To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

It sounds like your 'friends' need to teach their own DC that they can't have everything they want - that isn't how life works

They have no right whatsoever to discuss your DC with their DC

Well you obviously can’t force anyone not to discuss it with their children. But is it really too outlandish a request to make of a friend? Haven’t most of us kept confidences for a friend at some point?

This. They can tell their kid to stop asking questions about personal matters

Telling a 7 year old they don’t have the right to know everyone’s business isn’t ‘lying’ to them. It’s telling them THEY DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW EVERYONES BUSINESS (a useful life lesson going forward in itself)

fucks sakes.

So what happens if they have this special wechial sit down chattums with little miss/mr needs to know everything? They relentlessly question your child about WHY they were adopted, where are their birth parents etc where does it end? Because frankly, if they are this insistent on knowing WHY your DD only has one parent, once they know this they are the type to want more details, and their parents clearly think they have the right to demand and be given answers to all their intrusive questions. Fuck that.

Sometimes it’s fair to say to kids “it’s none of your business” because it isn’t.

They are making a massive deal out of it. I had a friend who was adopted when I was a kid and I never remember there being a big sit down conversation about it. Don’t even remember how I found out but it wasn’t a huge oh wow moment. As far as I was concerned Aunty S was his mum and Uncle T was his dad (and they are fantastic parents as you are).

Sadly though you can’t control what conversations they have in their own homes so don’t be surprised if they go ahead. Just remember you have do e a wonderful thing adopting a child and giving her a chance. As many PP are saying, families come in so many formats and all are wonderful.

Good point. They're trying to cover their tracks

I think if you are still.living in the same area with the same set of friends as uou did at the time of the adoption, it is am open secret.You really can't police what other people discuss with their own children!

It may be an open secret amongst adults but that doesn’t mean they can share it with anyone they choose and certainly not with children who don’t have the maturity to understand the complexities of adoption.

I'm adopted, I remember when I told one close school friend when I was about 10 years old. Que everyone in our class knowing, and asking questions, including one particularly horrible boy repeatedly asking "why didn't your real parents want you?". I went home in tears and my mum was furious. She told me that that boy was probably an accident, which I didn't really understand at the time 🤣.

I wish I'd never told that friend.

Tell your friends to butt out. Their reasoning doesn't even make any sense; is their child now going to think all one parent families have adopted? The answer of all families are different is all that is needed here.

Well tough. All families are different plus a book if needed. I'm really quite surprised this is an issue. Do you live in an area with purely 2.4 kids nuclear families?

Hi OP, I think you've had some good advice from PPs, your child’s feelings and privacy trump any feelings of this other child. It is weird the parents are making this a thing for their child when it’s literally nothing to do with them. Even weirder to keep pushing it.

The only opinions that matter here are yours and your child’s. Other people’s experiences of adoption are interesting but they are distinctly separate to yours. Wish you the best with your DC.

My children are adopted. I never made a point of telling people outside friends, family and colleagues who knew I hadn't been pregnant and that my children had arrived older - so a lot of people actually - unless it came up naturally. Our second arrived when eldest was in year 2 so everyone at school knew from that.

However the idea of it being 'their story to tell' refers, from my point of view, to the story behind WHY they were adopted, not the fact of being adopted.

Have you considered that sooner or later your child, who should be proud of their adoptive status, not made to feel it is a dirty secret, will tell their friends anyway. My children did because I brought them up to talk openly about their life history with us at home.

I think most have voted YANBU because they have not adopted themselves. I voted YABU.

This with bloody jingle bells on!!

My mum told me this a kid it didn't do me any harm, as she said you don't need to know the ins and outs mind your own business. How else are children gonna learn boundaries if their parents don't put them down 🙄

Yours friends are being ridiculous, they absolutely shouldn’t be telling their child your child’s history, against your wishes and their reasoning is just as ridiculous. If their child comes to them later and is upset that they “lied” (and really it’s not a lie to say all families are different, it’s a perfectly reasonable answer) then that is a perfect time to explain trust in friendships and and respecting people’s right to privacy. Your son isn’t wrong to want to tell people his business in his own time, if your friend tells their son it will be all over the playground in no time and unfortunately as we know kids can be cruel.

@renthead

its about privacy, not secrecy

I’m a single adopter. I adopted my son when he was 8, he has always seen adoption as a positive thing and we have always been ‘out’ as it were. But openess was his choice
we of course had to tell some children that he was joining our family and that always led to more questions eg
why are they adopted
where are their ‘real’ mum and dad, are they dead
why didnt their real mum want them
whats wrong with them
can you send them back

what is the Ops friends going to tell their child then.

Children also still get bullied for being adopted. My son was bullied because apparently he didnt have a mum, or his mum gave him away so there was something wrong with him - oh yes he is autistic so thats why she gave him away.

Thats why its private.

Totally weird and overstepping to tell their dc that yours is adopted.

*However the idea of it being 'their story to tell' refers, from my point of view, to the story behind WHY they were adopted, not the fact of being adopted.

Have you considered that sooner or later your child, who should be proud of his adoptive status, not made to feel it is a dirty secret, will tell his friends anyway. My children did because I brought them up to talk openly about their life history with us at home.*

I have two children through adoption. One is very open about their adoption, happy to tell friends etc, the other considers it her private business and doesn’t talk about other than to one close friend. Neither consider it a dirty secret, both consider their adoption to be a very positive thing. Both DC know it is their choice to tell, not mine.

My friends and family know of course, but otherwise it is their private information, nothing to do with how proud or otherwise they feel. It’s certainly not fodder to satisfy the curiosity of an inquisitive child.

Extraordinary position that your friends are taking!! Our children are donor conceived, they've always known, and our close friends and family knew when it was all happening and when they were little, but now our kids are nearly adults, I feel very strongly that it's no longer about me and 'my news' and certainly not anyone else's!! It's now my children's info to share as they wish - I don't think they have a particular problem with it, but they are quite private about it I think. I've experienced some unintentional but extraordinary lapses in sensitivity and understanding from friends and family over the years, eg me telling someone and then them asking 'do the children know?' (Like I'd tell you and they don't know?!!) or my mum saying when I was pregnant - 'Do you really need to tell the children?' (imagine what a huge unhealthy cover-up job that could become?!) but often, once it's pointed out, they'get it'. I also had a couple of experiences of them telling their own kids eg my brother being a bit casual about the information with his kids and then they started trying to chat to my kids about it as their younger cousins ... again, unintentional lack of thought.
Sorry if you have already done this (I did skim thru lots of the posts but didn't see anything on this) but they maybe just haven't thought about it from your/your child's perspective and it might be worth just sitting down and kindly but firmly explaining and pointing out a few things?? I just hope they're mortified when the cogs start turning!!!! Good luck xx

Just to say that neither I as an adoptive mother nor my now grown adopted children appreciate anyone saying that to have adopted is wonderful or that the child is lucky. No, the child is unlucky to have been born into a situation where they had to leave their birth family. And I'm very privileged to have been allowed to adopt them but we did it for ourselves, as a way to make a family, not to be 'wonderful'. That sort of comment always comes across as patronising to me.

What a difficult situation.

I agree with you but also am a little more realistic about children’s curiosity and the more the question is evaded the more intrigued (nosey) the other child will become. I can understand the other parent wanting to tell the truth as to them its no big deal. But I also understand your child wanting that information to be hers to disclose as she wishes, when she wishes.

Any adoption charities you can take advice from? That would probably be my avenue. Ask a professional.

So you can’t tell that friend anything you aren’t happy to have passed on to her child in future… pretty much cuts out any interesting conversations, so you may as well cut her loose.

I would say - you're welcome to let them know that I am a single parent, this is not a lie and it is up to DC if she ever tells anyone about adoption or not

I don't see how telling their kids your child is adopted would explain why there's no second parent.

I would be absolutely furious that they think their child's sense of curiosity is above your child's right to privacy. It would make me question the friendship. And their child is only 7 as well, not exactly of an age to understand all the complexities and implications. No way can they tell their child. Horrible behaviour abd attitude.

Hi. My twins are adopted, also age 7. My Dd recently decided to share that she was adopted, firstly with everyone on her (new) school bus, and then with the whole class, not in any detail, just that she was adopted. I have no idea why she spontaneously shared and she is actually a private person so i was inwardly surprised and had mixed feelings about it tbh... but she seemed very happy with the positive reception. We did have to gently educate one of her peers not to refer to us as her 'fake' parents and I'm sure we will come up against other unwitting or deliberately unkind comments but we will now focus on helping her build resilience and confidence to tackle these as they arise. I cannot understand why your friends feel this is a sit down moment for their child and this would irritate me beyond belief, but ultimately we can't control what is said within other people's four walls. I imagine my family has been discussed extensively, used as a handy case study in our very non diverse village and I am deeply uncomfortable about that possibility but I accept I have no jurisdiction in other family's discussions.

YANBU at all. This will not break their trust with their dc, but their trust with you. I would be furious.