Husband’s secret life

[melodia7]

I went through DH’s phone the other day and found some messages with another woman where they had communicated for about 5 days straight.

I confronted him about it and firstly he got annoyed that I went through his phone again and that is why he never leaves it lying around because he says without fail if I see it I will try and find something to get upset about.

There wasn’t much to the messages. One day DH sent her a ‘wakey wakey’ message in the morning. Another day the lady expressed she had her divorce finalisation and DH said they should celebrate with a vegan wrap. He used some smiley faces but they were not usually reciprocated.

When I confronted DH, he said that they connected late last year when they were in the same company that was going through a tough time and a number of coworkers had left and they decided to brainstorm some side hustles as a backup plan. I remember him floating some of these ideas to me last year. DH has since left the company but their office is close by so they occasionally meet up (monthly). He said the vegan wrap is a takeaway place they go for lunch sometimes. He said he bumped into one of our mutual friends last time he was there. He said he mentioned celebrating the divorce closure with a wrap to try and lighten her mood, though I found it insensitive.

DH is the type who doesn’t have many guy friends and generally finds it easier to get close to females. He is quite a gentle person.

I am upset because I found these messages with a woman who I’ve never met or heard about. DH said he has previously casually invited the woman to our area so we can all meet since she has a child of the same age as ours, but it has never happened as they are quite far away. He also said he hasn’t really discussed her with me because he didn’t find it particularly significant.

I feel like he has a whole secret life when he goes to work that I know nothing about.

AIBU?

I would also not like the "wakey wakey" message. That's also too familiar. Stamp on this now because I think he runs the risk of becoming interested

Presumably because they’re friends and it’s the sort of thing you mention to friends? Jeez.

@Namechange1892

Well she's the sort of "friend" he could do without. Clearly.

Are "assertive" and "possessive" synonyms for "demented" 😅

Gosh I'd lose all respect for my husband if he tried to "stamp on" a friendship I had with someone.

Does your husband send good morning messages to women? If so you’re ok with that?

I don't know and I wouldn't care, he has a number of close female friends (some of them even exes gasp). It wouldn't bother me.

I also have close male friends, some of whom I have sent good morning messages to - often when I know they're struggling and I'm checking in with them.

The point is, we trust each other.

Jesus christ, some of these responses are demented and you, OP, need to go to work more because clearly he was right and you have unreasonable suspicions. He has a seperate life without you at work - that is what going to work is. You are not going to know absolutely everyone he talks to at work, you are not going to know what he does every day, because he's at work and that is a seperate life to outside of the family home. There is absolutely nothing in those messages that mean either of them want to get their rocks off, infact, a vegan wrap is most likely the least sexiest thing he could have messaged her...

Bloody hell, you either trust the bloke or not, if not, get a divorce.
If you don't want to divorce, build a bridge and get over it.

Yep
that thread he checked and found something and he was in the wrong, abusive and she should leave

this one she checks and find nothing and he’s in the wrong, cheating, and she should leave

It was at 8:52am. Something like ‘wakey wakey. So tired wish I could wfh sometimes’ and she replied later ‘haha I was actually still in bed at that time’

I’m not aware of studies Mr Wilde was running to empirically prove his hypothesis. Just because he is famous, doesn’t make his opinion the absolute truth.

And you must inform your husband of every interaction, no matter how small…

I told my friends, male as well as female, when my divorce came through. I in no way shape or form wanted to sleep with any of them. Just because a marriage is all that defines you, doesn't mean that's the same for all women. Of course women tell their friends about massive life changing events. You sound a bit unhinged.

If you were my partner and you did that! You'd be out on your ass you batshit crazy control freak!

Although I'd hazard a guess I would never have chosen you as a partner in the first place.

Bottom line, you don't trust him.

None of the rest of it matters.

You’re not being unreasonable at all! Don’t let these people gaslight you into accepting behavior that crosses certain boundaries—which, have you explicitly told him what your boundaries are? Have you told him what you consider crossing the line is?

If not then this is the perfect time to do so. It does already seem that you suspect something since you keep searching his phone, though. But perhaps set those boundaries and see what happens.

If her ‘boundaries’ are that he is not allowed to have generic conversations about lunch with another woman he has worked with then those boundaries are inappropriate and controlling, and she is the problem.
interesting you think he’s violating her boundaries without any acknowledgment that it is absolutely disrespectful of his boundaries to go through his phone without consent.

Vegan wrap isn't giving flirty/sexy,/affairy to me

I don't see anything wrong with that message at all. Nothing flirty about it at all in my opinion.

Do you know what gaslighting is?

Who is gas lighting who?

It all sounds perfectly innocent. You will drive him away with your mistrust.

You sound way to insecure

Maybe he didn't tell you about his friend cos you act like this and say secret life when he's just having a vegan wrap 😂

Seriously get some therapy

I'm quite distrustful of men due to past experiences. However on this occasion, it sounds pretty innocent.

You are being unreasonable.

Sounds exactly as he's explained to me.

The big issue here is you.

Why do you check his phone - it's invading his privacy.

Clearly you don't trust him as you wouldn't feel the need to check it.