To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

I have 3 children of my own and still tell the story about myself.
In a certain age our children were annoyed that they weren't adopted because it's special in a great way.

The issue is that the friends did tell the child's parents. They told and shared their child's story voluntary.
They shouldn't have done that if it was so important for them not to share the adoption with other people.

YANBU, they sound atrociously insensitive and self-centred. All about their child, when it's your child's business.

Your child's reticence should be respected. If they persist, I would tell them that it's their decision what they tell their child, but it's your decision to distance yourself from insensitive twats who can't respect your child's wishes and privacy.

You're rightly protective of your little one, given what she's been through. It's absolutely her story to tell and if your 'friends' can't see that, they're not friends at all. I would make it very clear that you feel strongly that they should not tell their child and if they do, cut contact with them as much as possible. They really are unbelievably insensitive 😔

If it is common knowledge with parents locally due to the circumstances it is highly likely children in the class either know now or will soon. My 7 year old is entirely uninterested in these sorts of things currently. My 10 year old and his peers seem to know the in's and out's of everyone's family circumstances, including who is adopted in other classes.

Is she able to have some more life story work to help her process the sorts of questions that are likely to come up? My kids get asked where there Dad is all the time and although it is quite a complicated situation I've helped them come up with answers they are happy with.

It doesn't really matter who knows or doesn't know or will know or won't know. That's irrelevant. A child has requested that people should not discuss her family background, and if adults and supposed 'friends' can't respect that, they're pretty low.

Why can't they just tell their nosy child "families come in different forms".

And if she continues bothering them, a sharp "stop sticking your nose it where it's not wanted" would be appropriate.

My DC is fascinated by wheelchairs at the moment, but I don't let him go around grilling wheelchair users on what happened to them that means they need to use a wheelchair. It would be bloody insensitive, to say the least.

While satisfying kids' curiosity is to some extent part of a parent's role, our kids don't have an inalienable right to know everyone else's business.

Your friend is being quite selfish here.

Your child has been clear that she doesn’t want it talked about - your friend could easily tell her child that your child’s father lives a very long way away.

@Hypen

I have reported your post.

The op did not wreck anybodys life. Decisons about adoption are made by courts long before any adopter enters the picture
your remark is both inaccurate and hurtful

You got there before me @Ted27

The details are private. But a family made by adoption? DD was 5 when she came home, so it was obvious that she wasn't my birth child. It has never been a secret that she is my daughter by adoption, so it has never been a big issue. It is just another variation of family. Much better to be open and not feel it is somehow shameful.

The details about her birth family and adoption are private, and up to her to share or not.

@Hypen

Both my son’s birth parents are alive and (not so )well. Ive met dad many times - we get on very well thank you
Why would you think adopters woukd be told birth parents are dead, unless they are.

DD (teen!) is enjoying the questions. Why don't you have a dad? Because he's dead, so's my mum (in our case).

Then everyone gives me side eye looks 😂I have been her mum since she was 2 (and both birth parents alive at the time).

She enjoys watching adults tie themselves in knots over something so completely normal. Her birth parents couldn't look after her, so she was adopted.

I’m an adoptive parent and it is absolutely your DC story to tell (if/when they choose to)
what gives your friends child the right to demand personal information about your DC, how will it make any difference to a 7 year old anyway? Surely they are friends because they get along and like similar things, 7 year olds don’t need to know about family dynamics!
Are you sure your friend hasn’t already told them (annd maybe other people too) and js now back tracking to try and gain your consent?! If your friend is this pushy and not respecting your boundaries, she is not a true friend and she certainly doesn’t understand adoption at all.
I would distance myself from her personally.

This sounds like it’s coming from the parents, not the children.

In my experience kids don’t give a shiny shit about this stuff- not if it isn’t related to them anyway!
Definitely not past a passing question- and that can only have come from the parents to start with- how else would they know to ask ?

however , you can’t dictate what one parent tells their child. Sadly

express How disappointed you would be if they went against your wishes, and disrespected your child’s privacy .

There are any number of responses to 'where is 'X's' dad.

'Families come in all shapes' is one of them.

And 'X' is adopted is another.

I hope we can gradually move away from adoption being a shameful secret, and become just another way families are formed.

An adoptee's perspective here ..my backstory to being adopted is that I was born prematurely because my birth mum was a drug addict. She therefore obviously couldn't take care of me.

If I tell people I'm adopted, I'm happy to share with them certain details, but not all the nitty gritty details. I understand why the OP feels so protective of her DC and it certainly is their story to tell. They shouldn't feel pressure to disclose any details or information they don't feel comfortable with.

Sorry op , I didn’t read your updates prior to posting.

the updates I feel make it even worse in some ways! It’s purely your friend gossiping!

a massive amount of children live in a one parent household it’s not unsual at all.

every one has different families is a perfect response

I honestly don’t believe that your friend’s child has asked , other then a passing- where is my friends dad , in which case it’s a perfect response.

"Their child might be upset" that they didn't know. Their child does not have the right to know anything about your family. Good time for that child to learn about privacy.

Your friends are being completely unreasonable. This really isn’t about them or their child, they’re making the focus their own child and themselves and this is selfish. It’s yours and your child’s story to tell. They should just say say all families are different some people don’t see their dads, which is true in your child’s case too. Full stop. I’m annoyed for you thay they’re even putting you in this position

I would hold firm on this @Hellotoyouandyou
Your friend could say to her DC that every family set up is different and it isn't polite to nose into other people's personal business. Having one parent is no more remarkable than having 2, or having same sex parents, or step parents or any other number of set ups and it is bad manners to speculate.

You need to open your mind a little. Just because YOU were happy for everyone to know and YOU can’t understand the OP’s reticence, it doesn’t mean she’s wrong.

Something being nobody’s else’s business doesn’t make it a secret or shameful. OP has confirmed how she feels, and more importantly, how her daughter feels. The desire of some so-called “friend” to share this information with her children does NOT override that.

No they didn’t. OP knew these people when she adopted her child. Unless she was going to claim the stork brought her, how do you expect her to have explained the sudden existence of a child in her life?

Your friends have to respect the wishes of you and your DC.