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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and kids living with me

199 replies

irishchick93 · 27/07/2024 10:32

I'm just looking some advice on this.

My brother recently separated from his partner has nowhere to live, can't find a rental.
He has 2 children twins aged 8 and custody half the week. He has 3 weeks left on his short term rental.

His mental health has deteriorated because of the split and the basis of the split and while I feel really sorry for him i feel like he's just putting everything on me and my other sibling saying "I've nowhere to live" and "I don't know what I'm going to do" has no friends in the area and the family home has gone with my elderly mum living with myself and my husband.

I'm worried he expects me to just take him in without exploring all the options, I already have my mum here and my husband and 3 young children. I honestly worry about my own mental health adding 2 more people to listen to and run after. He and the twins are hard work!

My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone.

AIBU and nasty? Or any advice? I obviously don't want to see them homeless but I feel like they wouldn't bother to look anymore once he's comfy in here.

OP posts:
whichfan · 27/07/2024 10:56

these poor children

what are their home circumstances with their mother?

whichfan · 27/07/2024 10:56

if any better than this shit show

then they should be with her for the vast majority of time until your brother sorts himself out

MsMajeika · 27/07/2024 11:00

YA definitely NBU! The children will be fine. I'm sure they can stay with their DM until your DB gets himself sorted.

Just keep saying that wouldn't work for you but be clear so he doesn't wait until the last minute and not look for elsewhere.

InterIgnis · 27/07/2024 11:00

Why should you feel obliged when your other brother doesn’t? Because you’re a woman?

Say no and stick to it.

Original poster
irishchick93 · 27/07/2024 11:01

whichfan · 27/07/2024 10:56

these poor children

what are their home circumstances with their mother?

In the home house. He left but got half custody

OP posts:
EarharttE · 27/07/2024 11:01

Well he just can't have them until he's settled somewhere, obviously.

Not your responsibility

whichfan · 27/07/2024 11:02

irishchick93 · 27/07/2024 11:01

In the home house. He left but got half custody

Show quote history

These children shouldn’t be with this man in these circumstances for half of the time

unless their mothers situation is even worse

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2024 11:04

Tell him that if he doesn't find somewhere (has he spoken to the council? Is he in work?) that he won't be having them 50/50

Mudflaps · 27/07/2024 11:18

Don't take him in, don't expect your siblings to either but make damn sure everyone knows he and his children are not staying with you. I bet they are relying on you feeling guilty (I had to work really hard on feeling guilty about things that had nothing to do with me) and taking him in. You're already doing more than either sibling so stand your ground. He can't have 50/50 because he hasn't got suitable accommodation so he'll have to make alternative arrangements until he sorts out a place to live. If he moves in with you you will be stuck with him and his children for ever. Please please don't do it, don't sacrifice your children's comfort. Also if he had 50/50 who's going to look after the children when he's working etc? Another expectation of you maybe?

Airbrb · 27/07/2024 11:25

Rentals are in such high demand in lots of places. My db tried to rent a place earlier this year - absolutely nothing. Occasionally something very expensive would come onto the market and be gone within a day or two. He’s going to buy instead of rent now.

If you have your brother and kids in your house, with your own 3 and your dh, you will end up mentally and physically fucked. Every meal, 10 people will need to be fed. What a fucking nightmare. 10 people’s washing and the house will never be calm.

You perhaps need to have some sort of negotiation with your other sibling. Like that your brother can do one week with you, one week with other sibling for example. It’s very unfair for you to have to shoulder the entire burden.

On the other hand, he’s basically fucked. He’ll be paying out for his kids and has nowhere to go.

Have your elderly parents got any cash stashed that could be used as a deposit on a 1 bed flat? He could do the main bedroom neutrally and let his twins sleep in there when he has them and he could sleep on the sofa whilst they’re there?

Harvestfestivalknickers · 27/07/2024 11:25

Yes, I agree for the sake of the children he can't have 50/50 if he has nowhere to live!
You've got to make it clear this is his issue to solve and throwing his hands up saying he has nowhere to go isn't going to resolve it. He wants you to step in and help, don't do this by housing them. Help him by showing him how to apply for social housing, send him links to rentals but do not house him. He chose to go for 50/50, choices have consequences. He needs to think of what's best for the children.

SauviGone · 27/07/2024 11:28

You say he can’t find a rental. Why?

radio4everyday · 27/07/2024 11:29

Why isn't the house being sold so they can both buy somewhere?
Why did they split?

Compash · 27/07/2024 11:31

The best thing for his kids is to stay in the home they know. To move into a cramped house with all the accompanying tension would be awful for them. And you just know you would end up a skivvy for everyone. Hold firm! For all your sakes!

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 27/07/2024 11:31

Can he move to a cheaper area? I don’t believe he can’t find a rental anywhere within an hour’s travelling distance.

GabriellaMontez · 27/07/2024 11:31

Who decided he'd have them 50/50 when he has nowhere to live?

Obviously this can't happen. No matter how much anyone wants it to.

He needs to accept that and focus on finding accommodation.

Dpresst · 27/07/2024 11:32

Tell him not to move out of his current rental, stay and keep paying rent until the landlord gets a court order when that happens he can present as homeless at the local council. If he moves out at the end of the lease the council will declare him intentionally homeless and won’t help. Get him to call shelter.

Useruserdoubleuser · 27/07/2024 11:34

Don’t do it. Am assuming you don’t have spare bedrooms anyway with a family of five plus your mum. You have NO need to feel guilty.

Love51 · 27/07/2024 11:38

Don't be cross at your other sibling, they are being clear and sensible with their boundaries. Emulate them. Not one single overnight or it will become the status quo.

cheddercherry · 27/07/2024 11:39

If he moves in with you then he won’t get any assistance as he then won’t be homeless. He needs to either force the sale of the family home so both parents can have the means to a property, or find somewhere else to rent. He can choose not to move out of his rental now (but that’s not right) but it would buy him time.

If he hasn’t got a place to stay then he can’t have the kids with him, that’s simple even if it’s not what he wants to hear. You’ve already got your elderly parents so I’d say it’s either In other siblings court to do some “family help” or you send him to citizens advice for where to go from here. But really staying with family helps no one.

MoonAndStarsAndSky · 27/07/2024 11:43

Is he employed? If he had a stable job and a sensible plan for renting another property I'd let him stay for a short fixed period - up to two months - but I would have something in place that meant he would absolutely need to be out by then - some work being done on the house or something non negotiable.

Adviceneeeeded · 27/07/2024 11:46

So he needs to be a grown up. Have a conversation with his ex wife and come to an arrangement where they live with mum until he has a permanent residence bit he takes them for the agreed time that is his and drops them home after they have been fed dinner etc

Why do people make things difficult?

Bandina · 27/07/2024 11:47

Surely he has to expand his search circle then.

If you have the energy and time maybe offer a different form of support, eg practical help with the house hunting or a deposit etc.

cupcaske123 · 27/07/2024 11:48

He can look on spare room.com or Gumtree for house shares. He can ask around at work for a spare room, sign up with local estate agents and travel further afield. He needs to see a GP if he has depression.

Catza · 27/07/2024 11:52

Your sibling said no and so can you. You don't have to feel guilty or to explain your decision. This doesn't work for you, you have no room to accommodate him. That's the end of discussion.
Why is his current lease not being extended? Why can't he get a room in a shared house?
Custody is neither here nor there as this is a flexible arrangement based on him having somewhere stable to live. It's not like kids are with him full time and have no other place to go.