Husband’s secret life

[melodia7]

I went through DH’s phone the other day and found some messages with another woman where they had communicated for about 5 days straight.

I confronted him about it and firstly he got annoyed that I went through his phone again and that is why he never leaves it lying around because he says without fail if I see it I will try and find something to get upset about.

There wasn’t much to the messages. One day DH sent her a ‘wakey wakey’ message in the morning. Another day the lady expressed she had her divorce finalisation and DH said they should celebrate with a vegan wrap. He used some smiley faces but they were not usually reciprocated.

When I confronted DH, he said that they connected late last year when they were in the same company that was going through a tough time and a number of coworkers had left and they decided to brainstorm some side hustles as a backup plan. I remember him floating some of these ideas to me last year. DH has since left the company but their office is close by so they occasionally meet up (monthly). He said the vegan wrap is a takeaway place they go for lunch sometimes. He said he bumped into one of our mutual friends last time he was there. He said he mentioned celebrating the divorce closure with a wrap to try and lighten her mood, though I found it insensitive.

DH is the type who doesn’t have many guy friends and generally finds it easier to get close to females. He is quite a gentle person.

I am upset because I found these messages with a woman who I’ve never met or heard about. DH said he has previously casually invited the woman to our area so we can all meet since she has a child of the same age as ours, but it has never happened as they are quite far away. He also said he hasn’t really discussed her with me because he didn’t find it particularly significant.

I feel like he has a whole secret life when he goes to work that I know nothing about.

AIBU?

That's bs whoever says it.

He's not wrong, though, is he?

To be honest I never get the point of these threads - if he is looking to start an affair, there's not anything you can do to stop it whilst remaining a sane and rational human being. So either trust, or leave the relationship.

I wouldn't go through my DH's phone, and I certainly wouldn't lower myself to trying to stop him interacting with other women in case it transforms into an affair. If there's issues with our relationship, I'd focus on just those rather than making them about someone else - e.g. "I feel we don't spend enough time together"/"how do you feel about our relationship, I feel there's been more distance between us lately" etc.

People generally don't cheat if they're in happy relationships - so if you fix the cracks then the cheating issue is also resolved. And if they cheat anyway, then the relationship didn't have legs to begin with.

I would complain if my DH looked through my phone but I am not cheating on him or even thinking about cheating. There is nothing on my phone that is problematic for him to see. I still like my privacy. It is important for most people to have some privacy.

Let's just think about the direct implications of this whole "married men are not allowed to be friends with women" thing.

"Women, you are not allowed to be friends with married men, under any circumstances. You may speak to them at work, as long as you keep it strictly business, but no more than that unless there is a chaperone present."

Doesn't sound very good, does it?

Of course married men can be friends with women.

It's when it tips.

What time was the 'wakey wakey' message sent at? Was it first thing in the morning or later on in the day? It sounds to me like a jokey message he might have sent if he saw her looking sleepy or bored during a teams meeting or something.

Yeah, complete red flag for me.

@Blondiebeachbabe

If his idea of a celebration is getting a Vegan wrap, I don't imagine he's the type to be having illicit affairs, to be honest.

Agree with this - I can't see anything to worry about. I think a secret life is more like going to see a prostitute, having a second family, dodgy porn addiction, gambling etc

Kindly, would you feel the same way if this was a male work colleague? I am just thinking I don’t tell my DH everytime I walk to a shop to buy lunch with a male/ female colleague. Or everytime there is just me and 1 other male colleague in the office.

I agree with @BobVanceVanceRefridgeration I have many whatsapp messages from men/ women at work - with emoji’s/ gifs etc I have never shared these but happy for them to be read.

OP is there something else that’s worrying you? or have you any reasons to feel worried.

How often does he do spot checks on your phone OP?

Perhaps "vegan wrap" is a metaphor for planet friendly birth control

Oh, the MN hypocrisy! A few weeks ago another thread had a woman screeching about her husband seeing messages on her phone that led him the mistrust her and apparently he wasn't wrong. However the reaction was that he had been wrong to look at her phone. Make your minds up ladies.

I wouldn't say there's any evidence of an affair. If I were you I'd ask him to invite her round for dinner. If she doesn't seem keen to meet you then that would make me feel a bit suspicious.
If I had a male work friend, I'd be delighted to be able to also befriend their wife. If I had a crush on them or was looking for more, then I wouldn't. So I think you should see what happens there...

Oi! DH and I bonded at a board game club, he's endlessly fascinating, and sexual dynamite, I'll have you know 😉

If my partner checked my phone and didn’t trust me I probably would be careful what I told them too. There is more to this I guess. Sounds like a work friend. But he stopped at saying so I’m meeting x for lunch - because she’s female I guess??

He's trying to be a decent human being op and support a work colleague going through a divorce. I'd be proud of my dh if he did that, for a male or female. Why are you going through his phone like that it the first place?

You’re the only one who knows your husband, it could be innocent, it might be not.
I work with a guy who travels a lot for work. He rings me with reports, to ask for info etc. and it can turn into half an hour chatting on the phone. If he’s in my area we might go for lunch, and he sends me a Christmas present every year. I’m married and he’s happily married with two daughters. We chat about our families and work and there’s nothing more to it.

I do mention him to my husband and his wife knows all about me and our chats. That’s the only difference with your husband….he hasn’t told you about this, and he should have mentioned her.

Id certainly be pissed if he'd never mentioned this female friend to me.

I think you need to look at why you're instantly in a jealous spiral and feel the need to check up on your DH by going through his phone, because it sounds like it's a major issue.

Did you have someone cheat on you before or something? Where has it all come from?

Of course he isn't going to tell you about any human being he comes into contact with because he knows you'll lose your mind over it.

I do buy your post, but I think the pp was being humourous, made me smile.

😂😂

Maybe he just knows you well OP? Has he ever given you cause for suspicion, ie concrete proof he cheated etc? All this distrust would just be too exhausting for me.

I'm not sure that Oscar Wilde should be treated as an authority on relationships between men and women. 🧐

Why did she feel the need to tell him about her divorce being finalised? Why should he care a jot? I would be pissed off if I saw another woman had messaged my DH this. It's too personal. So now he has a lady friend you knew nothing about who has just become "free" and she is desperate to make him aware of that fact. Oh good. I'd be tempted to message her back and tell her to stuff her divorce paperwork up her ass but I'm probably a bit more assertive (and possessive) than most.