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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother and kids living with me

199 replies

irishchick93 · 27/07/2024 10:32

I'm just looking some advice on this.

My brother recently separated from his partner has nowhere to live, can't find a rental.
He has 2 children twins aged 8 and custody half the week. He has 3 weeks left on his short term rental.

His mental health has deteriorated because of the split and the basis of the split and while I feel really sorry for him i feel like he's just putting everything on me and my other sibling saying "I've nowhere to live" and "I don't know what I'm going to do" has no friends in the area and the family home has gone with my elderly mum living with myself and my husband.

I'm worried he expects me to just take him in without exploring all the options, I already have my mum here and my husband and 3 young children. I honestly worry about my own mental health adding 2 more people to listen to and run after. He and the twins are hard work!

My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone.

AIBU and nasty? Or any advice? I obviously don't want to see them homeless but I feel like they wouldn't bother to look anymore once he's comfy in here.

OP posts:
Carebearsonmybed · 27/07/2024 12:01

Sounds like he's using you so he doesn't have to pay CMS.

50/50 means he provides a home for his DCs.

If he can't do this he can't have 50/50 and has to pay up.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/07/2024 12:02

You have already taken in your mum, you have done enough for your siblings by doing that, there is no more room for anyone else.

Your brother needs to remain in his rental until the landlords get a court order to remove him, he will be able to get some help from his local authority to be housed under those circumstances.... it may be temporary accommodation and not suitable to have his children stay but he will be housed.

If he wants to have the children 50/50 he will have to work, save and fund his own place big enough.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2024 12:02

Op, there is no way he can move into your home. Don't be foolish. That would be an absolute disaster. It simply can't happen.

pikkumyy77 · 27/07/2024 12:05

If he can’t offer the children a proper home they need to live with their mother full time. He can lidge with someone and increase child payments and do more taking them out or caregiving in exchange.

suburburban · 27/07/2024 12:15

I think he shouldn't expect to live with you when your dm is already there

CalamityJii · 27/07/2024 12:29

YANBU, of course he can't move in with you, there's already 6 of you. How many bedrooms do you have?

It's always women that get put upon to sort things in this kind of scenario. He'll have to get a mid stay Airbnb or hotel room until he finds a rental.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 27/07/2024 12:32

Agree with this.

OP, you have enough on your plate. Do not let them move in.

Ellie1015 · 27/07/2024 12:37

I would let my brother move in if alternative is homeless. Before it got to that stage I would be doing all I could to help him find somewhere. Only if genuinely nothing then I would help temporarily, kids can visit but not stay as no space and they are not homeless.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/07/2024 12:44

Kids stay with their mother until he sorts a place out

Exactlab · 27/07/2024 12:55

EarharttE · 27/07/2024 11:01

Well he just can't have them until he's settled somewhere, obviously.

Not your responsibility

This is absolutely correct.

He has plenty of time to find a permanent home and until then he will not be able to have custody.

This isn’t the OP’s problem to sort out.

MacDonaldandHobNobs · 27/07/2024 13:01

He will have to stay in the family home until he can find somewhere, that's not unreasonable.

You are looking after your mum full-time, you have enough on your plate. Say to him that it won't work and stand firm.

It may be uncomfortable in the family home but that will give him the motivation to sort a place out for himself. Some couples have to live together until the house is sold. Unfortunately that's just reality.

Their relationship breakdown should not make others depressed in their own home.

They will just have to be grown up about it and sort it out themselves.

Overtired345 · 27/07/2024 13:04

Your other sibling said no. So can you. He can't have his kids 50/50 if he has nowhere to live.

Fathomless · 27/07/2024 13:06

EarharttE · 27/07/2024 11:01

Well he just can't have them until he's settled somewhere, obviously.

Not your responsibility

this.
You've got enough on your plate. He needs to find somewhere to rent or present as homeless to the council.

ThatsAFineLookingHighHorse · 27/07/2024 13:09

Do not take him in; you already know you will be the one who ends up doing everything for everybody, and it will literally kill you.

If he can't get his act together and sort out housing for himself and his children, then their mother can have them fulltime.

That will be on him. 100%. Not you.

KreedKafer · 27/07/2024 13:12

Obviously you can’t be expected to take on your adult sibling and his kids. None of your family have to take him in. He needs to sort things for himself.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 27/07/2024 13:21

Absolutely no way should you be letting him move in with you. Take a leaf out of your sibling’s book and be very clear about boundaries. If you let him stay even with the assurance of it being on a very temporary basis you will end up feeding and cleaning up after him and his children, doing laundry etc and it will be a fucking shit show. And he’ll have no incentive to get a move on and move out.

He made the decision to leave his wife, he needs to sort out his living situation and then once he has he will be able to do 50:50

Normallynumb · 27/07/2024 13:22

You've got a houseful as it is
He simply can't have 50/50 with nowhere to live
It's not fair on the DC
Do not take him in, as kindly meant, he won't leave

BlackShuck3 · 27/07/2024 13:24

MsMajeika · 27/07/2024 11:00

YA definitely NBU! The children will be fine. I'm sure they can stay with their DM until your DB gets himself sorted.

Just keep saying that wouldn't work for you but be clear so he doesn't wait until the last minute and not look for elsewhere.

You will have to be EXTREMELY firm op.
Generally speaking men will assume that because you are a woman you are a soft touch and they just have to keep pushing until you eventually cave in.

AzureAnt · 27/07/2024 13:27

He will have to present as homeless with children at the housing dept. Don't let him move in, you will never get rid of him (and his kids)

BlackShuck3 · 27/07/2024 13:33

Be prepared for your brother to use the children as leverage to try and make you cave in. He will say it's your fault that they are suffering and unhappy etc.
You will have to be strong, be ready to shut down his arguments and turn them around on him.
They will all try and make you take on this burden so that they don't have to.
They will do whatever they can to make you feel guilty because they know that as soon as you cave in they can all breathe a big sigh of relief knowing that this will never have to be their problem.
They know as well as you do that you won't be able to get rid of him once he's in.

Fathomless · 27/07/2024 13:36

if you're feeling guilty now imagine how much worse you'll feel once they've moved in and you feel you have to ask them to move back out. He needs to take responsibility for himself and his dc. stop feeling guilty, nothing good came of it

Belladone · 27/07/2024 13:37

At the risk of being shot down, why is she in the family home when it’s 50/50, can’t it be sold so they can both get something? Just doesn’t seem fair to me

AdoraBell · 27/07/2024 13:44

YANBU. Put your mental health first and as suggested he needs to stay in his rental until the LL evicted him. Then go to the council.

Whammyammy · 27/07/2024 13:44

Poor kids. He shouldn't have half custody until he has a home. Taking them from their mothers house is awful if they have nowhere to go.

SauviGone · 27/07/2024 13:46

Belladone · 27/07/2024 13:37

At the risk of being shot down, why is she in the family home when it’s 50/50, can’t it be sold so they can both get something? Just doesn’t seem fair to me

The ex may have paid him off and bought him out of the house. The OP hasn’t explained why he seemingly can’t find anywhere else to live.

Someome who’s pushed for 50/50 contact when he can’t even house the children properly just smacks of a man trying to avoid paying child support.