Husband’s secret life

[melodia7]

I went through DH’s phone the other day and found some messages with another woman where they had communicated for about 5 days straight.

I confronted him about it and firstly he got annoyed that I went through his phone again and that is why he never leaves it lying around because he says without fail if I see it I will try and find something to get upset about.

There wasn’t much to the messages. One day DH sent her a ‘wakey wakey’ message in the morning. Another day the lady expressed she had her divorce finalisation and DH said they should celebrate with a vegan wrap. He used some smiley faces but they were not usually reciprocated.

When I confronted DH, he said that they connected late last year when they were in the same company that was going through a tough time and a number of coworkers had left and they decided to brainstorm some side hustles as a backup plan. I remember him floating some of these ideas to me last year. DH has since left the company but their office is close by so they occasionally meet up (monthly). He said the vegan wrap is a takeaway place they go for lunch sometimes. He said he bumped into one of our mutual friends last time he was there. He said he mentioned celebrating the divorce closure with a wrap to try and lighten her mood, though I found it insensitive.

DH is the type who doesn’t have many guy friends and generally finds it easier to get close to females. He is quite a gentle person.

I am upset because I found these messages with a woman who I’ve never met or heard about. DH said he has previously casually invited the woman to our area so we can all meet since she has a child of the same age as ours, but it has never happened as they are quite far away. He also said he hasn’t really discussed her with me because he didn’t find it particularly significant.

I feel like he has a whole secret life when he goes to work that I know nothing about.

AIBU?

The only person crossing the boundary here is the OP.

She has no right to check his phone behind his back.

The woman is clearly a work colleague as he's stated. There's zero reason to mention her - would he have to mention a male colleague he'd messaged or just female ones?

You need as much help as the OP.

It sounds like you continually accuse him of cheating.

If you're going to constantly accuse him then you'll drive him to it.

But guessing that's what your aim is.

so it wasn’t just ´wakey wakey’ nor first thing. There is real context to everything. So can you answer the question what he has done previously to warrant your behaviour, because with what you said, it sounds like you’re the problem.

ps some crazy people on this thread. You know your husband better than everyone. It’s up to you

Why did you feel the need to check his messages “again”?

Unless there is some major backstory here it sounds very much like you have a trust issue and unless a “vegan wrap” is a funky new euphemism you do seem to be trying to get upset about something relatively innocuous.

I think that you might want/need to give your husband some space and freedom, I’d find you suffocating.
Why did you check his phone? What was the reason for you doing this?

Usually the one doi'g the accusing is the one doing the cheating your over reaction sounds like guilty conscience peaking through can he go through your phone at random I wonder

I agree. There’s something intimate about this and I wouldn’t like it either. For the record, I’m not a jealous or suspicious person at all. Something may not have happened but it may do in the future. I’d personally keep my wits about me. Really sorry to have to say that

Thing is, it was at 8:52am. More the sort of thing you'd send a friend who works from home as part of a joke about them only getting up just in time for work than anything intimate.

I've done this myself, and had a few people say the same to me. If that's evidence of an affair for anyone, they must live their life on their nerves about every tiny thing. Not a happy way to be.

Maybe its just me but these messages sound flirty. If you asked him to see his phone would he let you? Would you let him look at your phone? I struggle to trust after years of being cheated on and lied to so maybe I'm not the best for the advice on this subject but these messages would piss me off.
If he's given you reason to not trust him I think you're within your rights to be annoyed but if someone else in a previous relationship made you not trust men and now you're taking out on him then you are being unreasonable.

This! While the rest might have been ok thinking of someone first thing in the morning and messaging “wakey wakey” is very suspicious to me, I’d say he was putting feelers out personally.

@EF2021 is 8.52 really first thing in the morning? What luxury.

You sound very controlling , why go through your husbands phone? And not for the 1st time. This sounds nothing more than a message to a mate. The fact he doesn't tell you, is because of your predicated reaction. Like he said you will always find something to get upset about.

I went through DH’s phone the other day and found some messages with another woman where they had communicated for about 5 days straight.

You say this like your breaching of boundaries and invasion of privacy is the most natural thing in the world and needs no explanation.

Do you open his mail too? Have you installed a covert tracker in his car?

Depressingly, it really is business-as-usual for a large number of people on here. Most of the time, when this comes up and somebody raises the right to privacy, there's an influx of folk saying, "I do it all the time, if my husband has nothing to hide then he won't have a problem with it".

Even they're not in this thread, though, because it's the very epitome of "If you go looking, you'll be able to find something you can twist into convincing yourself of infidelity".

I'm not sure which part of 'invasion of privacy' is so hard to grasp. My phone is full of intensely personal information. It contains conversations between friends and family , some of which are not for anyone's eyes but myself and the recipient. There are photos, videos and diary entries that are mine and mine only. It is in essence an electronic diary. If my husband took it upon himself to break into my phone and snoop through it I would divorce him. Without question and without a second chance.

If I believed my husband was cheating I would ASK him to show me his phone and end my relationship if he refused or obsfucated .

There is NO excuse for snooping. NONE . MN is peculiar in that it seeks to justify the unjustifiable.

But if you don't want anyone to see your phone, what would you do if he asked to see yours?

I met my current partner (been together 11 years) through work. We were just friends who talked occasionally outside work. We had similar interests in music etc. My partner at that time was a really jealous A-hole and would search my phone. He found a message from current partner, nothing suggestive, just friendly normal message. He threw the phone at my head. Fast forward 6 months and I was with the friend! Not because there was anything going on but after I finally got the courage to leave my boyfriend, I decided I needed someone the opposite of him and my friend was more like me! I suppose my point is, there may be nothing going on at all but if you suggest there is it might ruin things between you. It might be totally innocent! I'm one of those women girlfriends hate because I genuinely just get on with men. I find women difficult to speak to unless it's the few female friends that I have!
However!! His comment about suspicion is odd unless there is context to that, for example, you having previously got suspicious and the 'wakey wakey' text is odd to me unless they had a meeting that morning or she had said at lunch the day before that she had an early rise the next day she was scared she would sleep in for? I'm old fashioned I suppose in that I'm not suspicious unless my partner replaces his comfy ugly underwear 😅😆

Usually tje person doing tje acvusing is the one doing the cheating just my experience on things znd it does sound like younare possessive and looking for problems where there aren't any maybe to justify your ow' actions i dont know

After what time in the morning is he allowed to think about his friend?

I think it depends on your relationship dynamic. We tend to chat about all our friends and tell each other our plans, just in general day to day conversation really. So if dp had been messaging and meeting a woman for lunch who he had never once mentioned to me at all, it would be out of character. So it would worry me.