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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does anyone else's DH do this?

213 replies

McSteamyorMcdreamy · 27/07/2024 15:55

Give you an update (invariably a bad one) about the kids when you are on an afternoon out with your friends?

Without fail. Every. Single. Time. I have been out for an hour and I have already had the text message to say that my youngest is playing up and "oh im in for a good night, hope you are enjoying yourself".

Why does he do it?? I now feel shit and feel compelled to go home.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/07/2024 18:56

McSteamyorMcdreamy · 27/07/2024 15:55

Give you an update (invariably a bad one) about the kids when you are on an afternoon out with your friends?

Without fail. Every. Single. Time. I have been out for an hour and I have already had the text message to say that my youngest is playing up and "oh im in for a good night, hope you are enjoying yourself".

Why does he do it?? I now feel shit and feel compelled to go home.

That's why.

Stay out

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2024 18:57

stayathomer · 27/07/2024 16:05

I did this the other night🙈 Dh was out with work, kids were all up, all I wanted was bed and I sent a ‘hope you’re having a good one’(I meant this) ‘kids still up, I just want them to go to beddddd!!(cry face!)’

Did he know the intent behind it?

Whatever, it's a horrible thing to do

HungryLittleCrocodile · 27/07/2024 18:57

McSteamyorMcdreamy · 27/07/2024 15:55

Give you an update (invariably a bad one) about the kids when you are on an afternoon out with your friends?

Without fail. Every. Single. Time. I have been out for an hour and I have already had the text message to say that my youngest is playing up and "oh im in for a good night, hope you are enjoying yourself".

Why does he do it?? I now feel shit and feel compelled to go home.

BLOCK HIM when you're out, or put your phone on silent/do not disturb.

My DH has had times in the past when he seemed to enjoy sabotaging my enjoyment/fun/nice things for me ... Would often start an argument out of nothing just to cause bad feeling, or make some kind of crack/jibe/comment that would make me feel a bit low or down. It was during the days where we had a few rough patches in our marriage. He doesn't do it now (hasn't for some years,) but he was a bit like this, and it was horrible.

bungaloid · 27/07/2024 19:00

Funnily when my wife goes out she constantly asks for updates on the kids. You could take this either way - she doesn’t trust me to look after our children, or she misses them. I generally don’t reply to the messages or just say I’m at A&E / I’ve left them alone so not sure how they are. The eldest has a phone now so she can give the updates directly on her wellbeing.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 27/07/2024 19:01

Why does he do it?? I now feel shit and feel compelled to go home.

Er..that’s the reason he’s doing it. To make you feel shit and go home. Then he doesn’t have to mind the kids anymore.

What a gent 🙄

Daleksatemyshed · 27/07/2024 19:04

Time for a talk Op. He is as much their parent as you are, he just doesn't look after them as much as you so doesn't cope as well. The answer is not for you to go home, it's for him to stop whinging and learn to cope. He obviously needs more practice so you should go out more

RichmondReader · 27/07/2024 19:19

Call him out on it.

"Why are you actually telling me this? I can't intervene. Is it in the hope I'll come rushing home? Or just to take the shine off my evening?"

And then later, when you are home:

"Unless you actively resent me being out of the house for some reason, can you please stop doing this? Just so you are aware, noone elses partner feels the need to keep 'reminding' them that they are a parent any more than I feel the need to text you blow-by-blow guilt texts when you are out or at work. Thank you."

FairyLightBan · 27/07/2024 19:19

McSteamyorMcdreamy · 27/07/2024 15:55

Give you an update (invariably a bad one) about the kids when you are on an afternoon out with your friends?

Without fail. Every. Single. Time. I have been out for an hour and I have already had the text message to say that my youngest is playing up and "oh im in for a good night, hope you are enjoying yourself".

Why does he do it?? I now feel shit and feel compelled to go home.

How old is your child?

Flibflobflibflob · 27/07/2024 19:23

My husband sometimes does this, but he also does it if he’s taken DD out and I’m at home just chilling. I get pictures of them eating cake, in the park, shopping. He likes updates when he’s elsewhere too. I danno I think he and DD just really like taking selfies and sending them to me.

SeeSeeRider · 27/07/2024 19:29

MiddleParking · 27/07/2024 17:48

Please say you haven’t ever actually gone home because of this? If I was your friend and you did, I would be really hesitant to make plans with you again.

You see his plan clearly. Isolation.

Theredjellybean · 27/07/2024 19:34

I would be tempted to reply
"Oh , perhaps I shouldn't have given them the blue smarties and packet of Skittles earlier..but they were being very difficult and I didn't know what to do. I am sure you being a big important man will know much better than me how to deal with them "

Theredjellybean · 27/07/2024 19:35

I would be tempted to reply
"Oh , perhaps I shouldn't have given them the blue smarties and packet of Skittles earlier..but they were being very difficult and I didn't know what to do. I am sure you being a big important man will know much better than me how to deal with them "

Sparkletastic · 27/07/2024 19:42

I'd reply:

'You'll cope.'

aloris · 27/07/2024 19:58

The point is to get you to come home or, failing that, to have you feel indebted to him because his evening alone with the kids was sooooo haaaard. Even if he goes out alone a lot more often, if he sets up the transaction so that his (few) stints alone with the kids are positioned as more costly to him than yours are to you, then he can essentially get several lone outings for himself in exchange for one lone outing for you.

The immediate hope (IMHO) is that if you don't cut your evening short, then when you DO come home the interaction goes something like:
Him: They really acted up, they were awful. I'm exhausted.
You: Oh I'm so sorry. I'll stay with them tomorrow morning so you can go to your game.
Him: That'll only be 4 hours. It's hardly anything (totally ignores that your outing last night was only 4 hours). Last week they were really good for you. I really want to get to my pub quiz too. And my buddies are playing Fallout on Sunday, can't believe I'm missing that.
You: They weren't good for me last week. I just didn't text you about it.
Him: if they had been as bad for you as they were for me, you WOULD have text me about it. They were the worst I've ever seen them.
You: ok fine, I'll watch them for the rest of the weekend and you can go out all weekend with your buddies.

stayathomer · 27/07/2024 20:00

Nanny0gg

what intent? I asked was he having a good night and moaned about my night!! No intent, he sent back a laughing face, I sent back a crying one and told him I’d leave the key out and to have a good one! No intent, a conversation 😅 I just felt bad when I saw op felt guilty when she got a similar message

bonzaitree · 27/07/2024 20:13

Just ignore it. It’s a text there’s no need to respond at all!

If you feel compelled to respond in some way, maybe just send a sad face emoji back. Pretty much kills the conversation!

tuvamoodyson · 27/07/2024 22:01

Switch your phone off.

Ethylred · 27/07/2024 22:07

Block him. Not for ever For this evening.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/07/2024 22:11

Turn the phone off.

Cliedi · 27/07/2024 22:18

DaisyChain505 · 27/07/2024 17:27

a parent parenting their own children isn’t doing a good deed. It’s their job as a parent.

Edited
Show quote history

It is a nice thing to do though.. assuming you are both equal partners and usually split the chores and childcare. I ask DH if he minds taking the load for a night and he does the same. I wouldn’t ever announce I was going out and it was his job to cope.

Sassybooklover · 27/07/2024 22:22

Read and ignore the message. After a couple of hours, reply back and say 'oh dear poor you'. Then carry on with your evening. Your husband is a grown adult, who is looking after his own children. Parenting is not just your role, but his too! I would not feel bad one little bit, and I certainly wouldn't go running home. He needs to learn to cope for a few hours, and that won't happen if you go home as soon as there is a small issue.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 27/07/2024 22:32

I voted that you were BU OP, but only because you should have put a stop to this the first time he did it. How pathetic is he that he can't look after his own kids without whinging about it, so unless you hear from him that there's been a disaster, don't you dare consider going home next time he does it. Just text him back and tell him to grow up and father the children that he spawned! Then give him the number of one of the friends you're with, and tell him you'll be switching your own phone off, and he's not to contact your friend, unless there is risk to life or limb. I get so sick of hearing about these pathetic men, who can manage to hold down a job, operate expensive machinery, run a company, etc., but can't cope with a child for a few hours! Grrr!

showeringthisaft · 27/07/2024 23:15

Friend of mine had a husband that did that, every time. He's no longer her husband.

SoreAndTired1 · 27/07/2024 23:15

He is doing this deliberately to control you and force you to go back home. It's really passive-aggressive and manipulative. Is he controlling in other ways? I'd nip this in the bud straight away and tell him NOT to contact or text you unless it's an emergency.

Pussycat22 · 27/07/2024 23:42

There would have been an almighty row when I got home. Good luck lass. xxx