Brother and kids living with me

[irishchick93]

I'm just looking some advice on this.

My brother recently separated from his partner has nowhere to live, can't find a rental.
He has 2 children twins aged 8 and custody half the week. He has 3 weeks left on his short term rental.

His mental health has deteriorated because of the split and the basis of the split and while I feel really sorry for him i feel like he's just putting everything on me and my other sibling saying "I've nowhere to live" and "I don't know what I'm going to do" has no friends in the area and the family home has gone with my elderly mum living with myself and my husband.

I'm worried he expects me to just take him in without exploring all the options, I already have my mum here and my husband and 3 young children. I honestly worry about my own mental health adding 2 more people to listen to and run after. He and the twins are hard work!

My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone.

AIBU and nasty? Or any advice? I obviously don't want to see them homeless but I feel like they wouldn't bother to look anymore once he's comfy in here.

The house is sold and yes he has quite a bit of equity but still having no luck in securing a property.

The rental market is tough, and tougher still when you have to stay close enough to children’s school.

But if the house is sold and he has equity in it, this smacks of him not doing enough.

How is his ex in the house if it was sold?

If he does not have a home the custody agreement cannot happen until he has.
He needs to register myself as homeless

How is his ex in the house if it was sold?

@Testina Yes, I wondered that, surely it can’t be sold yet. Unless she’s bought him out.

Exactly.
And if it was my mother, there would be even firmer NO as well.
What I learned as a 45 yo child free woman,
not sacrificing yourself to other people is fine.
Your only life (which you didn't beg for), lived
by your own standards.

It would be odd to describe it as “sold” in that case then. And he’s had long enough for a house to complete a sale and pay out, and a short term rental to run out, to sort someone.

He’s taking the piss and doesn’t want to pay rent.

And fuck it, in for a penny… I’ll make the huge assumption that the 50/50 was his preferred option to remove CMS, and a plus point of moving in with OP is that as she’s parenting 3 already, what’s another 2 for half the week?

I don’t know how his ex feels, but I’d have hated 50/50. I would rather have my children all the time. Of course I don’t as that’s not fair on them. But I would only have agreed 50/50 if it really was in the best interests of my children. If his ex feels the same, he could talk to her about them living mainly with her until he sorts his shit out.

I agree, @Testina, it doesn’t make sense. Perhaps the OP mistyped as I don’t see how his wife can still be living in the family home if it’s been sold and he’s got his share of the equity. 🤷

This.

Big no. No room, simple as that. It would really put our tour husband and kids I imagine, and they come first. Plus it’s summer holidays so no school- they’ll be in the house more

‘Well she doesn’t, and this isn’t the Smith/Jones homeless shelter. Get a grip and start looking for somewhere to live because you are not staying here’. And don’t start offering to help. That’s just another way for him to guilt trip you.

Actually I don’t agree with this, he’ll just promise to help. Pile on more guilt.

Say
No, we already have dm and that’s plenty. Don’t rely on us, you need to sort yourself out.

'I've got nowhere to live' - tell him he better get on and find somewhere quick or he won't be able to have the children.
'I'll just have to move in with you' - tell him that won't be happening. No excuses, no reason why. Just that it won't be happening.
'If Nanna still lived at home, she'd make us welcome' - we'll she doesn't so there's no point in talking about it.
Just keep pressing him on what HE is doing about his situation. He's trying to make it YOUR problem.

Nip it in the bud. Say no, you're already housing his (your) mum you can't manage any more. He has to keep looking!

OP, do not let your brother move in, unless you’re planning on being an unpaid carer for him and his children, probably indefinitely. What would possess you to let him come and ruin your family life? Just because your mother lives with you doesn’t mean you have to take on responsibility for the whole family - in fact, it’s all the more reason to say that you have enough on your plate with your mother: you don’t need someone else moving in, without any thought of how you will manage. Your brother is being both colossally unreasonable and irresponsible - just because his marriage has gone west doesn’t mean he is entitled to screw up your life. What on earth does your DH say about all this? I can’t think he would be thrilled at the thought of his BIL and kids moving in - he’s already living with his MIL. Enough - simply tell your brother that it’s not possible: you are sorry for the situation in which he finds himself, but you are not about to jeopardise your marriage and family life because of him.

Once OP really makes up her mind its not happening she will be able to ignore or shut down his hints. So the real work is internal: accepting that he has made his bed and he needs to lie in it.

If its hard for OP to manage the family hinting she can train herself to respond effectively by being warm but closed:

Bro/nanna “YOUR BROTHER WILL BE HOMELESS!!!!”

You (abstractedly, looking for an important piece of string for the cat) “Oh what a shame! Well, Im sure he will manage! Everyone does, after all. Oh, look! Kitty’s string”

So they've already trained you to obey them like a slave!
He wants to get a return on the work he's already put in to make you obey him.
You have to stand up to this @irishchick93

Just give him a hard stare and say, 'Stop it. You're not moving in here. I've got a DH, kids and Mum. I'm sorry you're getting divorced, but you'll need to find yourself a flat or something. It's never going to be possible for you to simply move in here and wreck our lives, too. My kids deserve more, and I'm sick of you making little digs about it. You might want to see a GP for help with your depression, but I can't keep listening to all this.'

You don't owe another adult your own mental health - and his issues are impacting on you and your happiness. You are going to have to be blunt about it because he's going to keep hinting and hoping if you don't firmly shut this down as not ever a possibility, no matter how much guilt you force onto me.

The children won't be homeless. They have their mother's home to live in, and your brother will just have to sofa surf somewhere else.

"Well mother, if he moves in you'll have to live in the shed as your room will be needed for the kids"

"Well bro I've got our mother living with us so it's your turn to take in our brother, we were taught to share after all".

Do a deal with your other sibling; one of you takes your mum and the other takes your brother. If not, maybe help your brother with the house hunting.

He is a CF and as I thought he is guilt tripping you
Grey rock him because every time he mentions it, he's coming up with his own answers.
Your priority is your DC and DH and you already have your Mum there
You are not a homeless shelter
Do not back down

Do you have a sense of how accurate his assessment of the options is? If he's having MH issues, that likely impacts his judgement and his ability to dig in and find a place to live. I'm betting he's got an idea in his head of another house or flat rental with space for the children, and not looking at single rooms, flat shares, bedsits, etc which may be more reasonable price wise. Or maybe he's looking close to home and not considering places further away. Possibly the best help you and your other sibling can give is to pitch in and find him a place on his own, just for him. If you're in a holiday-focused area prices may be crazy for summer and he can find something starting in September. With something locked in for a few months from now you and/or your brother could perhaps let him stay (not the children!) to bridge the gap. But absolutely he must take care of himself and pitch in with household chores while he's staying with either of you - how is that even a question?

Also, while it's ideal for no one, the best solution may be his moving temporarily back into his family house with the ex but staying in the spare room or sleeping on the couch. Selling the house and dividing the proceeds seems inevitable (unless they can both live there but not as a couple); anything else is just postponing the problem.

@OfficerChurlish that ship has sailed - marital home has been sold and he’s already flag his share of the equity.

Well perhaps he and “Nanna” could look for a flat together.

Don't let him move in. You will never get rid of him. He needs to speak to shelter and citizens advice.

Is that a serious question?
Location? Affordability ?(especially with DC 50/50) parking? Access?
All sorts of reasons.