Does anyone else's DH do this?

[McSteamyorMcdreamy]

Give you an update (invariably a bad one) about the kids when you are on an afternoon out with your friends?

Without fail. Every. Single. Time. I have been out for an hour and I have already had the text message to say that my youngest is playing up and "oh im in for a good night, hope you are enjoying yourself".

Why does he do it?? I now feel shit and feel compelled to go home.

Very telling that his sister would support you if you left. That says it all really.

Start getting your ducks in a row op, even if it's a long term plan and make sure if he comes to you for bedroom stuff tell him,

" no, no, I'm disgusting remember, can't be having anything to do with disgusting old me can you, goodnight. "

You need to start planning a "fuck you" savings account. Doesn't matter if it's only a fiver a week but you do need to have one.

Also start collecting financial papers so once it's time you are ready. Get on rightmove and see what your street is selling for, then look at downsizing in a different area. Don't commit to upgrading cars or expensive holidays. Keep changing the requirements (and your expectations), and eventually you will see your clear path to freedom. It can be done. Good luck, you deserve more than this

My ex used to do similar (note ex). We'd no children at home so he used to message about the cat! There's no food left, the litter tray needs changing etc.
Once sent me a long rant by text about the litter tray that would have taken longer to write than to just swap the tray. And I was 20 miles away.
Not the only reason he's an ex but symptomatic of his attitude.

Exactly this.

The problem is it wouldn't bother him! He'd probably wonder why he was being involved. And if he did think about it he'd think that at least the kids were with you so it's not something he needs to worry about.

next time he sends you those messges, send him one back saying "I guess not everyone can be a good parent, maybe you should pay a babysitter out of your money if you can't handle your own children."

I hope you decide to actually sign divorce papers. Life is really short when you think about it but definitely too long to stay with an arsehole like him.

guilt tripping

YABU to respond with anything other than 'oh! Hope it gets easier! Yes it's lovely here, miss you all!' and then crack on with fun.

Why do you feel like you have to return home? Do you not trust him or think he's capable of handling parenting when it gets tough?

Frankly I think it's pretty normal for parents to contact each other when they're away, when they're having a rough time, for emotional support. I wouldn't think twice about messaging DH on a stag saying 'kid is being a handful, dreading bedtime, hope you're having fun!' and it would be a genuine just sharing how things are going for a bit of a vent but not expecting anything in return. I wouldn't even expect a reply, just feels good to vent sometimes to someone who gets it.

And when I'm away having fun he does the same if applicable, cos we trust each other to get on with it and want one another to have a nice time and know that a message like that isn't gonna ruin anything.

I just find it odd that you begrudge the parent at home messaging the parent away to say ah things are rough, but hope you're having fun.

I wonder if there's something a bit deeper going on tbh if that message makes you feel shit and like you need to return home (not discounting the idea that if that is the case and he knows it and he's sending it to make you feel shit and come home that's terrible... but idk if that's the case, for normal couples it wouldn't be that big a deal).

I was once going away with my friend for a long weekend and her partner texted about 3 minutes after we left saying their daughter was crying for her mummy. Such a twattish thing to do. And your husband is doing the same thing, making you worry. My partner would only let me know if anything serious had happened when I wasn't there.

It doesn't need to bother him. I didn't imagine that it would bother him in the slightest.

The most likely scenario is that he would wonder why she was sending the messages, and eventually it would come up in conversation - at which point he'll hopefully have a lightbulb moment.

But given op's updates since my post I'm no longer convinced by my own theory...

"I am in no way shape or form in a financial position to be leaving, despite being the higher earner"

You sound to me like a very capable person - capable of getting yourself into a position to leave. I'd start applying myself to just that aim.