Furious with DD's swimwear

[FFSTeenagers]

Someone talk me down please!

On holiday with elderly parents and elderly in-laws - wonderful people. 15 yr old DD has emerged from her room to go to the pool in 5he smallest of bikinis. I can almost see her vagina.

I feel fucking ancient saying this. I hate myself for even feeling like this but she has zero modesty.

I bought her 3 bikinis (together - we went together) from Roxy and Next - lovely ones. Not one has arrived and instead she has bought, without my knowledge, 4 from shein that are not for her curvy build. Barely any material and I'm really embarrassed.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly and she's claiming that I'm hardly a feminist as 'she should be able to wear what she likes as it's her body'. She's not bloody wrong but what the hell happened to my daughter's modesty.

My parents and in-laws are sensing the atmosphere already and we only arrived an hour ago.

AIBU?

OP it sounds like you probably didn't approach this in a very nice way - if you'd have explained it might make her grandparents feel uncomfortable then maybe she would have listened to you.

No, not each to their own, I don't want to be punched in a pub or see a 15 year old wearing pornified clothing.

I've got Adidas bikinis in various colours which are much easier to swim in than a one piece, as swimsuits are always short in the body for me and practically cut me in half. Not exactly modest, but neither are they "look at me". Plus a one piece is far too hot when it's more than 25C.

I agree these bikinis are not appropriate for children.
I was at the beach not long ago and there was two girls (around 13 - just starting to develop) wearing these bikinis playing by the edge of the water - throwing each other into the sea etc - a man (probably in his 50's) came along and started filming them!! He looked like "the cat who got the cream" when he saw them.
He kept on moving his phone to film out to sea, (so not to be soo obvious I suppose) then back to these poor girls.
Made me feel sick - but if I said anything he would obviously just deny it.
It was a busy beach so I doubt I was the only one who noticed him.

You can be a feminist and also recognise that we live in the real world. In the real world, women have to worry about what they wear, how they behave, because it can land us in actual, physical danger. That isn’t victim blaming. That’s called being a woman in a world where, just as one example, 1/3 of male university students admitted they would commit rape if they could be sure to get away with it (there are studies on this). Trying to prove a point by saying it’s fine for girls to wear whatever skimpy outfit they want, because it’s empowering, is extremely naive.

If there were nothing but women at the pool, that would be one thing. But we have to adjust our behaviour when there are men around. Is it fair? No, but it’s reality.

And I don't look like the model, I'm 48 and a size 12, though I do go to the gym and I'm not flabby.

Can I stick up for grandad here? He hasn’t said a thing to Op or the child.
Op thinks it’s inappropriate for her to be wearing it on a family holiday in front of elderly grandparents.
Only after DD has been spoken to by Op and she’s gone off to her room he’s offered to stay away from pool perhaps to try and keep the peace.
Also assuming dad is there. All we know is There’s a 15 yr old, mum and elderly grandparents x 4.

Why on earth didn't you intervene?

Punched in a pub? What are you talking about 🤣

The sad thing is that some girls who won't conform to this current trend and won't wear this sort of thing, feel that they can't call themselves she or her because they don't fall into that version of "female".

Agree completely.

Teenagers need boundaries and she has crossed one, so I think it is fine to push back on that. 15 year olds still need guidance from parents. Otherwise they'll end up like many of the young women I saw at a graduation ceremony recently who were wearing - in my view- totally inappropriate dresses under their graduation gowns. Breasts practically popping out, dresses split beyond thigh high. They weren't all like that by any means, but a good number were and if it was my daughter, I'd have been mortified.

DDs are much safer around the pool in a bikini on holiday with us than they are surrounded by teenage boys wearing school uniform at school, or indeed travelling to school or university on their own. Your comment is crazy.

The onus is on you to prove that this isn't harmful to others.

My grandmother’s 82 year old boyfriend overpowered me when I was 16. I went ballistic when he tried to kiss me and he let go because of my reaction. As he wasn’t nimble, he wouldn’t have been able to rape me but he bear hugged me around my arms and I couldn’t get him off. This man was clearly a seasoned sex offender. Here’s a recent survey from Australia. Men don’t stop being paedophiles or hebephiles when they reach a certain age.

https://theconversation.com/a-survey-found-1-in-6-men-admit-sexual-feelings-for-children-so-is-paedophilia-increasing-218124

To add I went away with friends at 17 and we all went topless. It was normal in the 80s and 90s. Obviously it didn’t occur to us that we’d be leered at. However, it was normal to go topless for women of many ages, unlike this micro bikini so societal expectations and values attributed to us going topless was different from a teen wearing said bikini.

When you have gone shopping with someone, spent money, and then what you have bought is not going to be worn, I think you are reasonable to be upset.

Oh dear how simply dreadful.🙄

You’ve missed the point entirely.

Being Shein they probably won’t last more than a few days of in and out of pool. Being sneaky I might even help the process along so you then just have to take her to buy new one.

What could I have done?
I was alone with my own child.. not near him or them (further back) but could see exactly what was going on - I doubt I was the only one.
Due to my own history I don't confront strange men.. I wish I could.

Being punched in the face is literally harmful by definition. Choosing to be offended by someone else’s choice of clothing which is absolutely none of your business is not even remotely comparable.

Nailed it. Skimpy, inappropriate clothing on teenagers is not feminism. Nor is shaming grandads because they shouldn't notice near nudity in their sightline. God I miss the eighties.

I agree that it's not necessarily more freeing to wear less clothing, but what can you do? We already have to cover up more than men on the beach because breasts are sexualised.

Could you provide a list of clothing which is "feminist suitable" to make sure neither I nor my daughters are kowtowing to the patriarchy or betraying the sisterhood?

No, that's not proof that porn culture isn't harming society. Try again.

@FFSTeenagers it's funny because I honestly feel if you wrote your son is walking around in a teeny weenie thong and his balls and todger are basically hanging out there would be a different reply.

I hope the rude replies haven't got to you, people seem very hostile these days. Enjoy your holiday and I hope you and your daughter manage to come to some agreement.