Husband’s secret life

[melodia7]

I went through DH’s phone the other day and found some messages with another woman where they had communicated for about 5 days straight.

I confronted him about it and firstly he got annoyed that I went through his phone again and that is why he never leaves it lying around because he says without fail if I see it I will try and find something to get upset about.

There wasn’t much to the messages. One day DH sent her a ‘wakey wakey’ message in the morning. Another day the lady expressed she had her divorce finalisation and DH said they should celebrate with a vegan wrap. He used some smiley faces but they were not usually reciprocated.

When I confronted DH, he said that they connected late last year when they were in the same company that was going through a tough time and a number of coworkers had left and they decided to brainstorm some side hustles as a backup plan. I remember him floating some of these ideas to me last year. DH has since left the company but their office is close by so they occasionally meet up (monthly). He said the vegan wrap is a takeaway place they go for lunch sometimes. He said he bumped into one of our mutual friends last time he was there. He said he mentioned celebrating the divorce closure with a wrap to try and lighten her mood, though I found it insensitive.

DH is the type who doesn’t have many guy friends and generally finds it easier to get close to females. He is quite a gentle person.

I am upset because I found these messages with a woman who I’ve never met or heard about. DH said he has previously casually invited the woman to our area so we can all meet since she has a child of the same age as ours, but it has never happened as they are quite far away. He also said he hasn’t really discussed her with me because he didn’t find it particularly significant.

I feel like he has a whole secret life when he goes to work that I know nothing about.

AIBU?

I agree. A female work friend, fine. A 'wakey wakey' message? I've never had that with someone with whom I was totally mutually platonic.

And even if it is innocent, clearly all is not well in this relationship for some reason.

Yeah I also struggled with that (the first time I realised my pre school aged son had a "secret" life at nursery where he talked to other people, and was not just an extension of myself any more.) But I got over it pretty quickly when I realised he's his own person.
It's normal for some people to struggle to let go, but please try, for the sake of your relationship and your sanity!

Unless "vegan wrap" is a euphemism for condom I don't see what the issue is. People are allowed to have friends their partner doesn't know about. People are allowed to communicate with friends without reporting every conversation to their partner. You sound extremely insecure.

I don’t feel this friendship is “off”, unlike with most “DP has female friend I didn’t know about” threads I have read on here, but I concede there’s a non-zero chance there’s something going on. If he hasn’t given any other reason for you to not trust him, I would let it drop, though.
Celebrating another person’s divorce doesn’t necessarily mean anything - maybe her ex was an arse and your DH recognised that she would be well rid.

Do you think vegan wrap is code for a quick shag?

More info needed OP - has he cheated in the past? Have you been cheated on by someone else in the past? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. The only bit that does raise my suspicions is the wakey wakey message. That's a level of contact and intimacy I'd feel uncomfortable with.

Absolutely. A wife looking at a husband’s phone is concrete evidence of cheating, no matter what is found. (Obviously not the other way around).

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth…

Vegan Wrap - a joint? A condom (really stretching it here - no pun intended).

I don't love his responses but tbqh he sounds at the end of his rope. It sounds like you're constantly checking up on him, so if that's true, I can understand his "too much time" comment.

On perhaps the bigger issue - don't even think about giving up your job to look after the kids, not when your marriage is this shaky. Even if his texts are innocent, which they sound to me, the last of trust here isn't a strong foundation. Keep your income and don't become dependent on a man you think has a secret life, whether it's actually true or not.

It's also the first port of call for the innocent.

That's the thing about "The Script" - it guarantees guilt no matter what.

I think complaining about invasion of privacy is also the first port of call for somebody whose partner repeatedly goes through their phone.

Agree - the only part I find odd here is the 'wakey wakey' message which I wouldn't send to just a friend.

This is the least exciting secret life I’ve ever read about!

I’d never bore my husband with details of my day to day office life, I’m meeting someone for coffee today and then someone else for lunch. My Teams messages are a real mix of work and gossip and ranting and I’d find it incredibly intrusive if he read them.

Any more context on the 'wakey wakey'? did they have a conversation after it? Was it the morning after a late meeting at work, or a party or something?

Other than that, this sounds less like a secret life and just normal chat between friends/colleagues.

No this is absolutely out of line. Why is she telling him about her divorce? I don't think a married man should be going for lunch with another woman who is no longer even his co-worker. If I were you I wouldn't even mention her anymore (you don't want her having more value in his mind) and secretly block her number on his phone so he just stops getting messages from her but doesn't know why. 😂Protect your marriage at all costs. Also if a man is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do about it. It's him it's not you.

Vegan wrap reminds me of a running joke at my work about the sandwiches that are always left in the fridge that no one wants.... its always the vegan & GF ones!

The not significant would get me. Tell your dh that either he tells this other woman that he’s married or that you will. Get her contact details from his phone.

OP if it feels a bit off it is.

There are many on here that say they wouldn’t bat an eye but in real life most women would definitely side eye this.

I had a male friend who got in touch whilst I was going through my divorce. He was supportive but he was married and I felt he shouldn’t really be messaging me be messaging me as he had a wife and family.

There is something odd about women that go on ‘lunch dates’ with married men AND there is something odd about married men who go on lunch dates with single women.

She isn’t a long time friend from uni or school this is a ‘new friendship’ and yeah I think he is taking the piss. Sounds like he likes the attention and secrecy.

Yep. He was thinking about her first thing in the morning

Hmmm... I'm pretty laid back however I'm not sure I would be happy with DP sending another woman "wakey wakey"😐

I have plenty of male friends and colleagues who I text and speak to regularly but I don't text them first thing in the morning... To me that shows you're thinking about someone else as soon as you wake up...

Exactly. How often do you go through his phone?

That's what would piss me off.

If it was innocent then his wife would know about her. No need to cool wife it all.

Seen it too many times on here and elsewhere. Real friends are known about and not kept hidden. My partner knows about all of my friends, even male ones.

We aren't secretive and no I do not go on his phone. But if he ever asked me who I was messaging I'd tell him, not that he'd ask because he trusts me. But we don't hide people in our lives.

Yeah this. I have a good (male) work friend who I text regularly but our message stream is something like:

"Please can you get me a coke when you go to the shop"
"Still on the phone to X company - losing the will to live"
"Are you in the office today or wfh?"
"Be in late as I'm at the docs first thing"
"Have a great holiday and try not to miss work too much!"
"What do you think of the new starter???"
"Can I eat the cheese string that you've left in the fridge?"

There would be absolutely nothing to ever concern either of our partners because we're just workmates who get along. If I woke up in the morning and sent him a message straight away saying "wakey wakey", yes, my DP would be concerned. And rightly so. But it would never happen because I don't think about him when I wake up.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar W