Husband’s secret life

[melodia7]

I went through DH’s phone the other day and found some messages with another woman where they had communicated for about 5 days straight.

I confronted him about it and firstly he got annoyed that I went through his phone again and that is why he never leaves it lying around because he says without fail if I see it I will try and find something to get upset about.

There wasn’t much to the messages. One day DH sent her a ‘wakey wakey’ message in the morning. Another day the lady expressed she had her divorce finalisation and DH said they should celebrate with a vegan wrap. He used some smiley faces but they were not usually reciprocated.

When I confronted DH, he said that they connected late last year when they were in the same company that was going through a tough time and a number of coworkers had left and they decided to brainstorm some side hustles as a backup plan. I remember him floating some of these ideas to me last year. DH has since left the company but their office is close by so they occasionally meet up (monthly). He said the vegan wrap is a takeaway place they go for lunch sometimes. He said he bumped into one of our mutual friends last time he was there. He said he mentioned celebrating the divorce closure with a wrap to try and lighten her mood, though I found it insensitive.

DH is the type who doesn’t have many guy friends and generally finds it easier to get close to females. He is quite a gentle person.

I am upset because I found these messages with a woman who I’ve never met or heard about. DH said he has previously casually invited the woman to our area so we can all meet since she has a child of the same age as ours, but it has never happened as they are quite far away. He also said he hasn’t really discussed her with me because he didn’t find it particularly significant.

I feel like he has a whole secret life when he goes to work that I know nothing about.

AIBU?

This

its unbelievable (it’s not really though) that some posters have decided he’s having an affair based on some normal texts to a work friend

as for this constituting a “secret life”…

Based on what a pp said this must mean you’re having an affair. Any need for privacy means that. Or is that just men?

@Icantpaint Yeah, I don't think that poster is right at all, we should be entitled to privacy in a relationship- it doesn't mean I'm cheating on my husband, he doesn't look at my phone because he trusts me as I trust him - there's no need

The "wakey wakey" message to this woman - hmmmm. Would he be sending that to Gary from I.T... No he wouldn't, would he. This would concern me, and is what would be a possible red flag; that combined with your update OP where he has said to you, "if I have too much free time it will make me suspicious"... At the very least it would concern me that this is someone he is interested in, the question I suppose is given half the chance, is he likely to act on it beyond the flirty 'I've just woken up and I'm thinking of you' sort of message?

If his idea of a celebration is getting a Vegan wrap, I don't imagine he's the type to be having illicit affairs, to be honest.

It’s also the first port of call for anyone who is just really annoyed about repeatedly having their privacy violated.

I’m not having an affair but if my boyfriend went through my phone I’d be absolutely livid.

I wonder if she wasn't divorced the OP would be equally upset or this is just another case of a divorced, single mum not being allowed friends

Sounds like you have form for this sort of thing. Has he?

There's something to be said for people using the lock on their phones.

He could have. Because being a 'quiet sensitive' type who can seemingly only get close to women doesn't prevent a heterosexual man from being attracted to his women friends, or from trying to use the friendship as a spring board to more. It just gives more opportunity and the ability to hide in plain sight.
It's impossible to say if this is innocent, if your H is trying to develop something with this woman or he's genuinely friendly. We don't know the man or his intentions. Clearly the woman isn't encouraging him though so I'd say it's unlikely lines were crossed in reality, even if he wanted them to be.
Its always hard to tell from an ambiguous isolated incident whether the OP is being overly concerned or whether there is reason and she's picking up on it, as only you are living with it. But to answer your question, yes, people can be very different away from their partners than with them. People have secrets and people stray. It's really a matter of hoping that doesn't happen in your marriage.

A work friend who he texts first thing? I don’t think so.

I have male friends I'd text first thing. There is absolutely nothing going on beyond friendship.

If anyone went through my phone id be really pissed off with the invasion of privacy.

Agree.

OP, you should be apologising to him.

D

You need help. This is not normal, you are controlling and its very unhealthy.

Do you think only dashing, charming 007 types have affairs? Do you think it’s all glamour and fine dining?

Let me disabuse you of that. ‘Boring’, ordinary men have affairs too. Men who like board games, men who like alien films, men who have allotments, men who like bird watching, even men who like vegan wraps, all these are men who can have affairs. In fact ‘nice’, gentle men can be extremely successful in acquiring affair partners because they are genuinely nice and caring to women and that attracts women.

Even if my husband cheated nothing would ever make me go through his phone

And no I don't get this 'well if someone has nothing to hide'

It is controlling and abusive and the female card doing it does not excuse it

Nah. A grown man doesn't text a friend "wakey wakey" unless he can't stop thinking about her and needs to hear from her.

The vegan wrap thing is significant because it is a reference to the thing they do together "our thing".

They probably aren't having an affair but he's into her for sure.

I’m going against the grain too. ‘Wakey wakey’ is not your average text message to a work colleague.

Sounds like he’s ‘fishing’. My ex husband was the same before he found a woman to have an affair with, he craved validation and ego kibbles. He did this and I was absolutely ok with him having these ‘friends’. I didn’t think anything of it. TBH found myself pleased that he was always creating lovely friendships with (always) attractive colleagues but he loved me. I was wrong.

And yep, the vegan wrap thing is a ‘I’m so on your level and get what you need right now’ they don’t jump straight to dinner out.

I wouldn’t be ok with it.

I think to call him having contact with people you don't know at work a "secret life" is insanely OTT. I have all kinds of people in my life at work who DH does not know about or only in a very vague way, and the same for him. Bloody hell, if I had to talk him through every interaction and every person, it would take almost as much time as my actual work day.

I hear about the "big" things - the guy who just suddenly stopped coming to work and rumour has it his wife found out he'd been having an affair. The person who needs extra cover because they had to have emergency surgery. the one who drives everyone else mad because she's so unreliable. I don't know a thing about Katie the receptionist who DH grabs a coffee with or Matt the deputy manager who DH is involved in a 5 week discussion about music with (for example).

Also, there is a suggestion you have been paranoid before. Is this becuase he previously cheated and the trust is gone? or is his trst in you gone because of batshit behaviour?

You need help. This is not normal, you are controlling and it's very unhealthy.

Oh stop it.

If you read MN you'll see a poster who has gone through their partners phone and found an affair/ pics/whatever probably every single day.

Something feels off, senses alerted and quite frankly that is what people do. Good Luck to all the people who would never do it or have never felt the need.

Whether what you read means something more is at this stage up for grabs.

" wales, wakey" first thing is quite personal. And do you think it's odd your OH hasn't talked about this woman to
you?

And YES people do have emotional affairs which can be as brutal as other types.

Frankly you don't really know enough to say whether this is " a secret life/emotional affair" or just a friend. Which in many circumstances would be totally fine too.

These messages sound harmless. Did you not think he ate food or spoke to anyone while at work? It hardly seems to constitute a secret life.

Even if my husband cheated nothing would ever make me go through his phone

What EVEN if your OH was CHEATING ON YOU.

So having actual SEX with another woman and you'd still not look at his poxy phone.

Yep.

I wouldn’t love this and don’t ever see the need for either DH or I to have friends that the other has never heard of - any new friend would come up in convo in passing….

However, the thread title “husbands secret life” is extremely dramatic for this so I wonder if perhaps there is more to this and you need to work out if you trust him. If you have no reason not to, you spiralling in this way is stifling and will make him avoidant.

It sounds like a work mate? I have work friends who are male. I assume their wives aren't bothered if we're exchanging in jokes etc (the vegan wrap is clearly this sort of thing). I assume my husband isn't bothered either

some of these responses are so weird. I know what I’d think if one of my male colleagues had sent me a ‘wakey wakey’ text, (even my close male friends wouldn’t send me something like this). I’d feel like he’d crossed a massive boundary and get the ick.