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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does anyone else's DH do this?

213 replies

McSteamyorMcdreamy · 27/07/2024 15:55

Give you an update (invariably a bad one) about the kids when you are on an afternoon out with your friends?

Without fail. Every. Single. Time. I have been out for an hour and I have already had the text message to say that my youngest is playing up and "oh im in for a good night, hope you are enjoying yourself".

Why does he do it?? I now feel shit and feel compelled to go home.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 27/07/2024 18:04

'Lol. Sucks to be you 😎🍸'

LifeExperience · 27/07/2024 18:05

He does it to make you feel guilty so you will come home. He's a father who doesn't want to parent.

5128gap · 27/07/2024 18:05

The very best interpretation is that he wants your gratitude and a round of applause for all he's put up with 'for you'. If he's a needy sort constantly wanting praise and approval, it could be this. The other interpretation you've had from PPs. You know him best and which is the most likely.

Ilovelurchers · 27/07/2024 18:06

Slightly different scenario, but I was away with my daughter recently and my husband sent me perfectly cheerful texts the whole time I was away, yet when I came back I found out he has actually been quite poorly - nothing life endangering but pretty much bed-bound.

I asked him why he hadn't mentioned it and he said, what was the point, he knew I would just have worried/felt bad, and he didn't want anything to stop me enjoying my time away.

(He did reassure me that, had it had been serious enough to warrant me ending the trip early, of course he would have said something.... But as it wasn't, the only impact would have been to stress me out slightly.....)

It made me think actually - I too, like OP's husband, am probably guilty of moaning on to my partner about things over text when he is away with friends, not because I expect him to do something, but just because it is my habit to vent to him. But actually, unless it's essential and I actually need his help with it, I am going to try my hardest not to do it from now on, as I really appreciated him keeping his illness to himself (I know that sounds bad - hopefully it is clear how I mean it).

OP, to give your fella the benefit of the doubt, possibly he doesn't realise he is ruining your night. Explain it to him calmly and compassionately, and if he STILL does it after that - that's when you know you have a problem.

florizel13 · 27/07/2024 18:07

Do it to him when he's out with his mates! 😁

curious79 · 27/07/2024 18:08

My DH does this.
my kids do it.
just don’t check your phone (and speak to him nicely about only contacting you in a dire emergency)

Therealjudgejudy · 27/07/2024 18:10

He knows exactly what he is doing. Stay out and have it out with him tomorrow.

tuvamoodyson · 27/07/2024 18:13
Cracking Up Lol GIF by Originals

Send him this

socks1107 · 27/07/2024 18:14

My ex husband used to do this sometimes before I'd even arrived anywhere. It became a joke between friends but it was actually really hard.
Once we split he still did it. Would ask me to drop off calpol etc etc. I just ignored him and eventually he stopped.
I'd ignore it and don't even read messages when out

JLou08 · 27/07/2024 18:16

I wouldn't be jumping to it being intentional manipulation. I did it with my DH a couple of times when I was on maternity leave and he was at work. It was just a way to offload when I was stressed. He told me it bothered him so I stopped doing it. I hadn't realised it would bother him, I weren't expecting him to do anything to fix it.

Runnerinthenight · 27/07/2024 18:17

Message back, "TF it's you doing it for once! Having a great time BTW!"

ChampagneLassie · 27/07/2024 18:24

I’d send a message like that and read it and reply literally. Thanks, good luck xx

ginasevern · 27/07/2024 18:25

I've had 2 husbands and a couple of other long term'ish relationships. Every man I've ever known seems to be incapable of doing anything without checking in at some point. Mending the car - blow by blow account. Wallpapering the sitting room - could I just move this, hold that, stay there a minute in case I need you. Cooking a meal - every five minutes asking where an ingredient or pan is. Hanging out the washing - are these the only clothes pegs we've got? If I'm doing a task I usually manage to just get on with it as well as several others at the same time. I think men need constant praise or their brows mopped all the fucking time.

Echobelly · 27/07/2024 18:27

Fortunately not something DH ever did when kids were little, but I have heard of it being a thing - really manipulative and unfair.

ASimpleLampoon · 27/07/2024 18:37

I'd borrow two words from my DD to respond to that!

Womp womp!

Piffle11 · 27/07/2024 18:40

My DM would do this on the rare occasions she and DF looked after DC.

I never felt she wanted to ruin our night, I always imagined it was more a sort of, ‘the DC are being so tiring, but I’m soldiering on, so that you can have a good night.’

I think she was fishing for gratitude and praise.

Omlettes · 27/07/2024 18:41

Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/07/2024 17:18

I don't understand why you feel compelled to go home???

Guilt and manipulation, obvs.

Corvidmango · 27/07/2024 18:42

It is in the same ball park as the sigh my DH lets out as soon as I am in ear shot. It’s performance lifing: I work so hard! My life is so hard but I do it. This is so hard and I’m great for doing it. I’m the hero of this story.

We just crack on and do it quietly without fuss.

Omlettes · 27/07/2024 18:43

Ilovelurchers · 27/07/2024 18:06

Slightly different scenario, but I was away with my daughter recently and my husband sent me perfectly cheerful texts the whole time I was away, yet when I came back I found out he has actually been quite poorly - nothing life endangering but pretty much bed-bound.

I asked him why he hadn't mentioned it and he said, what was the point, he knew I would just have worried/felt bad, and he didn't want anything to stop me enjoying my time away.

(He did reassure me that, had it had been serious enough to warrant me ending the trip early, of course he would have said something.... But as it wasn't, the only impact would have been to stress me out slightly.....)

It made me think actually - I too, like OP's husband, am probably guilty of moaning on to my partner about things over text when he is away with friends, not because I expect him to do something, but just because it is my habit to vent to him. But actually, unless it's essential and I actually need his help with it, I am going to try my hardest not to do it from now on, as I really appreciated him keeping his illness to himself (I know that sounds bad - hopefully it is clear how I mean it).

OP, to give your fella the benefit of the doubt, possibly he doesn't realise he is ruining your night. Explain it to him calmly and compassionately, and if he STILL does it after that - that's when you know you have a problem.

Your post gives me hope, "Not all men' etc

Seaglassandchampagne · 27/07/2024 18:45

Mine doesn’t do this because he’s not an arsehole. My child could smear themselves in jam and breakdance across the living room and instead of telling me my husband would clean it up and keep quiet about it.

The reason your Dick Head is doing this is because he wants you to feel guilty about being out. He wants you to feel obligated to ‘give him a break’ when you get home, or make up for it as though he’s done you a huge favour (and not just looked after his own children for an evening). He’s making sure you think twice about going out in future too.

A nice man who viewed you as equals wouldn’t do this. These are the actions of a selfish prick who sees himself as much more important than you.

SendNoodles · 27/07/2024 18:45

It depends on what he's normally like, but it does seem like he possibly wants to ruin your night (punishing you for making him do 'extra work) and make you think twice about going out next time.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 27/07/2024 18:47

Yeah, just send a reply saying 'Really? Oh well, at least you get the chance to practice parenting better.'

Do not go home, do not pass Go. He's being a manipulative cunt - let him get on with it.

coldcallerbaiter · 27/07/2024 18:48

You asked if our dh did this. When I see threads about children playing up or tantrums, the answer from me is that my children were well behaved, I would never have had a concern, as they played or watched TV quietly.

If my dh ever messaged me with a problem that he could fix, whilst I am out and having some friends time, I would think he was selfish and try to spoil my rare night out.

Differentstarts · 27/07/2024 18:49

Just send back laughing emojis and say now you know how I feel when I have them all day

Runnerinthenight · 27/07/2024 18:53

coldcallerbaiter · 27/07/2024 18:48

You asked if our dh did this. When I see threads about children playing up or tantrums, the answer from me is that my children were well behaved, I would never have had a concern, as they played or watched TV quietly.

If my dh ever messaged me with a problem that he could fix, whilst I am out and having some friends time, I would think he was selfish and try to spoil my rare night out.

Edited

There are no children in the world who have never misbehaved in some way!!

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