Brother and kids living with me

[irishchick93]

I'm just looking some advice on this.

My brother recently separated from his partner has nowhere to live, can't find a rental.
He has 2 children twins aged 8 and custody half the week. He has 3 weeks left on his short term rental.

His mental health has deteriorated because of the split and the basis of the split and while I feel really sorry for him i feel like he's just putting everything on me and my other sibling saying "I've nowhere to live" and "I don't know what I'm going to do" has no friends in the area and the family home has gone with my elderly mum living with myself and my husband.

I'm worried he expects me to just take him in without exploring all the options, I already have my mum here and my husband and 3 young children. I honestly worry about my own mental health adding 2 more people to listen to and run after. He and the twins are hard work!

My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone.

AIBU and nasty? Or any advice? I obviously don't want to see them homeless but I feel like they wouldn't bother to look anymore once he's comfy in here.

He messages often to say how bad he's feeling with no questions as to how i am feeling
I would do it back to him, message HIM often telling him how bad you feel & dont ask after him at all. If he raises any of his problems do what he does when you raise any of yours.

Is he still contributing towards the running costs/mortgage on the family home? If so, he’s still entitled to live there. Obviously difficult in the current situation but would it be possible to find a studio apartment in the same area and he and his ex take turns staying there so the children can stay in their own home? Would take a bit of commitment on both their parts to put their children first but could work out well, at least until the children are older.

Well my comment back would be that, as you have taken on supporting your mother you are unable to also support your DB, so he needs to look to his other sibling… pass that buck!

It's definitely time your son's get their own rooms. You don't have a spare room. You have enough rooms for the people you have living in your home.

Next time it's mentioned as a joke just say you already have your mother so there is no room and enough on your plate.

Just don't do it.
U don't need an excuse.
If you actually want to do it, do it. If not just don't.
You are not responsible for ur brother and his children.
Don't be guilted into anything .

Suddenly your children want separate rooms, as you've also got mum you can't help but perhaps other sibling could. Remember no is a complete answer and next time he jokes about moving in you want to shut him down immediately and say absolutely not, you couldn't cope with it.

He needs to look on the council housing website and look for immediately available properties. They are not generally in popular places, but he could get a three bedroom flat. We did that when our landlord sold the house. All we lost was the internal stairs and landing. We needed a 3 bed as we have our grandchildren at weekends.

You need to be firm and tell him you don't appreciate the little passive aggressive comments and emotional blackmail. He is an adult and while you can sympathise, he needs to solve his own problems. He is not destitute, he has some equity - he can airbnb while he's looking for a permanent rental. He needs to see his GP about his depression/anxiety. You can be kind and sympathetic but I would hold firm on your boundaries. If you have him to stay, it could be incredibly difficult to get him out!

@irishchick93

Sorry I have 5 bedrooms. My 2 boys share. There is a spare room/toy room which both brothers have notably mentioned 🥴
Your other brother has mentioned it? What the fuck is he going with his own rooms if his house is the same size.

Tell him to fuck off and offer help rather than offering you up as help.

It's your brother
You take him and his kids in

How about a blunt reply ‘you need to try <other db> let’s face it you’re much more likely to contribute by cooking and cleaning with him. When you stayed here last you did fuck all and I absolutely cannot cope with that, I’ve seen it in action and zero chance I’m risking it again. I’m sorry you’re in trouble and I hope it works out, but I’m looking after mum for the rest of you, you’re very welcome.

Nah. After a fire / flood / cloud of locusts, yes, sure. But marriage breakdown and a lazy-ass brother who does nothing around the house - firm no.

Not if it means my children’s home life is negatively impacted

which it will be

added to which, this situation is ONLY in the brother’s best interests

This shit show is not in the best interests of the twins

Why doesn’t the other brother take him in? It’s his brother, too?!

Maybe he should stay in the family home until he has somewhere to live with the children ?

You are going to have to state it outright: "I am not able to accomodate you and your children right now as I already have my own kids plus Mum to take care of; ask [sibling name], he has the same number of bedrooms I do but without the complication of already having Mum to take care of."

Have you tried finding somewhere to rent lately? Apart from the costs involved, there's about 20 people for each rental that comes on the market.

You need to be clear it's a no. While ever you are ignoring the hints you are keeping the possibility open. Say to him" I know you have been hinting about moving here so I feel I need to be clear. Dh and I feel it would be too much,we already have mum here plus three kids so it's a no. " If he continues to push it at "I m sure neither of us want things to become awkward so it's better we end the discussion "
Tell your mum an other brother it's a no.

Have you actually RTFT?

Or failing all else move your son into the spare bedroom

You will have to be very clear about not housing him and the children op as I get the feeling he would be the type to just turn up at your door with his twins previously coached to put on their sad Daily Mail faces fait au complet style.

The brother's turned up!

It isn't about bedrooms though, is it. I can set my house up to sleep quite a number of people (sofa bed, get a extra mattress in child's room etc) but I only have one lounge and one kitchen, so my house is only big enough for my own family (and occasional visitors who we know aren't going to try to move in!) It isn't like a family with children stay confined to their bedroom.

LOL, no you don’t. He’s a lazy arse grown adult who had had plenty of time and money to sort himself out. If you really want to help him, give him a boot up the hole and tell him to stop being such a pathetic dick.