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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about my “Tomboy” DD

197 replies

SendMeHomeNow · 25/07/2024 15:17

My 6 year old is constantly being asked if she’s a boy or a girl. She usually just refuses to reply at all, or she will say once that she’s a girl. Some children seem to ask repeatedly though. She’s beginning to get really annoyed about it. I’m not sure how to help her deal with it.
90% of her clothes are from the “boys section” in shops. She has long hair but refuses to tie it up unless she has to for sports activities. It’s probably her mannerisms that make children think she is a boy though, more than anything else.
I obviously don’t want to change her, but I wish I could stop children being so rude. I know I can’t affect the behaviour of other though. Any suggestions of what she could say when asked, that may stop the repeat questions would be great!

OP posts:
politicalintrigue · 25/07/2024 15:18

she has long loose hair and she’s 6 and she’s constantly asked if she’s a boy? by other kids? that’s strange as at that age long hair = girl

politicalintrigue · 25/07/2024 15:19

what “mannerisms”?

Treesnbirds · 25/07/2024 15:24

Could she say "I'm a girl and I like boys clothes."

sunsetsandboardwalks · 25/07/2024 15:26

Does she get to choose her clothes?

FuzzyStripes · 25/07/2024 15:27

I have a daughter and 100% of her clothes are marketed for boys. She also has long hair and is a similar age. She is never asked if she is a boy. It seems really strange your daughter is. I’m not even sure children have different mannerisms that indicate a gender either.

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 15:27

Why are you buying her clothes from the boys section 90% of the time? I know we live in a more gender neutral society than ever but most clothes retalilers still sell boys and girls clothes!

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 25/07/2024 15:30

My DD has always preferred 'boys' clothes to 'girls' clothes. She has long curly hair but because she's wearing a football top and a pair of shorts people ask her if she's a boy.

She finds it funny and thinks that they are stupid.

Just keep encouraging her to be confident in who she is.

And drop the word 'tomboy' its very dated.

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 25/07/2024 15:31

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 15:27

Why are you buying her clothes from the boys section 90% of the time? I know we live in a more gender neutral society than ever but most clothes retalilers still sell boys and girls clothes!

Girls voyages are fairly limited. Pink. Unicorns. Sparkly. Crop tops etc.

Don't know about OPs DD but my DD hates most of the clothes in the girls section.

AimlessWandering · 25/07/2024 15:34

Don't really have any suggestions. Unfortunately she's much too young to tell them to f off.

This is really just a plea to not try and change her or call her tomboy. She sounds like me at 6 and my mum was forever trying to get me in 'girls clothes' to stop this and be a proper girl

To cut a long story short. Climbing trees and wearing 'boys clothes' didn't cause me to spontaneously grow a penis and eventually people stopped asking dumbass questions.
She's a girl. She's just her version of that. Support her. Remind her people are largely stupid and she'll be fine

politicalintrigue · 25/07/2024 15:34

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 25/07/2024 15:31

Girls voyages are fairly limited. Pink. Unicorns. Sparkly. Crop tops etc.

Don't know about OPs DD but my DD hates most of the clothes in the girls section.

huh?

i just got a load from next

jeans, cargo pants (in beige and one black) solid colour t shirts… i could go on

Tiberius12 · 25/07/2024 15:36

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 15:27

Why are you buying her clothes from the boys section 90% of the time? I know we live in a more gender neutral society than ever but most clothes retalilers still sell boys and girls clothes!

Because she prefers the clothes in the boys section?

My 6 year old daughter also prefers the clothes in the boys section. She is interested in superheros and dinosaurs not fairiess and unicorns.

FluentRubyDog · 25/07/2024 15:36

What is the problem with accepting her as she is, offering unconditional love, teaching her a bit of resilience and otherwise just letting her be?

Hopeful16 · 25/07/2024 15:38

I'm actually quite surprised by your wording in your post as I would think that the children asking aren't particularly being rude or trying to cause offence- they're simply children asking a very 'straightforward to them' question.
I would explain to her that in today's society it is fine to look and be whatever she wants to be but sometimes expressing individualism will result in people asking questions. Laugh with her and tell her you'll buy her a tutu/ some high heels/ etc if she wants to look 'girlie' but that there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking like she does.
My daughter prefers track/ jog suits and trainers and is very sporty/ physical in play but has started to ask for a "splash of pink" and I'll be honest that it's never bothered me either way. She has a girlie name but has in the past been mistaken for a boy. We just shrug, correct and move on.
Unless she's being picked on/ insulted I can think of wrong things.

FuzzyStripes · 25/07/2024 15:39

politicalintrigue · 25/07/2024 15:34

huh?

i just got a load from next

jeans, cargo pants (in beige and one black) solid colour t shirts… i could go on

That’s nice for you. Not necessarily what every girl wants though.

My daughter likes the superhero, Pokémon and Minecraft clothes. Her favourite colour is blue and she prefers comfort over fashion.

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 15:39

Tiberius12 · 25/07/2024 15:36

Because she prefers the clothes in the boys section?

My 6 year old daughter also prefers the clothes in the boys section. She is interested in superheros and dinosaurs not fairiess and unicorns.

Tell that to Next, Sainsburys and wherever else then. If you dress them in boys clothes then no wonder other kids are going to comment. Strange how you dont usually see boys in unicorn tops and pretty llamas isnt it.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 25/07/2024 15:40

Tiberius12 · 25/07/2024 15:36

Because she prefers the clothes in the boys section?

My 6 year old daughter also prefers the clothes in the boys section. She is interested in superheros and dinosaurs not fairiess and unicorns.

In fairness, OP doesn't say her child prefers boys clothes, just that those are what she wears.

They could be hand-me-downs etc.

FuzzyStripes · 25/07/2024 15:40

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 15:39

Tell that to Next, Sainsburys and wherever else then. If you dress them in boys clothes then no wonder other kids are going to comment. Strange how you dont usually see boys in unicorn tops and pretty llamas isnt it.

But this is the point, nobody comments on my daughter who is happily dressed in clothes targeted at boys.

politicalintrigue · 25/07/2024 15:42

FuzzyStripes · 25/07/2024 15:40

But this is the point, nobody comments on my daughter who is happily dressed in clothes targeted at boys.

exactly

so the Op’s child is

6 years old
long hair never tied up

and constantly asked if a boy

BS

midgetastic · 25/07/2024 15:42

We decide that sone clothes are boys clothes and sone are girls even though there is no reason to make that distinction other than our own prejudice and stereotypes and then make it difficult for kids to wear what they like

Teach her that it's rude to ask people if they are a bit or girl and teach her that adults asking that or making assumptions based on her clothes choice are stupid

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 15:42

OP says its more about mannerisms, though Ive no idea what constitutes a 6 year old boy mannerism!!

SonicTheHodgeheg · 25/07/2024 15:43

I think that it’s better that kids ask rather do what some well meaning adults say and call her a boy based on her appearance, Gender norms can be super narrow in primary - my kids are older so escaped the gender crap but there was still a pink is for girls mentality.

I think that buying from the boys section is fine - I was chatting to a cashier at Primark and she was saying always buy the men’s/boys version of basics because the material is thicker /better so it lasts longer.

Singleandproud · 25/07/2024 15:44

We shopped from the "blue" or "pink" section when DD was younger. 99% of DDs bottoms came from the blue section, they are often, at least, in the case of shorts, longer and thicker and in far more sensible colours. She was very tall and the boys cut fitted her far better. Tops she picked from both sides. Shes well into her teens now and most of her trousers are women's and tops from either male or female side.

She has always worn her hair pixie length and people would ask her if she was a boy or girl until she started to develop. Children didn't really frustrates me as it's an innocent question - at least the first time it's asked, supply teachers on the other hand were annoying and would refer to her as a boy, however her school clothes were 'girls'.

She used to respond "I'm a girl, what are you?"

politicalintrigue · 25/07/2024 15:46

Sisterdeloris · 25/07/2024 15:42

OP says its more about mannerisms, though Ive no idea what constitutes a 6 year old boy mannerism!!

me too

but the Op hasn’t been back (and i doubt will be). Too busy researching how young her child can be before she can progress first step to her daughter changing sex

Iwasafool · 25/07/2024 15:47

politicalintrigue · 25/07/2024 15:18

she has long loose hair and she’s 6 and she’s constantly asked if she’s a boy? by other kids? that’s strange as at that age long hair = girl

Yes I have two GDs that age and they insist long hair means you are a girl, drives me mad. I show one of them photos of her dad as a teenager with long hair, she agrees he's her dad, she agrees he's not a girl and then she says but girls have long hair boys don't. They also insist they "can't" play with cars as that is only for boys. Where has all that come from, I was a tomboy with short hair and rarely in a dress in the 50s and no one thought anything of it. Are we going backwards?

ebadame · 25/07/2024 15:48

Sounds like the school needs to do some work