To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

They are being ridiculous it isn’t breaking trust. If dc gets older and asks why they didn’t tell them your dc was adopted they can say it wasn’t their story to tell. Their dc will learn a lesson then about discretion and respecting others privacy and boundaries.

I 100% agree with you. It's your DCs story.

I think ethnicity makes a huge difference here. My DSs best friend was very obviously adopted, you need only glance at the family and you would know. My DS was asking questions from a very young age, asking me and his pals Mum. We fobbed him off for a few years until the child explained himself why he looked different. I was adopted myself and same ethnicity as my parents and it is so much easier, no one ever questioned me and I am glad as it's no one's business. A very different experience.

Is your child bothered about other people knowing they are adopted ? I don’t understand why it’s a secret, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Keeping it a secret makes it feel like it’s wrong, when it isn’t.

You say it’s your child‘s story to tell so why not tell them that questions are being asked and if they mind the other child knowing? If they don’t want to share, or seem unsure, they you can tell your friends that. If you don’t tell your child that people are asking questions then you are not actually giving them the choice whether or not to share their story…

I wonder if they want to tell as they see adoption as the most socially acceptable answer, more than other explanations ONS, other parent leaving, widowhood, IVF etc.

Thank you for all responses. I really do appreciate it. Being a single parent is tough sometimes, especially not having someone to talk things like this over with.

Friends know nothing of my DC’s story prior to their adoption, though they have asked in a roundabout way a few times over the years.

It’s so hard, my DC has been through more prior to her adoption than many people do in a lifetime. She is a true warrior and I am so very proud of her. I just can’t bear the her painful early start being the subject of speculation and gossip in the playground if friends do tell their child and they tell others. We will be distancing I think, it’s just hard when they are in the same school.

It's a bit strange that they want to sit their child down and discuss your child's family history. If their child does find out in the future I doubt they would be upset that their parents hadn't told them as it's not their place to tell anyway...they're being a bit ridiculous. A simple "all families are different" is enough if they're asking questions about parents. The kid has probably forgotten they even asked as it's likely to be a fleeting observation that they don't actually need an answer to.

How old are these children and your child?

Those parents would do much better to teach their kid that not everything is their business!

While I don't really understand why this needs to be such a big deal (I was adopted as a child, and didn't care who knew - I was brought up to believe that adoption was a very special thing, and I felt loved and secure about the whole process) - I do agree that it is your child's story to tell, and if your friends should respect your wishes on this.

That said, it's clearly not a secret, presumably many people in your area know, so it is a bit beyond your child's ability to control who does or doesn't know.

Totally this

Are they very precious? There are loads of single parent families out there, why are they asking questions re the ‘other’ parent? Don’t they know any other single parent families? Not their story to explain, they just say some families only have one parent.

@Hellotoyouandyou i think this is one where you have to be very firm with your friends. Make it clear that you do not want them to tell their DC and, if they do, you will not be able to forgive their actions. Your DD’s adoption has absolutely nothing to do with them or their DD - end of. It is 100% your DD’s story to tell when she is ready. My inner mama bear would be getting ready to show the world how loud it can roar to protect my DC.

Even when the people it actually impacts had specifically told you not to?

Ask your kid whether they care if friend knows they’re adopted? YANBU though, agree it’s up to the child.

they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know

I think my answer to that would be 'So what?'

This isn't about their DC's feelings, and if their DC are 'upset' by not knowing someone else's very private and personal information, they need a good lesson in why they're not entitled to know that sort of thing if people don't want to tell them.

They haven’t asked if my DC is adopted, they’ve asked why they don’t have 2 parents, which is why I thought an answer of all families are different would suffice

It absolutely would suffice. All they need to say is that some people don't have two parents. They will meet other kids who only have one parent (and no memory of/contact with the other one). Your friends need to explain that some people only have one parent and that all families are different and we shouldn't be nosy about the reasons why.

As you say - it's your DC's story to tell, if and when they want to. The demands of other people's kids shouldn't be a factor here.

I find that so weird of your friends!

My son is adopted. He knows. My friends know. I’ve never been asked by them if they can tell their DC. It’s very selfish of them! My son has told children in his class (he’s 5) but I think it’s up to him! Your friends are making it all about them.

Extraonions, my DC is very clear that she doesn’t want others to know. She is very private and shy and hates being the centre of attention. We have had many conversations about the difference between secrets and privacy and I’ve told her it’s ok if she wants to tell others. She just doesn’t want people to know at the moment.

It's not that it's 'secret'. It's that it's private. People including children should have the right to privacy about things that are no-one else's business.

YANBU - it is definitely your DC's decision to discuss/share this or not.

I would have thought the opposite about the trust regarding the other parents. They need to trust that their parents understand boundaries and won't go repeating all their news to everyone. No one trust gossips. They need to be taught that there are many questions that we don't ask people and that if people want us to know they will tell us in their own time, without the prompt of an intrusive question.

My DC know I have kept things from them. Things that aren't my business to share or theirs to know.

Your friend is ridiculous. This is private and she absolutely should know not to tell her dc because kids will spread it and may say insensitive hurtful things about it to your dc.

but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else.

Why on earth do they think it's all about THEIR child?
If be furious, and make it clear, as a pp said, that the important person in this situation is YOUR child, and she's not an educational visual aid. If their child is pissed off about it at some point in the future, they simply explain that it wasn't their story to tell, and that they respected your child's choice.

All families are different is a perfect response given the DC is asking about the missing parent. In my DD's class I reckon fewer than half were living with both birth parents by the end of year2.

This, with bells on it!

Flipping heck, talk about entitled parenting, they honestly think their child's "need" trumps your child's? Bloody hell

Thank you, I have said to friends that it is my DC’s story to tell but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else.

Then they and their DC will have to cope with being a little upset, won't they. One of life's lessons is accepting that you aren't always entitled to everything you want to know about other people's private business.

This does sound like it's the parents being entitled brats, not their child, doesn't it. All the more reason to hold a firm boundary on this. What else do they feel entitled to - your NHS records? The results of the STI screening you undertook 15 years ago? The feedback you got when you weren't selected for promotion? No. It is ridiculous of them to think that they are entitled to share personal information that isn't theirs.