Brother and kids living with me

[irishchick93]

I'm just looking some advice on this.

My brother recently separated from his partner has nowhere to live, can't find a rental.
He has 2 children twins aged 8 and custody half the week. He has 3 weeks left on his short term rental.

His mental health has deteriorated because of the split and the basis of the split and while I feel really sorry for him i feel like he's just putting everything on me and my other sibling saying "I've nowhere to live" and "I don't know what I'm going to do" has no friends in the area and the family home has gone with my elderly mum living with myself and my husband.

I'm worried he expects me to just take him in without exploring all the options, I already have my mum here and my husband and 3 young children. I honestly worry about my own mental health adding 2 more people to listen to and run after. He and the twins are hard work!

My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone.

AIBU and nasty? Or any advice? I obviously don't want to see them homeless but I feel like they wouldn't bother to look anymore once he's comfy in here.

The pressure being put on you is crazy. Your brother's are cheeky fuckers trying to make this your problem. They don't appear to give a shit about you or your situation. It sounds like you're supporting him as best as you can with everything you have on your plate. It's time to shut down those unfair, guilt tripping comments. HE is responsible for himself.

I also think it's nasty that he most likely didn't offer to house your Mum, but now he's in the shit, he's disappointed that he can't use her for the family home.

Not for everyone, but a friend split with her partner and they rented a one bed flat 2 streets away and took turns alternating between living in the family home with the children and living in the flat alone (with the children staying in the family home the whole time). Rent and bills on both places split equally between both parents.

Rental properties are like hen's teeth where I live.

I think many people underestimate how difficult it is to find somewhere to rent these days. So many landlords are selling up and dropping out of the rental market.

Can't your brother find a room as a lodger @irishchick93?

Yes, quite apart from anything else one spare room isn't even enough for what he wants!

Yeah just screw the landlord who hasn’t done anything wrong 👎

His housing issue isn't yours to solve.
He has money, he will find something. Clearly the ex has somewhere, so even if he can't have the kids 50/50 (but paid maintenance obviously) until he sorts himself out, the children won't be homeless.
Stop listening to his bullying. Stop listening to your other brother too.
A firm Mumsnet NO is a complete sentence 😊

I knew your other sibling would be male, that's why your DB isn't pestering them. He wants to live with you because you'll be so handy for all that childcare and he'll have no housework to do, after all , last time he stayed you did everything.
Nothing will cause trouble more than him living with you Op and once he's in you'll have the Devils own job getting him out again. His DC need a settled home and your DB needs to grow up, 50/50 means him doing the work, not passing on the hard bits to you and his DM

One room isn't big enough for an adult and 2 kids not to mention if he moves in you'll never get him out.

How much is he proposing to pay for rent/upkeep?

That sounds horrific. What happens when either parent starts a new relationship?

Well there you go, he’s lost his Support Human and is looking for another one. In the absence of a girlfriend, or his mum, his sister will do.

He wants to move in with you because he wants you to cook and clean and skivvy for him. If he has the equity from half a house, there is no way he can’t find a rental. He just doesn’t want to.

Keep reminding yourself of this as you continue to say no!

Has your mum said she thinks you should let him move in?

Just keep saying no-just like your other brother has.

OP, I'd be telling him that your boys won't be sharing for much longer and you'll need the room. It's one thing putting somebody up very temporarily but they won't be will it? It'll be a nightmare as the children grow.

Also if he has the kids 50/50, he’s going to have to look after them! That would be awful. Far better to move in with you OP and then you can do all the childcare for him, you have two of your own so you’ll hardly notice parenting another two.

I've had to move in with a sibling after recent split (abusive ex DH wouldn't leave home). Have applied for a benefits check and to see whether I can get help with housing. If not, I will move further away to find affordable housing. Can your DB do the same?

I'm grateful to my sibling for giving me time to get sorted (I'm still reeling from the shock of it all). I do help with shopping, bills etc.

Is your DB afraid that if he doesn't have 50/50 custody right now, he won't get it later on? Sadly there is a risk of that. Can he manage 50/ 50 custody if he is holding down a job?

Either way, it is your choice to provide him with a place to stay or not. It sounds like he needs encouragement to get himself a place of his own.

if i was these children’s mother
i wouldn’t be waving my children off to this man for 50% of the time

And he wouldn’t have the get up and go to do a damn thing about it

He is absolutely looking for you to do all cooking, cleaning and childcare. I suspect this is partly why his DW is divorcing him!

This, with bells on.

Brutal but brilliant. And accurate.

It's just garden variety misogyny.

The other sibling could just as easy be a woman. I've read many similar scenarios where it is.

This is true but generally if you're looking to exploit people you will go for whoever is the softest touch. This is often (but by no means always) the woman.

He needs to hop on the dating apps and start looking for a nanny with benefits girlfriend ASAP.

The other sibling could just as easy be a woman. I've read many similar scenarios where it is.

Not just as easily, no. And in this case, male. As predicted.

Excuse me posting again @irishchick93 but you're Irish, and I know from my Irish friends that family is so important to them, so I understand the guilt you're feeling. I wondered if it would help you to feel better if you considered the practicalities of the problem? Not only would you be awfully cramped for space but have you thought about the other issues. How would your DB's DC get to school, if they go to the same school as your DC would he expect you to take them, and would that even be practical, is your car big enough for them all? Would he expect you to cook for everyone and do their washing, I would think with a family of five it would be very hard to extend that to eight. Is he looking to pay you housekeeping or would he expect you to treat them as guests and can your budget stretch that far? If you gave in and said he could stay with you would you feel able to say he could only stay for so long and then he'd have to go?

YANBU - just say you already have your parents - other family need to step up or he needs to sort himself out. Your plate is full. FFS i don’t even know why they’re trying it on. It’s totally unreasonable it’s far too bigger ask.

Quick - now is the time to put them in their own rooms!

If the Mum says that living with family is the answer to this man's problems I'd take her at face value. I'd nicely suggest she and he look for a home together. Either she loves the idea, does it, everyone is properly housed and problem solved, OR she hates the idea and never mentions it again and lets him find his own solution. Either way bro doesn't move in with OP.