DH ‘quick drink’ after work

[Conversat1onswithfriends]

Would this annoy you? DH goes for a ‘quick drink’ after work meaning he doesn’t get home until gone 9pm. We have a newborn and a toddler and the days at home are so long I’m not sure if this is making me irrationally angry when I see his text! It’s once every couple of weeks but really messes up dinner plans etc too.

A night out arranged with a bit of notice and actually calling it what is, shouldn’t be an issue for either of you to do every 2-3 weeks. But only telling you on the day of and saying it’s a quick drink, which by anyone’s standards means an hour tops, when it’s clearly anything but is shitty. I’d be annoyed too. Have you thought about booking a Saturday PM hair appointment, then texting him saying you’ve just run into a friend and are going for a ‘quick drink’ but then stay out for hours and leave him to do bedtime? Might help him see it from your point of view.

In which case YABVU.

If he doesn't finish until 7pm and has an hour commute then that's literally an hour in the pub! And once every couple of weeks too - I thought you were going to say this was daily!!

Just plan the meal without him and he can eat when he gets back.

Time for him to start looking after his kids on a regular basis. Say you are going for a 'quick drink' around the time he is starting to expect you to come back.

@TheSerenePinkOrca he does actually officially finish much earlier than this but will hang around waiting for other people to finish as well (it’s an office type job and I do get the dynamic). I used to do the same pre-babies!

She hasn't said he refuses to allow her out unless it's to the supermarket.

Tbh there hasn’t seemed a lot of point planning something for the evening when DH is usually not home until 8 ish. At that time I want to go to bed as well!

On every couple of weeks seems fine to me
And you could see a friend another night.

Yes, it would enrage me if he had not let me know well in advance so I could make plans but once every couple of weeks is reasonable.

When my DCs were that age the days were indeed long and I looked forward to DH's company, hearing about his day, eating dinner together, sharing a few boring details of mine (went to the park ...) and even some help with our DC.

and my DH was keen to come home and enjoy his LOs. but he did go out most Friday evenings after dinner for his hobby followed by a pub session.

This is the bit you need to change OP. DH should look after the DC on his own without needing to rope in your parents.

Oh missed this so it literally is a quick drink then! If he finishes at 7, then commutes an hour. Tbh if he’s not home until 8 I’d probably adjust meal plans, eat with the kids and save him a portion to reheat. And start getting out yourself, a trip to the supermarket really shouldn’t be the extent of your social life!!

When you go to the supermarket go for a nice coffee, chill in the carpark with the radio etc. Getting your hair done etc he takes care of his children.

With regards food, he either has what is there or sorts himself out. The food isn't going to go rotten if he is an hour late. It may not taste great reheated, or the texture may be funny but it is not going to make him ill.

Fuck that. Hell no should he be going anywhere when he has a family waiting at home.

Would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Why are you taking the baby to the hairdressers and getting your parents to mind your other child if your DH is available to do it?

I would just stop cooking dinner for him until he can bother telling you in advance when he won’t be home. I would also go out without warning at the weekend.

How much parenting does he do?

I would be fine with this every couple of weeks, he should let you know early on in the day though. It is just a quick drink if he isn’t usually home until 8pm.

It would be better for him to finish at his actual finish time surely, as by 8pm you’ll be putting/ have the children in bed anyway.

If he’s usually back at 8ish and is back at 9 having gone for drinks then I don’t think it’s that bad every few weeks.
However having a newborn and toddler is hard work and it’s reasonable to tell him he needs to give you notice and can’t tell you late afternoon and go out that night.

Sorry I'd be more concerned with him "hanging around" every evening when he doesn't actually need to, when he's got a young family at home.

If he got that sorted, the drink every couple of weeks wouldn't be so much of an issue.

OP,
A couple of hours once every 2/3 weeks really isn’t a huge deal. You can cope with dinner plans if he isn’t there for tea. He can get his own, put the leftovers in the fridge.
However, if you would like fair warning-ask him to text you at lunch time to let you know if he’s going. If he forgets to do it….then text him every lunch time for 3 weeks until he gets it.

No one is going to give you the time to look after yourself, so you have to take it. So make sure he has the kids for a few hours every couple of weeks….and do what the hell you want

@SwordToFlamethrower Hell no should he be going anywhere when he has a family waiting at home.

What?? It’s not healthy for people to have nothing in their life except their children and paid work.
Men and women with kids are allowed to have friends and hobbies, provided there is consideration and a fair split of workload at home.

I really need to know what meal cannot keep for a few hours or be reheated.

Once every 2 to 3 weeks is OK but you need to get him to look after the kids more while you go out too.

Well yeah, that's the problem too. I also couldn't imagine living that life. But she's not asked about that - she has drip fed that this is probably the real problem (rather than her dh getting a few hours time.out every now and then) but it wasn't what she originally asked
Yes my mind is blown that she lives that life. I'm sure many women do. Doesn't make it ok and I can't imagine it. This is clearly the real problem that she was indirectly posting about

He should be finishing on time most days and making sure he gets home as soon as safely possible, any drinks after work need to be prearranged or organised and inform you befor lunch time.

He is being selfish, it's all hands on deck when you have a toddler and baby at home.

I used to tell my husband that when he volunteered to cover someone at work he was automatically signing me up for childcare that I wasn't necessarily ok with and that anything that took him out of the house longer than standard needed to be pre arranged with me before he committed.

He is acting like you don't have young children, he doesn't get to do that now, not in the same way.

I think even the most fragile of meals would keep fine for 1 hour!

Trouble is a lot of these after work drinks are spontaneously arranged. If he's generally helpful and a good guy I wouldn't kick off too much.

Souffle?