Brother and kids living with me

[irishchick93]

I'm just looking some advice on this.

My brother recently separated from his partner has nowhere to live, can't find a rental.
He has 2 children twins aged 8 and custody half the week. He has 3 weeks left on his short term rental.

His mental health has deteriorated because of the split and the basis of the split and while I feel really sorry for him i feel like he's just putting everything on me and my other sibling saying "I've nowhere to live" and "I don't know what I'm going to do" has no friends in the area and the family home has gone with my elderly mum living with myself and my husband.

I'm worried he expects me to just take him in without exploring all the options, I already have my mum here and my husband and 3 young children. I honestly worry about my own mental health adding 2 more people to listen to and run after. He and the twins are hard work!

My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone.

AIBU and nasty? Or any advice? I obviously don't want to see them homeless but I feel like they wouldn't bother to look anymore once he's comfy in here.

This is exactly what you should do. Be blunt and completely unambiguous. Don't even say 'we don't have the room', because he'll just twist it. A straight 'no' as Hatty has written is the way to go.

"My other sibling simply says he hasn't got the room but he has the same amount of rooms as me. I feel everyone expects me to take them and look after everyone."
So what if they do? (And they probably don't, apart from your soon-to-be-divorced brother. Their expectations are their problems, do not volunteer for them to be yours! Tell him 'no'. And if he keeps making little digs, tell him 'fuck, no'.

You could point out that he , presumably , didn’t offer to take her into his marital home, nor I assume did your other brother. As far as taking family in you have done your part.

Suggest he can move in with your brother while he looks for a place but since the brother has made it clear the children can’t, will have to find somewhere suitable.

For heaven's sake, find your voice.

Tell him in no uncertain terms: YOU ARE NOT MOVING IN WITH ME.

You do not have to - and nor should you - explain why.
It's a simple, plain, NO.

His life is not your responsibility.
His children are not your responsibility.
His choices are not your responsibility.

He probably got 50/50 custody arrangement to avoid paying child support.

Again, not your responsibility.

If he refuses to listen, or keeps trying to "guilt" you into accommodating him, then stop answering his phone calls and texts until he gets the message.

Any direct questions from him (what am I doing to do??? etc), just shrug, and tell him it's up to him to sort his life out.

This is a good point. Assuming Nanna is paying her way, could she and brother not team up to find somewhere together sooner?

I'm betting he's got an idea in his head of another house or flat rental with space for the children, and not looking at single rooms, flat shares, bedsits

Why would he look for flatshares and bedsits? He's got 2 kids to house. Would you suggest that to a woman who had 50٪ residency?

Nothing stopping him pooling resources with her, getting a place jointly and taking on the same level of responsibility as you have.

If that's not workable, then sadly he has reached the point in his life where being housed by a parent is no longer an option. He had a good run at it.

Do not do this. Think of your kids. They need you far more than an adult sibling. Well and rested and focussed on them and yourself. Keep saying no. Living with elderly parent(s) is enough for them and you. Your B needs to sort himself out, go to the GP for his depression, find a place. He sounds like he has money.
"Oh, I'm sure you'll sort something out. How is your flat hunting going?" and repeat.

Why did he split up with his latest partner?

Was it because he used her for somewhere to live and bring the kids to 50% of the time? And she's only just cottoned on to this?

OP, it isn't the landlord telling him to leave is it? It's his current partner I expect

In OP's mind she has a full enough house already because her mother has joined the household.
In her brother's mind she is the default person upon whom anyone can land if they fancy being waited on hand & foot and dont want to pay their own way.

This. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Just explain calmly that your house is full, and he needs to get his act together.

He needs to approach the council and explain he has children and about to be made homeless. It’s not for you to resolve.

Yes, this is why he is pushing so hard, he knows that if he can just get this over the line he'll have it made. He wont do any parenting or pay any bills or do any domestic work.

You need to tell him its a hard no.

It has disaster written all over it...

This is the very first thing which struck me too - so tell him to send the DCs to their mum's (which he'll have to do anyway if he doesn't have suitable housing) and pay up

Oh, and if he whines that "being skint" is making his MH worse, that's for him to sort out too. No reason you can't help by advising him who to approach, but not to the extent of letting him continue to live there

Well it's NOT the family home is it? It belongs to you and your husband.

And when DB says, "Oh I'll just move in with you," you or your husband jump in and say, "No that is not happening. We have enough to do with three young children and Mum. You need to sort yourself out." Ad infinitum.

What does your husband think?

How many bedrooms do you actually have anyway?

It actually doesn't matter if the kids can't as they have a home with their mum. Their dad needs to sort himself out and then can look after his kids but he can't take them if he's homeless and OP isn't obligated to sort that for him. He's a grown man who can work, let him figure it out, OP isn't his bloody support human 🤦

@irishchick93

You need to look after your mental health too. I imagine life is already stressful enough with three small children and your mum. You don't need any more stress and you certainly don't need three extra people to look after because that is what will happen.

You've already said the twins are hard work and your brother has form for expecting to be waited on hand and foot .

Your children don't need all these extra people taking over their home either.

My husband loved my mum being here she's no bother at all and so much happier having her close to keep an eye. He's not so fussed on the idea of anymore guests mind but more so because he knows I'll be stressed and that helps noone in the house.

Sorry I have 5 bedrooms. My 2 boys share. There is a spare room/toy room which both brothers have notably mentioned 🥴

I feel like a support human. You've nailed it. He messages often to say how bad he's feeling with no questions as to how i am feeling

This is not your problem to solve op!

Other brother could always have him to stay too. It boils my piss that women are automatically looked to to provide any extra unpaid care like this.

His kids could stay with their mum more until your bother gets his own place again.

I'd say don't even let them stay a short while, as it sounds like he'd then have his feet under the table and never leave!

If he's finding it hard finances wise / doesn't have enough for a deposit or whatever then suggest he looks at shared ownership properties.

Either way it's for him to sort out not for you to be burdened with.

So one spare room, probably not the biggest bedroom, isn’t going to be a “home” for 50% of the time for your brothers kids, plus him. Three adults and two children is a completely different kettle of fish to four adults and four children.

It’s not just his children who need a place to call home , your children do too, and adding in another three people isn’t fair on them.

So your other sibling is a brother? What a surprise. Both of them trying to dump the problem on you. Tell them NO.

Tell them there isn't a spare bedroom; it's your children's playroom. That's why they share. Why should your boys lose their space in their own home?

Sorry I have 5 bedrooms. My 2 boys share.

@irishchick93 Perhaps this summer is the perfect time to mention that your boys will need their own rooms (soon, exact date TBD) so that your spare/play room suddenly disappears?!

I wouldn't allow them through the door....not for a single night.
He is a cheeky fxxker and his wife too.
They need to sort out housing for their twins and get their shit together.

You have your own family and your mother.
Clearly you are viewed as the family skivvy.
He could end up with you for months on end.
So much easier to have the nearest vagina skivvy for his kids and himself than step up himself and be a man.

Personally I wouldn't care about falling out with both your brothers either.
Neither of them care a whit for you.
Your responsibility is to your children, ahead of your mother too.

Be 100% clear with your husband that you will become ill and HE will be left carrying EVERYTHING if your brother and twins move in.
So what if your brother is depressed, lots of people are depressed and don't dump on the nearest vagina.
It seems many men largely see women as there for the sole purpose to sort their shit out.
If you allow him in you will have some job removing him.
He has 2 children to your 3.
You have your mother too.

Start looking after yourself before you develop health issues and believe me your brothers will be nowhere to be seen if you do.