very well and was going home herself and I sofa surfed a bit and then lived by myself in a squat on a rough estate for six months that had the kitchen smashed up and metal grills over the windows. I too kind of brushed it aside, it's not easy to talk to other people about it, but my DD is the same age now as I was (21) the thought of her going through it is hideous.

I never thought I'd have children because my DPs were so dysfunctional, and I'd be a crap parent too, but I've done a lot of work on myself (including a lot of reading) and I've been a better mum if I say so myself because of my experiences. I think partly because I didn't want my DD to experience anything like I did so I've been very sensitive to her needs, and I have a great understanding of psychological and emotional health because of my own issues. DD is 21 now and we have a great relationship, she's really happy at uni and with a boyfriend and great group of friends, and even though her teen years were really difficult for her we never really argued or fell out, so there is hope for you!

exiledfromcornwall · 27/07/2024 22:01

YANBU Just remember, if they ever need help in their old age you owe them absolutely nothing!

Saytheyhear · 27/07/2024 22:02

You say you do not have children. From what I can see in other people's comments, the best advice is to secure your future in order to secure theirs.
It's never guaranteed but remove yourself from where your mum and dad can get their grubby hands on your children and make out that they are the hero grandparents that need to have contact with your children because they are related to you.
Trust yourself, you made some great decisions without the support of adults that should have loved and provided for you.

I do have question though: did extended family know? Did they know from you or from your parents? What relationship do you have with your aunts/grandparents and did the situation bring you closer/tarnish your bond with them?

ThatPeachSnake · 27/07/2024 22:06

Saytheyhear · 27/07/2024 22:02

You say you do not have children. From what I can see in other people's comments, the best advice is to secure your future in order to secure theirs.
It's never guaranteed but remove yourself from where your mum and dad can get their grubby hands on your children and make out that they are the hero grandparents that need to have contact with your children because they are related to you.
Trust yourself, you made some great decisions without the support of adults that should have loved and provided for you.

I do have question though: did extended family know? Did they know from you or from your parents? What relationship do you have with your aunts/grandparents and did the situation bring you closer/tarnish your bond with them?

I can’t really remember if my extended family knew.

I was also deeply embarrassed about not being able to get a job in my career field straight out of uni. I felt like I was failing and probably didn’t want my wider family to know. I was waaaay too hard on myself. That’s why the rejection from my parents was even more humiliating.

My lovely grandparents would have had me I’m sure but they were very elderly. I really can’t remember why I didn’t ask for their help tbh.

OP posts:
MBappse · 27/07/2024 22:08

I am so sorry OP. You sound amazing given everything you have been through.

Is there any way you can ask your Mum now?

Mum, you know when I asked you to move home X years ago, can you remember why you said no? It is bothering me a lot and I wonder if there is a reason I don't know about?

Gettingbysomehow · 27/07/2024 22:08

I had a horrible upbringing too OP. Devastating yrt still made something of myself. But one thing I will tell you please get therapy. These experiences go deep and dark and one day you will realise you cant escape them without help.
But you have done so well. Dont let them harm you mentally.

Zanatdy · 27/07/2024 22:09

You have every right to be angry

DreamTheMoors · 27/07/2024 22:09

What - did they think you were hatched instead of born of your mother?
That’s just cruel and unusual behaviour, and I’m so very sorry. I hope you realise that it’s not you and it’s them. It’s ALL them.
I also learned from the cruel people in my life to have more and more empathy for others - have you learned that too? That being cruel is never the way forward? I’m sure you have.
My mum forced me out of the house at 18 - I tried like mad to change her mind, but it didn’t work, lol. I was home from uni every weekend like a big baby.
You’re in London now and a success — keep looking forward and keep smiling. I’m really proud of you that you did this all on your own.
You’ve gotta be really proud of yourself, too. And you know how not to treat people.
And that’s a really good thing.

EI12 · 27/07/2024 22:09

You are not being unreasonable. I would be offended if my dc phoned and asked if they could stay with me. Wherever I live, the place is theirs to live in too, goes without saying. I am the parent, after all. Horrible on their part, sorry.

ScreamingBeans · 27/07/2024 22:10

ThatPeachSnake · 27/07/2024 21:47

You hit the nail on the head with your first sentence.

I’m scared to have children incase I’m the same. I know I need therapy before I become a parent myself. But part of me wonders if I will be a bad mum and be completely oblivious about it, like my mum was…

You won't be.

You have some insight into the danger of repeating patterns.

And that's before you have kids, you're well ahead of the game.

It's when you have kids that your own childhood comes back to bite you on the arse and you have to face up to those old demons.

But you've already started doing that. You'll be fine, don't let your parent's abuse stop you having children and being the best mum you can be. You'll be fine.

And it's OK to not forgive your parents, they've never asked your forgiveness have they. They don't need it. Don't waste a nanosecond on thinking about your parents and trying to forgive them. Your energy will be better spent elsewhere.

Noseybookworm · 27/07/2024 22:11

I'm so sorry that you were so badly let down. Some people should not be parents 😔 please know that the fault was theirs and it was nothing that you did - there is something badly wrong with them, not you. You have every right to be angry and I'm surprised that you are able to maintain any sort of relationship with them after the way they've treated you.

I think having some therapy would really be beneficial for you. You have carried this alone for a long time. You have been really brave to write about it here, I can imagine how difficult this was. Please do try and find a good therapist to talk all this through with. Wishing you all the best 💐