DH ‘quick drink’ after work

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Would this annoy you? DH goes for a ‘quick drink’ after work meaning he doesn’t get home until gone 9pm. We have a newborn and a toddler and the days at home are so long I’m not sure if this is making me irrationally angry when I see his text! It’s once every couple of weeks but really messes up dinner plans etc too.

I understand OP.

Days at home with babies are long and I am the same, I count the minutes until my DP is home so someone else is around to let me even go for a wee in peace.

I actually think every couple of weeks is really regular and I wouldn't be happy with this AT THIS STAGE IN OUR LIVES. Times will change and you won't always feel like this, but young children are intense and the days are long. Your DH should understand that and make these drinks a bit fewer and further between for now.

I currently only have 1 toddler and I do get what you mean about waiting for DH to come in so you can have a break. Minding small children is absolutely exhausting.

He needs to be finishing work on time if he can. And giving you decent notice if he intend to go out so you can mentally prep yourself. My DH is self employed and doesn't often work late but when he unexpectedly does it can be annoying.

Do start planning something for yourself too, get out with the girls, go to the cinema, go get milkshake park the car and listen to an audiobook for an hour!

But he he doesn't finish until 7 then has an hours commute then getting back at 9 is a quick drink surely. Means only in pub an hour

OP what time does he come home on the days when he isn't going for a drink? I'd be more annoyed I think that's he's hanging around at work when he doesn't have to. I think the odd spontaneous drink is ok but not on a regular basis. It's the lack of notice too that I'd have an issue with and also that you're not getting any breaks yourself. Completely unfair and what's probably winding you up is that you're effectively trapped at home and not getting out at all and he's still living a life where he can spontaneously go for beers. Not a fair deal

I agree the short notice would annoy me too!! Planned is fine as I’m prepared for tackling bed time solo after an intense day of parenting alone !

when I’m expecting to be able to hand over the kids at 6pm then suddenly I’m left to cope alone I hate it!!

if he does go to planned after work drinks or whatever mid week then I chose another night to bail out on bedtime / go to a gym class/see a friend or whatever as it should be equal free time really

For what it’s worth OP, I felt exactly the same
way with a newborn and toddler. Now the kids are older, I actually enjoy it a little more when my OH goes out for a drink as I get to relax on my own when the kids go to bed.

It is hard though, especially when I was looking forward to a some moments of relief just to have it ‘taken away’ when he changed plans. It does get easier my luv xx

I don't understand why he arrives home at 8 every night when he could be there at 6? Is he dodging the evening with the children until you've done all the work and have them in bed?

Working late when he doesn't have to is Baby Avoidance 101.

He has a reason to be there, but he also has a reason to be home. Talk to him about a class/gym/something that requires him at home on time once in a while.

THIS. You’ve summed it up perfectly.

He needs to leave work promptly at least once a week (and frankly even this is taking the piss) on a regular night so you can go and do something on your own.
Does he even see his children in the evenings?
Then he can have one evening where he has a "quick drink" (probably been there since 5) but he has to let you know better this start cooking.
Does he ever cook during the week?

Because being with a newborn and toddler is bloody hard work, the OP gets no respite. Her DH having a social life isn’t really fair at this stage.

Once or twice a year for say a longstanding colleague leaving would be reasonable. Not once a fortnight.

Your DH needs to learn to say no to such requests, not be harassed or even worse bullied into going.

With a toddler and a baby this is unreasonable behaviour unless it's returned in kind - e.g. he comes and does the bed dinner bath while you go out for some head space.

Every so often wouldn't bother me, but regularly it would drive me nuts.

Ask him not to play it down and just tell you he's going out that night. Also as the baby gets a little older, benchmark the same number of evenings that he's home bang on time so YOU get to go out with friends.

I agree when the kids are older, but with a newborn you're exhausted and you're hanging in there until you can hand off at least the toddler. Nights out need to be agreed in advance, not sprung on people

You have got to stop excusing him from any parenting. Going for a haircut? Leave baby with him. Don’t call your parents to help or take baby with you, establish some expectation that he’s a parent and he will have to do parenting. Take a long walk followed by coffee this weekend and leave baby with him.

Personally it wouldn't bother me, but dp and I are both sociable and it's not unusual for us to make last minute plans with friends, but we are equally laid back with each other and we are very chilled with meals and timings and happy to plate and reheat or cook our own if needs be.

Is the issue the drink or is it fomo because you don't feel you get the same opportunity? If its the latter think about what you need. Can he come home on time guaranteed 1 day a week and take over so you can have some me time and a night off from domestics? Could your mum babysit so you can have a night out together or can you book childcare a morning a week to give yourself some you time?

Have you spoken to him.about it? I feel like there could be some compromises made to ease the friction if you can have a calm discussion

@mamajong how many last minute social plans were you making when you had a newborn?

Why are you waiting until 9pm to eat?

I say this gently OP, life doesnt revolve around your DH.

So many women fall into the trap, especially on maternity leave, that they do childcare and the weekend is "family time". It's not. It's time that you have a built in babysitter and need to keep your life going. For your sake, your husbands and your babies. You aren't dumping them on him. You're giving them precious time together and preventing the problem of him becoming ine of those useless men that "'can't cope" with their own kids.

I know how long the days feel, I've been there. But you do need to prioritise balance. The imbalance is already starting because he doesn't realise how much of a lofelife it is sometimes to have another adult come home when you've been juggling all day, but how can he if he never does it?

This isn't on when you have two children under 3. Those saying they wouldn't like having to go home to a set time, did that include when you had a NB and toddler at home?
There's reports again about loneliness and poor MH in men as they age. As we age going out drinking and the ability to drink decreases. We need investment in family life and our children, men don't put the same effort in and aren't expected to (there'd be no way that a Mum would have been told it's ok to be out like this). When the children were planned did you agree to do it all with him occasionally available at the weekend? We've all worked with men who have hung round after finishing, or started a new hobby when they have a NB.

The bit that would really piss me off is him hanging around at work every day after his official finish time.

What would happen if you said ‘sorry it’s a no tonight dh, I really need a break and some help’ ?

Because DH works such long hours during the week I haven’t really tried to arrange anything for myself

He doesn’t though, does he? If I understand correctly he works till 5pm then chooses to hang around at work every night till 7pm.

No free time for yourself, that’s on you.

This weekend get up and announce you’re off out for a couple of hours. Go for a coffee, wander round the shops, go for a swim, whatever.

And then in a couple of weeks time do the same again, meet some friends, for for lunch or a drink.

Stop taking the baby to the hairdressers and arranging for your parents to look after the other child while you go to the hairdressers. That’s what their dad is for.

Plenty! I'm a sociable person and have a very laid back approach to parenting, I had a weekend away with the girls when dd was a month old, I took her with me and we looked after her as a group while DP stayed at home with the other kids. I'm not suggesting everyone should have an active social life, just that the OP needs to be clear on what she needs, whatever that is, and work with her partner on how they can both have their needs met. Yes, she could just say no I want you to come home but imo this could cause resentment vs saying it's fine that you need 'x' but actually I need 'y' so can we work together so I can also get my downtime.

Just my opinion, respect that everyone does things differently

Sorry it's completely out of order of him to hang around at work (sounds like every day) when he doesn't have to. When a person has tiny children, they, and their partner, are the priority. I'd take a very dim view of a colleague who behaved like your partner is.

Going out for drinks with colleagues once a month at this stage is reasonable. Every two weeks, PLUS staying late at work all the time, is massively unreasonable.