To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

I also think your friends shouldn't tell their child, it's not needed for the question and as you say it's your daughters story to tell.

However, you can't control other people's behaviour (however unreasonable) and kids are naturally inquisitive about other people's families as they start to grow up. So I'd talk to your daughter and explain that some people know she's adopted (eg wider family maybe) but that the only people who know why she was adopted is you, her, her social worker (anyone else) and to reassure her that, that information is private and it's her choice if she wants to tell people and how much (eg she can tell them she's adopted and nothing else, or she can chose to say why, or some of why).

I think you and her should also work out some stock phrases she can use to various questions eg where's your dad, are you adopted, why were you adopted etc - so if she is put on the spot, she feels more confident.

Apologies if I'm saying stuff you've already done, you sound a fab mum.

These days loads of kids only have one parent for a variety of reasons, probably being adopted is one of the less common. I wouldn't have thought it was anything so unusual that your friend's child would be interested unless you live in a very small village and literally every other family has two parents.

I do agree that it is not for anyone other than your child to tell and then only when they feel comfortable doing so.

Some people think that we all live in a soap opera and everyone else's business is fair game, but this is real life and some things are not for public consumption.

It is one thing to be inquisitive and another to be downright nosey. Tell your friends that their child will have to be content will your answer that all families are different and that you will be very disappointed if they do tell. Their kid needs to learn that life is full of disappointments and they can't have everything they want and that includes other people's private information.

@Catshaveiteasy

I still feel its up to the child if they want to share that they are adopted.

When he arrived my son told the world and his wife I’d picked him and he was going to be adopted. His school had a lovely party for him the day after we went to court. I noticed as he got older he told fewer people. I sometimes had to tell people who knew us as a single parent one child family that when he talked about his dad and brother he wasnt making them up.
He is 20 and at university now. I just asked him if any of his uni friends know he is adopted. He said now, it just hasnt come up, its not something he’s talked about.
I do agree wholeheartedly with you about the patroning comments.

@LoobyDoop2 the decision to adopt a child isnt an ‘interesting’ topic of conversation between friends

I didn't say all and sundry need to be told, and I agree that a child / adult adoptee can tell or not tell, as they wish. But in my experience people just came to know generally speaking, since suddenly acquiring a toddler or young child tends to give it away unless one is very isolated from the people around them.

Then often medical consultations raise the idea of family genetics so the children hear you saying they are adopted.

At school dysregulated behaviour or excessive anxiety can be better explained with some simple facts. One of mine lost a birth parent aged 10 - they dealt with that by constantly telling everyone they knew for two years, despite having no memory of this parent. We couldn't control that and advice to say less wasn't heeded - and why should it be?

If OP didn't want her friend's child to know, she perhaps shouldn't have told them in the first place but then, presumably, she would have had a hard time explaining where the child came from, unless it's a recent friendship.

Once information is out there, you lose control of what happens to it. I don't know why these friends feel they need to tell their child but they want to and it seems odd to ask them not to.

I was probably precious about this kind of thing early in our journey, but no harm has come to my children from people knowing and they are at ease with it. My 19 year old showed a colleague the introduction booklet we made for her 17 years ago recently.

Your child is not a learning opportunity for other people's kids. I have no idea why they think they should have the right to tell her adoption story when they've been explicitly told she doesn't want that to happen. If I found out a friend was adopted and my parents had known they were adopted for years, I wouldn't think a single thing of it or be upset they didn't tell me. These "friends" just sound nosy and insensitive.

This!

The audacity is shocking.

I was going to say it depends on the reason for the question as some things can't really be explained by a platitude. Eg your child was very clearly a different race to you and their dad, I could see why a child might want to understand how that would be possible and telling them something about all families being different might leave them confused (eg wondering if the same could happen to them if they had a biological child).

But asking why someone only has one parent is rude - are they going to go round asking all their friends in single parent families the same question? In that case, its enough to know that they don't see their dad and its none of their business why not, and not to ask people that because if people don't see family any more it can upset them to talk about it

I think she will tell them anyway though

It's not their business to be telling.

You're right to put your foot down on this, OP.

And what if this 7 year was told? He won’t be able to keep it quiet, he’s not mature enough to understand it’s not something you want made into common knowledge . Kids at school have a hard enough time as it is . You are definitely not being unreasonable . This friend needs to respect your wishes . I really hope she does

I am sorry that you're dealing with this from your friends and I hope they've not already told their child.

In addition to the great advice already suggested, I'd add that you could try explaining it this way to your friends- what if the question was about why Billy's dad doesn't live with Billy and his mum any more. Would they say something vague or go into great detail about affairs, gambling, emotional affairs etc? It's the same principle. If they don't get it, ask them to imagine it's ten years in the future. How does your daughter's right to privacy change now that she's an adult entering college or the workplace? Why does a child have different rights to privacy than an adult? They must appreciate that children should not be told everything that adults know.

In this situation, a good friend's loyalty and empathy should be for you and your child and not for their own untactful (not surprising is it) child.

Upset their parent ‘lied’ to them about another child’s adoption? That’s one of the stupidest, most unnecessarily dramatic things I’ve ever heard.

Your friends are being really unreasonable.

All families are different is fine for age 7.

I'm infuriated on your behalf. If your friends' DC asks why they weren't told that your child is adopted it's a very simple answer - because it's none of your business. It's your daughter's (or your) story to tell and you are being entirely fair. Your friends sound pretty ridiculously selfish to be honest.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust.

Good lord! Could they be any more self-centred?

Your poor DC - if they wish to keep certain things private, your friends - who don't sound like real friends - should bloody well respect that.

It is NONE of your friends' DC's business. Absolutely not.

Well it's a shame people didn't read OP's later posts where they explained that the child was asking why there is only one parent in the house. So nothing at all to do with adoption!

The conversation at age 7 could be "some mummies and daddies live separately from one another". Done.

Obviously longer term that won't be enough but at 7? Come on.

They sound like idiots. I know plenty of single parents who are so Nike parents for different reasons. Only one is by adoption.

The 7 year old does not need to know this.

If I was in this situation and my child was asking about another child’s family I’d simply say ‘all families are different’ give some examples and leave it at that. Like you say it’s not their news to tell BUT unfortunately the flip side is that you can’t police what they do or don’t tell their child. In your shoes I’d appeal to their better nature but ultimately see it as a sign to distance yourself from them.

I'm stealing the line "the world doesn't owe you it's back story" !

We know two families whose dc are almost certainly adopted but this hasn't been shared, and dc has often asked questions about them and their family set up, because they have perceived or intuited things which stand out for them. Odd things which have happened when we have been out with one of the families - we are no longer friends because of it. I have talked to my dc about possibilities of what is going on, because I think it is important to answer dc's questions honestly, and i trust dc to not tell other children at school what we have talked about. I think your friends' priority is to meet the needs of their dc, and it might be that they feel they need to share what they know with their dc on the basis that their dc will not share with anyone else. The parents know, and their children also knowing would make sense.

I think that there is too much secrecy over adoption. I was adopted and some of the support I got I would not have got if people hadn't known I was adopted. I think that in relation to the two families we know, the children would get more and better support, and the parents too, probably, if their families were not as secretive as they are. It is going to be a question of judgement and balance.

A lot of adoption practice and knowhow is massively out of date, and the current attitudes over secrecy are not helpful to the children, in my opinion.

Well that certainly isn’t a reason for the other parents to say it’s because he’s adopted. ( O get what a PP was saying regarding a child having 2 dads, or a child of a different race or something, that would be tricker to answer, but would sort itself out in the end anyway as the child grew up and penny dropped)

It requires not other answer than sometimes families have 2 parents and sometimes they have 1. Nothing more. Surely you’re not the only single parent this child has come across? Is the child entitled to know the ins and outs of every single parent’s story that they meet??

Sounds like your friends kids need introducing to the concept 'none of your business'!

Then your friend needs to put her Big Girl pants on and be the fucking adult of her parent-child relationship!

I would be spelling it out in words of one syllable that her inquisitive child does not make the decisions here. Most likely, if they took that route ("they want to explain the whole adoption thing to them") it would be broadcast by said inquisitive child to all and sundry; which, since your daughter is a shy child, is just plain CRUEL. I can hear their protestations now that of course their inquisitive child would do no such thing - but we all know they would do just that (even them).

If they are so lacking in imagination and emotional intelligence that they can't think up a deflection by themselves, I would give them a ready-made one.

• Dad and mum split up
• Dad died soon after the birth
• Dad was abducted by aliens

Obviously the 'split' is easiest.

Your friend really needs to give her head a wobble, thinking that she can disclose things she has no place in disclosing, just because she can't say no to an inquisitive child.

Your friends are being really over the top. All they need to do is give the generic answer that all families are different. Some families have one parent, a mum or dad, others have two. Some families have two mums or two dads. Etc etc etc.

If their child is 7 too, they are probably getting too old for picture books, but there are so many out there that cover different family dynamics.

*But in my experience people just came to know generally speaking, since suddenly acquiring a toddler or young child tends to give it away unless one is very isolated from the people around them.

Then often medical consultations raise the idea of family genetics so the children hear you saying they are adopted.*

I’m not sure I understand your point, my children know they’re adopted, they were 4 and 6 at the time so them not knowing wasn’t remotely a possibility. It is talked about openly in our home and their extended family know. It’s not a secret or something hidden in any way.

It is private to them, they can choose whether and who they tell and they’ve both made different choices so far. I think we probably have similar views on this.