DH ‘quick drink’ after work

[Conversat1onswithfriends]

Would this annoy you? DH goes for a ‘quick drink’ after work meaning he doesn’t get home until gone 9pm. We have a newborn and a toddler and the days at home are so long I’m not sure if this is making me irrationally angry when I see his text! It’s once every couple of weeks but really messes up dinner plans etc too.

It was the lack of notice that really pissed me off with exh too. The nights when you’d be counting the minutes and then “oh just gone for a quick drink” would pop up after the time I was expecting him had passed - or he wouldn’t contact at all.

It’s the idea that the other person is completly free to just “pop” for a drink at will , whilst yours are tied unless plans are made and bargains struck etc well in advance. The default parent.

How many hours does he work ? Is he out of the house for 12 hours ,? Sounds like he needs a break every few weeks .Can you arrange to go out with friends every few weeks or get a babysitter and go out together.

True because unless you live in the centre of a town they’ll be wanting lifts

It's fine!

Have people forgotten what it’s like to have a toddler and a newborn?!? There are days when you are hanging on to be able to hand the kids over and catch your breath, so a text saying they are going to be late is soul destroying!

I think what most people are missing is that he's hanging around at work, way past finishing time, every day. THAT'S the issue, not going for a drink every couple of weeks. Very few of the men with a v young family that I've worked with would do this.

Why?
why not just say I’m off out now in a Saturday day?

I do what your DH does, I work similar hours and need to go for drinks every few weeks (which I hate but never mind!)

The difference is my DH does the same too and we coordinate schedules to ensure our days in the office (and therefore drinks) don't clash and we pick up the slack at home for eachother.

Sounds like you're getting a bum deal here.

I had 2 young children and worked but would not begrudge my husband going out every few weeks with friends.Sounds controlling if op hates this .Having young kids is tough and can be depressing at times and lonely.Maybe op can join mother and baby groups or soft play etc.

With a newborn and toddler he should be rushing back to help you and only going out for special events, not random impromptu drinks - those are for young people/ colleagues without young kids. It's not like the newborn phase lasts forever, I'm sure he can forgo random drinks with colleagues for 6 months until bedtime gets a bit easier.

100% agree with everyone that he needs to look after both kids on his own at least once a week to give you some proper downtime - meet a friend for coffee/go to the gym or swimming pool, go shopping. Honestly, you need this for your mental health.

Life doesn't stop when we have children when I wanted to go out I did and just made it happen

From reading the OP's updates it seems that for whatever reason her DH is finishing work at around 5pm but 'hanging around' at work until 7pm every night.

And again for whatever reason (please come back and clarify OP) she's not getting any time for herself, taking the baby to hair appointments, etc.

It's quite odd.

I had 2 young children and worked but would not begrudge my husband going out every few weeks with friends.Sounds controlling if op hates this .Having young kids is tough and can be depressing at times and lonely.Maybe op can join mother and baby groups or soft play etc.

Of course she could go to baby groups etc but when does she get HER down/alone time!!!
Jeez, I think I live in a different world to some of you people. Thankfully!

As usual on MN, you’re getting a lot of ‘this isn’t a deal’ (but thankfully some more balanced opinions too). What I always think responders fail to grasp is that it’s not the drinks, the socialising or the odd evening twice a month at the pub, it’s the resentment that builds when men who are out at work take the freedom and liberty to simply do exactly what they want to do when they want to do it, while your freedom and liberty has shrunk to a pin-head, if not disappeared altogether. And if you do get any downtime, even if it’s as frequent, has to happen with forward planning and ensuring the kids are taken care of. Having those bounds, while your DH simply announces he is not coming home as expected as and when he pleases, not having a care in the world, while also not acknowledging, caring or noticing that his wife and mother of his children is never afforded the same luxury, is maddening.

It’s not the pub drink. It’s not that a pub drink is ‘the end of the world’. It’s everything about it that signals the luxury of simply being able to do it.

Surely that's something she arranges via a conversation with her husband.

Yea why is he hanging around at work long after his finish time, to wait to go for drinks?
He's with his colleagues all day. He has a partner and babies at home. They should be his priority.

The point is he’s not arranging it with her! He’s just doing it and telling her after.

No, the point I was responding to was this:

when does she get HER down/alone time!!!

I said it's something she arranges with her husband.

The OP has a few issues that needs addressing. First, her husband hanging around after work instead of coming straight home, second, not letting her know he'll be late and third, lack of time for herself. They obviously need to have a conversation.

He's home an hour later than usual once every couple of weeks? That doesn't sound too bad to be honest. What are you making for dinner that can't be plated up and bunged in the microwave when he gets home? As to having time for yourself, it's difficult with a newborn but in a couple of months you should be able to leave both children with him for a few hours and go out to meet a friend for drinks or dinner!

It is an hour. He finishes work at 7pm, has his drink and then commutes at 8pm arriving home at 9pm.

Leave him.

He technically can finish about 5pm and he starts around 8am, but then he does work a bit late which I understand, then presumably if colleagues are going for a drink he has to wait for them to finish what they’re doing. So it is quite a long day with the babies. We go to plenty of groups etc but they don’t take away from the difficulty of bedtime etc and actually I find them quite hard work! Because DH works such long hours during the week I haven’t really tried to arrange anything for myself but perhaps could do at the weekend.

He's being a bit mean, you need to have a chat x

He officially finishes much earlier than 7.

OP, where I've worked he'd be getting comments from the other men along the lines of "don't you want to go home?" and "why are you hanging around, don't you have a home to go to?"

If he can finish at 5pm why on earth is he hanging around waiting for others to finish when he's got babies at home??

My DH officially works 8-4 but he can work through all or part of his lunch if he wants to and finish earlier. 4pm is the very latest he's got home since he went back after Paternity leave (granted he only has a 10 minute commute).

After being up since 6am attending to the every whim of just one newborn I'm watching the clock by 3.50pm so I can just sit and have a cuppa with both of my arms to myself, I'd be climbing the walls by 8pm!!