To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

I’d be bloody livid. It’s a very personal thing that not everyone, child or adult, wants to be discussed. If your child wants them to know, she’ll tell them, if this was me and someone disrespected my child’s right to a private life I’d never speak to them again tbh.

To be honest, I would be losing patience with your friends around about now. 7 is a perfectly good age to learn the concept of privacy, and that the world doesn't owe you its back story.

'Every family is different and it's not any of our business' should be enough of an answer for their DCs.

'My child's story is not your family bonding session' should be enough of an answer for the parents.

Surely you could see a distinction between lying and not divulging the whole truth?

OP has said it isn't a secret, she is respecting her child's privacy.

Ahh they are THOSE parents. Batshit. They need to respect your wishes and those of your son and tell their kid to reign their neck in.

Don’t they just, and shit friends to boot.

OP wrote this
"My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to."

Can they give their DC many examples of how a family has one parent but decline to be so rude as to discuss your set up?
Great teaching opportunities

Thank you, I have said to friends that it is my DC’s story to tell but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else.

That is their issue to deal with, it is not up to them to tell their child your child's business just for fear of their child being upset.
They sound awful to be honest, they don't need to lie but they don't need to tell the exact truth either, it's really not that difficult for them

This thread is interesting in that the responses are generally showing respect for your daughter's choice not to have her life picked apart by an inquisitive friend, just to satisfy her curiosity. I agree that your friend doesn't need to lie, and I would suggest this is a good time for her to tell her inquisitive daughter that none of us is entitled to know other people's personal information without them telling us.

Most threads where the child of a single parent is getting cross examined by "friends" get a lot of "Well it is just innocent curiosity, of course they will keep asking where her father is until they get an answer" responses.

I think this friendship might be coming to an end, since they consider their child has a right to know about things which are none of their business, even when that comes at the expense of your child's privacy!

This will only get worse as the kids get older - they will be those parents whose child's demands, (however unreasonable), are always centred and everyone else gets thrown under the bus!

Because adoption, even when in the absolute best interests of the child and results in a stable, loving family, is an event wrapped up in all kinds of complex issues. It actually is a big deal, for the child and the parents. It’s not for the OP’s “friends” to flippantly tell their DC something that is a) none of their business and b) something they are currently too young to appropriately handle.

🙄

This ☝️

This is good advice.

You can't control what your friends tell their DC but you can help your DC develop strategies to navigate any fallout they receive because of it. For example, working out answers they could give if anyone asks them about being adopted.

Kindly, their children being upset should not override your child's needs. It's not about them

The child isn’t asking about adoption, they are asking where my other child’s parent is. I thought an answer of all families are different would be enough, but they want to explain the whole adoption thing to them.

OK if this is the question, then I change my answer- no I wouldn't feel the need to tell my child in this circumstance and would keep it vague, if this is your wish. Originally I said I would tell my child but I assumed it was perhaps a child of a different race to the parents, and in that case not explaining it seems like a confusing lie.

Your friend is being ridiculous.

So what if you'd had a one night stand and had the child....no Dad on the scene.

Would she then explain the details to her 7 year old ?

Again, she's being bloody ridiculous.

They don’t need to lie, they just tell the child that your family set up and how it came to be simply isn’t their business. I guarantee they don’t discuss every private element of their own personal lives with their child.

My child asked why my friend was in hospital yesterday and wasn’t satisfied when I answered “because she needs medical treatment which you get in a hospital”. I didn’t then give her my friend’s private diagnosis, I told her that the details of other people’s medical issues aren’t her concern. It’s perfectly fine for her curiosity to be frustrated sometimes. I don’t lie to my kids, but I will very happily tell them it’s none of their business!

How daft...no one would care that their parents hadn't told them that their friends kids were adopted. Growing up, our next door neighbours children who we played with were adopted. I never knew until I was older...I guess my parents didn't want me to discuss it with them. I'm entirely unscathed by this. Yanbu

Why do they need to bring adoption into it at all?

"Many families have a mummy and a daddy, but not all. Some have one or the other, some have two mummies, some have two daddies, some live with other people who care about them. Not everyone's family will look like ours, because there are many different ways to have a family."

The end, job done, no one's personal stories discussed by nosy outsiders.

Honestly I think I’d be questioning the friendship about now. How dare they claim that their child has the right to know this?

If it was my child asking, I’d talk about families coming in all different shapes and sizes, how the important thing is that you’re the child’s mum, and if necessary reassure them that their parents aren't going anywhere (as I get this could be caught up in worries about death/divorce).

It is important to be truthful to children. But that is not the same thing as being explicit about every detail.

"Where's X's dad mum/dad?"

"X's dad doesn't live with them,lots of dads don't for different reasons,every family is different"

That's how the conversation should have gone.They've fucked up and told their kid yours is adopted and now they're worried their little darling is going to blab at school so are trying to pressure you into saying it's okay.

They are insensitive arseholes.

Yanbu it’s your child’s story to tell. they know they’re adopted and they should be allowed to share it as and when they feel is right for them.

other family is really overstepping. A 7 year old can just be told all families are different like you say

It’s none of their business and they are breaching your trust and, more importantly your dc’s trust. They are also taking away your dc’s choice and to when and how they might want to share information. Not acceptable.

they don’t need to lie to their children in order to answer their questions in a way which preserves your dc’s privacy.

but you may want to start to give your dc tools as to how to respond if at some point in the future (even if not these people) the information does come out.

You sound like a lovely mum, OP, and if course you're right to protect your dad's privacy.

Your friends either don't realise or don't care what effect their heart to heart with their child could have on yours.

I would be inclined to be very, very clear that it is not their decision who knows or who doesn't know about your dad's adopted status. That's down to her