To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

My daughter is adopted and we've always said that it's her story to tell. I think you should say that to your friends. We've had the experience of other children telling other children and it getting out of hand.

YANBU.
They don't need to lie; is there any need to even say anything? And if ever their child accuses them of lying then they've got bigger issues to sort out. Children don't need to know everything - nosiness is not the same as inquisitiveness. They need to deal with that.

I agree with you. It's up to you and your dc who is told about it. Is there any reason they'd even have to lie to them? Why would their dc be asking if your kids were adopted in the first place?

FWIW, I agree with you that it should be up to your DC who they tell however you've given the information to your friends and it's an unfortunate fact of life that you can't then control what they do with that knowledge. You can't tell them what they can or can't discuss with their own DC.

Why would their child be asking these questions? Is it somehow obvious that your child is adopted? Are you a same sex couple and it is leading some curiosity? I am guessing that you shared the information with the parent, which has lead to this.

They are making your adoption of your dc about them. I would be less generous and explain that how your dc came to join your family isn't a learning experience or family bonding session for them and their dc.

I think you are both making a big deal out of something that isn't. Unless there is more to the story that you are leaving out....e.g. having to explain how a same sex couple may have kids. Then surely there is no need for your friends to 'sit their child down and explain yours is adopted'.......it's a basic answer to a question - 'mum, why is child A black and her parents white' 'because she was adopted' every one carries on with their day. (Or whatever led to the question....but you get the point).
I do agree the details of the story are your child's to tell.And I would suggest that is what you emphasis to your friends.

Rereading your post, I'm wondering if they've already told their dc and trying to get you to be OK about it. The lying would be if they now have to go back on what they've already told them. I don't see why their dc would be asking about it otherwise. Unless you are obviously physically different, different skin colour etc

Why is their DC asking?

Fwiw we were relatively open our DC were adopted (rocking up with an 8yo and needing to ask about obvious school stuff etc), but closed on reasons why.

Thank you, I have said to friends that it is my DC’s story to tell but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else.

They haven’t asked if my DC is adopted, they’ve asked why they don’t have 2 parents, which is why I thought an answer of all families are different would suffice but apparently not. I’m worried that even if they did tell them, it would lead to incessant questioning of their parents and my DC.

I’m going to hazard a guess your child is maybe a different ethnicity or your a same sex couple.

It’s your child’s story how we, but don’t be surprised if other children put two and two together and say it anyway. There was a girl at school who everyone thought called adopted she wasn’t but she didn’t look like her parents so people and children assumed since she didn’t match.

crossed posted with you op.

Yeah I’m not sure why adopted would even come up just because you’re single currently. Deadbeat dads exist 😅 sadly.

YANBU I don't even understand why this would come up and why they would need to tell their DC. My only concern is that making a thing about it, it could be making it a thing instead of no big deal which it should be (if that makes sense)

Your friends sound like complete twats.

Her story to tell.

I remembered working out that my cousin was adopted. Nothing majority just totally different colouring, like freckles and brown eyes, rest of the family no freckles and but eyes, I just knew before I was told.

So not a hig deal tho

Well it's a no from me for these parents to tell thier child. There's no need

As for theseparents suggesting that they are worried they will be thought of as liars and break trust is a load of shit. Suggest to them if it comes out in the future to just say it wasn't their story to tell or none of their business or they didn't know

God some people are so fucking entitled with 'my child this, my child that and my child's feelings'. Your child's feelings TRUMPS their child's feelings on this occasion/scenario

Why would the first thing their dc thought be adoption? Surely you're not the only single parent they've come across?

Yes - that is my question too. How come the other child is asking questions? Most kids wouldn't even be interested in this.

I agree with this. If you really think that it is your child's story to tell why have you told people?

I agree it's your DCs story to tell.

One of my friend's was adopted and I'm sure she told me when we were quite young. Not that it mattered to me or our other friends. But I'm sure it would have mattered to her if I'd then said that my parents had already told me!

I think it's really odd to keep adoption a secret in this day and age. If it were my child asking questions (there must be a reason they are asking?) I would tell my kids. It would be very strange to directly lie to them about it and I don't think I'd do that.

Why on earth does another child need to know that yours is adopted? So strange.

The "families come in different shapes and sizes" chat with a side of "some questions are personal and we should keep our beaks out" would be perfect.

Double teaching moment for your friends kid.

To clarify, have been friends for years, pre kids. We live in the same area. It would be pretty hard to get away with rocking up with a two-year-old without having ever been pregnant!

The child isn’t asking about adoption, they are asking where my other child’s parent is. I thought an answer of all families are different would be enough, but they want to explain the whole adoption thing to them.

Is there a significant feature ie ginger hair, skin tone that would even warrant this question from a 7yr old? I was a single parent, my daughter had dark brown hair mine blonde, her blue eyes, they mine green but I never had anyone ask of she was adopted 🙄

Does your dc know they are adopted, and that would be my main concern.

It’s none of their business but unfortunately it’s out of your control. I hate this type of nosiness. All you can do is help your child navigate it.