To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

YANBU.

Your DC does not want this information disclosed.

Your friends are centring the wrong child/ren here.

The presumption their child may be upset in the future about not being told the truth is ridiculous.

Their children don't have a right to expect personal information about others to be shared on demand. If they are upset it's because their parents are not prepared to explain that - which is poor parenting.

They should be considering teaching good boundaries and explaining to their child that having questions is ok, but so is people having the right not to answer them.

The response of all families are different is perfectly reasonable.

They need to consider the potential upset to your child in having this information made public before they are ready and be realistic that if they told their child they cannot guarantee they won't share it with others and/or want to talk to your child about it - something they are not ready for.

Honestly they sound pretty damn selfish and entitled to me and failing to consider the impact on a child who has already experienced trauma in favour of feeding their own child's curiosity.

I'd consider having a word with your child's social worker (I assume they will have one) and asking them to intervene and speak to the parents.

I cross posted with this, which days it way better than I did.

Teaching your kids about privacy, respect, and confidentiality, is important.

Why are Parents so obsessed with what their children will think and whether or not they will be traumatised by something they didn't know.

They're so obsessed with explaining everything to their little darlings.

Thinking their children could be upset at their parents lied to them when they find out in a few years time. That is a massive stretch by anyone's imagination. What will happen is? The child will tell her friends when she's ready. And I'll probably just go.. really and move on.

I never understood why adults feel they have to justify themselves to seven year olds or explain anything to them. It is none of a child of any ages business and that's it.

I'd reconsider friend ships if thats what they're going to do.

You friend sounds like an idiot 'all families are different' is the perfect answer. If a child had same sex parents would they be sitting their child down and explaining sperm donation and ivf to them? I doubt it! They're just being dickheads.

I would be dumping these so-called “friends” like radioactive waste in the desert. Their attitude is revoltingly “But what about meeeeeee?” What adult seriously says, “I know it’s you and your child’s lives we’re talking about here, and that this flies in the face of your child’s wishes, but MY precious little angels might be mildly put out for five minutes if they find out I knew something they didn’t! 🥺🥺🥺” Tough bleeding titty!!

It seems a bit of a red herring, the adoption.

NoseyChild asks “where is Sophie’s Dad” NoseyChild’s parent: “Sophie’s adopted”
NoseyChild “OK, but why does Sophie not have a Dad at home who adopted her with her Mum? And where are Sophie’s real parents?”

The fact of adoption doesn’t answer the original question. And it just opens up even more questions. “It is her story to tell” is a great mantra to repeat repeat repeat.

Well the answer to why your dc doesn’t have 2 parents isn’t that they’re adopted — it’s that you are not married, all families are different and lots of children have 1 parent. That’s enough for a 7 year old.
Very odd for them to think adoption is the answer to their child’s question.

Stick to your guns! My two are adopted and if I'd known how much grief and bullying they would go on to receive from other kids ( and some awful adults) over the years I would have done everything in my power to keep their adopted status secret!

Sadly it's hard to keep it secret when you turn up at pre school to pick your three year old up with a baby in a buggy that you didn't have the week before!

One thing we have done is keep their adoption story secret and let the kids decide what detail they want to give and when.

Presumably they fobbed off the inquisitive child’s questions previously so they can just do that again and again and again until “just mind your own business!” becomes the appropriate response. They probably won’t even ask again anyway! I agree with other posters that parent likely wants to use this as a learning experience which is ridiculous but that’s why they are pushing it.

None of their business. Like others I suspect they have already let the cat out of the bag which is totally out of order. What other reason could there be for a 7 year old to jump to that conclusion when it’s simply a lone parent family? I don’t think most 7yo even understand the concept of adoption.

I would tell them no, don’t disclose. “All families are different” or “X’s dad doesn’t live with her” are both true statements and quite sufficient. They need to teach their child about boundaries…..

This mum sounds self centered and nuts.
She wants to share private information because her child has asked a question, surely you aren't the only family in the school with one parent at home.
Why does she feel she owes her child any information that she requests, as you've said she needs to explain that all families are different - that more than adequately answers the question.

It's a shame she's putting you and your daughter in this situation, regardless of what she does next I'd definitely distance myself from her. She has no boundaries or respect.

You are a great parent. This is absolutely up to your child, who is told and when.
I think it’s highly unacceptable that your friends are not valuing your child’s feeling about their story. How would they like it if you shared something personal about their lives with your child.
i wonder if they’ve already told their child she is adopted and that’s why they’re emphatic about telling you they have to tell their dc.
Their child doesn’t get to have hurt feelings about this. It’s none of their business which is what they should be told.

A good retort for adopted children is well I was chosen - your parents got stuck with you.

It's not 'keeping a secret'. It's respecting a child's privacy.

My friend's younger child is adopted. The child was adopted at three, and is now 12 or 13. If they need to explain that they're adopted, they will do so, but they don't volunteer the information because whenever they've mentioned it to other kids, they immediately get lots of questions from other kids about why they were adopted, what happened to their birth parents, whether they remember them etc, and those aren't really questions they wish to answer, for a multitude of reasons. They're not ashamed of being adopted, but there are a lot of reasons that they don't like being asked questions about it.

I think if you are still.living in the same area with the same set of friends as uou did at the time of the adoption, it is am open secret.You really can't police what other people discuss with their own children!

I must admit I did tell my son my friend’s daughter was adopted. It was said in all innocence and tbf my friend never told me not to. If she had asked me not to then I definitely wouldn’t have. I think the difference is though my son wouldn’t have asked (she and her daughter look very alike weirdly).

I can't believe what I'm actually reading! Your friend is making your child being adopted all about her and her child and how she can't lie! Its none of her bloody business and she isn't lying to her child she's simply explaining family set ups are different.

@Hellotoyouandyou ask your friend how she and her dc would feel if you disclosed something personal about her child to yours because you don't wanna lie to your child? I bet she'll say thats different sounds to me like she wants to gossip about this. But her kids feelings and curiousity don't trump your childs right to privacy.

As for lying to her child ask her how she feels about telling her kid Santa, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny aren't real? Because thats lying to kids too I don't see anyone getting worked up over that

I totally understand your feelings around this. My child was conceived using a donor. I have always kept the information private while they were tiny/primary as it was also concerning my privacy. I guess I struggled with the stigma of that being the only way I could have a baby/no real person wanted me, even though it was more complicated than that.
Child has always known in an age appropriate way. We talked about the difference between secrets and keeping things private as they grew and that once that info is “out there” in their circle, that’s it. You can’t take it back.
Since they’ve hit teenage years they’ve just told anyone who has asked and are totally fine with it. I’ve had to deal with them sharing “our” private information in my own way and not shared that it’s been difficult at times because I still feel I’d be judged. What’s most important to me is that my child is content and thankfully they have no such misgivings. Your friends taking that ownership over someone else’s private info is awful.

I have a friend in the same position (same age daughter and everything). The adoption people drummed into her that it's her daughter's story to be shared as and when she wants. She deserves control over this; children who have been adopted have often been denied agency and control over so much of their lives, this is one thing that is theirs.

Friend has told some adults who might not otherwise have known, because her daughter's background means she has to be extra careful about not sharing things on social media. But she would be horrified if anyone passed this information on to others who didn't need to know. It is up to the daughter and her alone to tell her own story.

Your friend is completely out of order here. An 'all families are different' conversation is sufficient for her child.

Sounds like they've already told them and want retrospective permission.

Where on earth do you live that 7 year olds are absolutely baffled by someone living with a single parent? Surely there's loads of kids in the class the same?

And how would adoption be the obvious explanation for the lack of a dad? None of what they are saying makes sense. Adopted people still have the same range of types of families that non adopted people do.

OP I know it's easy for me to say but I get really bad vibes about these friends. Why do they think their DC being upset about not knowing something that's nothing to do with them is more important than your child having something so personal revealed against their wishes? Honestly it's so bizarre that it almost doesn't sound real (I believe it is) and I think you would be well within your rights to be very firm with them.

They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer.

It’s a perfect opportunity to teach their inquisitive, curious that they don’t have the right to anyone’s private information. They need to teach their child boundaries and how to let things drop.

It's not about shame or secrets.

It's about a child being ready to have conversations about being adopted with their peers.

It's doesn't go "are you adopted"..."yeah".."ok, cool".

There are a flurry of questions about why you were adopted. About your birth family, how you feel about it, are you in touch with them, does it feel weird? Etc

Questions that have the potential to hit some very raw emotions and cause a child to regress into past trauma at an age/time they cannot cope with.

That's why it's their story to share because it can be a hell of a big and traumatic story and one that young children (both the friend and the adopted child) can find very difficult to navigate.

We don't know what trauma the OP's child experienced (and I'm not suggesting they share it here - far from it) but maybe the friends might want to consider how their "curious" child might be impacted when told the truth and opening up a conversation alone with their friend that leads to disclosures about abuse, raw, unfiltered and without an adult to help them process it?

They are not thinking this through for either the OP's child or their own.

This.

This family needs to get a grip and speak firmly to their child that other families are none of their business. They don’t need to lie, just say that other families’ origins are private matters which we don’t discuss. Would they see the need to tell their DC what you earn?

Your friend is awful!!! Self absorbed doesnt begin to cover it
I cant believe this - yanbu at all.

Are they a very permissive / indulgent parent? It's bizarre they feel they need to disclose this to their child.

Plain weird.

Your friends sound like dickheads. I would tell them so as well - how your child came to be with you is not some kind of bonding session they want to have with their kid. Tell them how you feel, and distance yourself from them.