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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and kids living with me

199 replies

irishchick93 · 27/07/2024 10:32

I'm just looking some advice on this.

My brother recently separated from his partner has nowhere to live, can't find a rental.
He has 2 children twins aged 8 and custody half the week. He has 3 weeks left on his short term rental.

His mental health has deteriorated because of the split and the basis of the split and while I feel really sorry for him i feel like he's just putting everything on me and my other sibling saying "I've nowhere to live" and "I don't know what I'm going to do" has no friends in the area and the family home has gone with my elderly mum living with myself and my husband.

I'm worried he expects me to just take him in without exploring all the options, I already have my mum here and my husband and 3 young children. I honestly worry about my own mental health adding 2 more people to listen to and run after. He and the twins are hard work!

My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone.

AIBU and nasty? Or any advice? I obviously don't want to see them homeless but I feel like they wouldn't bother to look anymore once he's comfy in here.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2024 15:08

Yes he and his wife and twins stayed with me for a summer 3 years ago as they had just moved from abroad and him AND her wouldn't as much as lift the dirty dishes off the table.

When he makes his 'funny' quips about moving in, you can make a funny quip back, "LOL, maybe if I didn't know you'd treat the place like a hotel you lazy bugger". Everyone can joke about this.

You aren't the family mum, carer, counsellor, cook, cleaner and hotel. He needs to sort his own shit out. Invariably these men find someone to do their shitwork. If he gives up on you he'll find a young woman or a single mum to glom onto.

feathermucker · 27/07/2024 15:13

I find it hard to believe he can't find anywhere nearby, especially if he has a fair bit of equity!

You have no obligation, don't t him guilt trip you.

gardenmusic · 27/07/2024 15:15

Do not let him move in on his own, either. Nor meet up with his children at your house.
He has just waited for 'someone to do something'. It's time to adult.
Your role ends at telling him you will not be helping.

Anewuser · 27/07/2024 15:18

He’s got the cash to get a rental.

Alternatively, he can go on spare room.com and find a single room just for himself, then leave those children with their mum settled in the family home.

DillyDilly · 27/07/2024 15:19

When he says he’ll move in with you, just say, no, not happening, not possible. Stand firm on this. Do not let him in, even for one night because once his foot is in the door, that’s it.

I’m a believer on taking care of situations myself but in this case - would your DH say to him that it’s not happening and to stop mentioning it.

whichfan · 27/07/2024 15:19

i’d wager he’s unemployed or signed off?

MacDonaldandHobNobs · 27/07/2024 15:19

You are being played OP

It's just manipulation.

What does your DH say? maybe a united front might work better.

Put him on speaker next time he calls and your DH can back you up. Mine would just laugh and make a joke out of it, which would nip it in the bud and cut through the guilt..It's his home too so he gets a say as well!

Ponderingwindow · 27/07/2024 15:22

The only way I would have him move in is if it was a temporary stop because he has a gap between confirmed rentals.

if you are inclined to help, I would help him search for a rental. His location constraints leave him with few options for compromise. He may need to look at 1 bedrooms and get creative with furniture and storage. He will need a good sofa bed or wall bed so the twins can take the bedroom.

Sheelanogig · 27/07/2024 15:24

A firm no.

Make it clear your house is not an option.
I'd probably say the children can come for tea once a week - being helpful.without being overburdened.

LardoBurrows · 27/07/2024 15:24

If he's got a fair bit of equity and he can't find anywhere to rent why doesn't he look at buying something, even something small or further away would be better than nothing. He's just expecting you to roll over and house his lazy arse because you are female. You will end up looking after his kids when he has them as well as doing all his washing and cooking.

Please, please don't do it Op. If you give in you will never get him out. Surely your DH wouldn't be happy if your DB and his kids moved in. If you cannot find your own backbone, then get your DH to make it clear to your DB that your house is full and no one else will be moving in.

PurpleHiker · 27/07/2024 15:29

Can't you just make your husband the 'bad guy' and tell your brother that having your mum there is already putting a strain on your relationship and neither of you can cope with having more people living there.

bonzaitree · 27/07/2024 15:37

Just say « no ».

LuluBlakey1 · 27/07/2024 15:39

Don't have him in your house. Make it clear it is not an option. Just say it frankly. 'Well it must be very difficult for you but I can't offer anything.'
The next time he does the little guilt remark say 'Please stop that. My life is tough enough with 3 DC full-time, DH, mum and me all in one house and I don't appreciate the little 'guilt-trip remarks you keep making'.
If he has a huff, he has a huff.

Branleuse · 27/07/2024 15:40

He can't do 50/50 if hes homeless can he.
How the hell has he made this your problem?

whichfan · 27/07/2024 15:43

i’d be surprised
very surprised
if this man has “significant equity” in a property

cheezncrackers · 27/07/2024 15:44

He is an adult and this is his problem to sort out. It is entirely unreasonable of him to expect you to house him and his two DC. Depressed or not, he needs to step up and take care of his family, whatever the circumstances of his split. You'd be a fool to take him in. You'll never rid of him.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2024 15:46

He needs to present himself at the council's housing office as homeless with children.
While you might want to do something, in the bigger picture would you really be helping him or kicking the can down the road until he actually has to do something for his own sake and the sake of his kids? I think it would be the latter.

cheezncrackers · 27/07/2024 15:48

There was a post on another thread I was reading just yesterday (but I can't remember which one it was), and I think the approach would be helpful to you OP. The poster said she'd been through training as a counsellor for (I think) The Samaritans. And it had taught her how to not get involved in other people's problems/drama. The response she had learned was something along the lines of 'Oh dear, that must be very difficult. I'm sure you'll find a solution'. If I were you, that's what I would say to your DB. Do not get dragged into his drama, at the cost of your own peaceful home life and MH.

Grendell · 27/07/2024 15:49

If he moves in he will use the depression as his excuse for doing zero childcare for his own children and leaving it to you and your DM. And then he will be gone a lot - living the bachelor single life - and you'll be sharing custody 50-50 with his ex-wife.

The man has a plan in place and now he is just trying to execute it.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 27/07/2024 15:50

How has the custody split been decided? I would maintain that the children need to live with their mother and your brother give her maintenance. I understand the 50/50 split is now starting point but it doesn’t work here. He can still see the children without having to have rooms in a house for them.

Cherrysoup · 27/07/2024 15:51

MsMajeika · 27/07/2024 11:00

YA definitely NBU! The children will be fine. I'm sure they can stay with their DM until your DB gets himself sorted.

Just keep saying that wouldn't work for you but be clear so he doesn't wait until the last minute and not look for elsewhere.

Exactly this. Dc stay with mum while your brother sorts himself out with a new rental. Don’t do it, OP, you sound like you have enough on your plate.

Aligirlbear · 27/07/2024 15:53

As sad as the situation is your number one and absolute priority is your immediate family i.e. your DH & DC ( and mum as she lives with you). Sadly for your brother the answer has to be a no. Nothing is more likely to upset and cause friction than suddenly putting another adult and 2 children into the mix who live differently to how you and your family live. It's not your responsibility to be the stop gap, or your other sibling for that matter who has already ( wisely said no)

While it's difficult your brother will have to accept that it is his responsibility to find a home for him and his DC he shares joint custody of with their mother - not yours. If that means the DC have to stay with their mother and he can only take them out for days until he sorts himself out, that's how it has to be - he needs to have that conversation.

For you and your own family, stay strong and say no - don't be swayed by emotional blackmail, it's not your responsibility to bail him out.

Codlingmoths · 27/07/2024 15:56

irishchick93 · 27/07/2024 15:02

Yes he and his wife and twins stayed with me for a summer 3 years ago as they had just moved from abroad and him AND her wouldn't as much as lift the dirty dishes off the table.

Show quote history

That decides it! You can’t cope. No, no and no. ‘We’re full up sorry, but I’m sure you’ll find something.’

BruFord · 27/07/2024 15:56

Oh FFS, he’s being ridiculous hinting that he should move in with you. You're already looking after your mother, which is a huge favor to him as he doesn’t have that responsibility.

His children will have to move back in with their Mum in the family home while he gets a rental sorted out. He’ll have to pay CMS while he’s doing this.

As it’s jointly owned, couldn’t he also move back into the family home while he’s looking? Sleep on the sofa? It would be awkward, but then they could jointly share the bills and avoid CMS.

diddl · 27/07/2024 15:57

Oh Op you're housing your Mum-you might as well house your brother & his kids as well.

Kidding!

Their mum has managed to find housing for herself & the kids hasn't she?

Well so can he!

What does your husband think?

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