I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

You aren't unreasonable, you are in the trenches at the moment. It gets better, it honestly does.

I know some women love having littlies but I really found it hard going. I'm sorry I know this doesn't help you now.

@Pootles34 thanks. I hate it. I wish I had known the reality

Yes it does get better. I have 3 - if I'd known then what I know now I would have had 1, or even none.

Stick to 1. Life will be easier for it.

I really resonate with what you’ve said. I feel like I’ve become a shell of myself and hope going back to work with help my mental health.

most likely I will not be having another!

No advice but you’re not alone, hopefully it will get better in time…

90% of what you mentioned is what it’s like coming into step parenting but without the loving bond to carry you through. It’s a culture shock!! Good like finding yourself again in the midst of being a kick ass mum 🥰🥰

I found some solace in this thread a while back, and you may too. It helps to know other people feel the same way and it doesn’t make you a bad person.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/3610042-Everyone-thinks-I-have-PND-I-think-I-just-hate-being-a-Mum

@ByCupidStunt why did you have more?(hope that’s not an insensitive way to put it!)

Yes I felt similar, although difficult to remember fully now as you tend to look back through rose-tinted glasses.

Mine are 8 and 11 now and being a parent to them is a joy. It got easier when my younger boy was around 2ish, but more enjoyable with every year that passed after that.

You do get YOU back I promise. My life now with my two is so much better than if I hadn’t had them, and I had a great life before

I find a to do list really helps, like a physical paper one. In the morning I get up I go down before my children ( I have three. 9,4 and almost 2)

I have a quick think about my day what if like to accomplish (being sure to be realistic with myself) and I get on with it, it gives your day more structure. And you get a little dopamine hit when you can tick something off, I don't always complete everything but I give it a damned good go. I add obvious things like breakfast, lunch and dinner. Playing with them and reading because they're sure fire ticks

You’re not unreasonable - it’s bloody hard work. I always thought I’d want more children but I am very definitely 1 and done!

@coffeeandsleep i much prefer being at work and work isn’t easy either. I feel guilty or stressed or tired or ill at any given time. Hope you are ok

And I had two because I knew they’d entertain each other and I’d be off the hook! Parents of onlies I know spend A LOT of time playing etc whereas mine play together and I get to read 🤣

i hated that stage . My oldest is grown up and we have a great relationship, same as the teen . this is just a season of parenting x

OP, I hear you. It's a grind. Some parts will get easier for sure, and you will be able to claim more of your life back in small increments as life goes on. I understand the resentment and the feeling that you are disappointed with yourself too. You sort of end up finding a way through, I promise. So many mums feel the same but don't feel able to admit it. You are not alone.

@WhydoIcaresomuch thank you. Just can’t stop crying tonight. I feel like I’ve ruined my life. I’m not good fun anymore. I used to be interesting and interested in people and life. I am honestly a shell

@Bookridden i am just so sad. I let my dc down I know I do. I should be happy to see them every morning. My personality seems to have vanished, I miss jokes I used to be the first to crack and have no energy to even read or listen to a podcast.

You haven’t ruined your life. Babies suck. Toddlers suck worse. Kids though - they’re fantastic. My two are great company: they make me laugh til my sides hurt, teach me new things (my 11 year old introduced me to a new music genre today) and we get to do all kinds of fun stuff together. We even get to do fun adult stuff like city breaks, pub trips and meals out. I always say I didn’t have babies to have babies; I had babies to have kids!

If I could go back in time and know the things I know now, I’d never have done it. I love them with everything that I have and everything that I am, but that’s the problem. There’s no ME, anymore.

I found post-2yo soooo much better than before. To the extent that after giving away all my DD's baby clothes and swearing she'd be an only, I'm now pregnant again following an embryo transfer. I hate pregnancy too! But I find having a 2+ year old so rewarding I'm going to grit my teeth until I start feeling like myself again in 2026. Hold on, it'll get easier!

😭

It gets so much better I promise. My 5.5 year old now loves a lie in, and can get up at 9.30 some mornings. He loves to play with his toys for a bit on his own, I can do stuff like wash my hair, have a quick clean up. If we’ve been out and about and come home shattered, he’ll happily watch a film and it’s nice to have a cuppa and relax on the sofa and have an hours peace. I promise it gets better.

Small children are awful. I posted a lot on here years ago, under other names, about how hard I was finding it, and my DH pulls his weight and more (I deduce that either you don't have a partner or you're carrying much more of the load).

But this is not all there is to being a parent. DD is nearly 14 now and it's got better and better since she was 4. She's a joy to spend time with, apart from nagging about homework and music practice, and we share a lot of interests. I'm just planning a couple of weeks in Berlin with her next summer - we'll both do German lessons in the mornings and explore the city in the afternoons, and I'm really excited about it.

Hang in there. This bit is grim but I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Not insensitive at all. What I mean is, looking back 25 years later, I would have done things differently. My life would have turned out differently. I didn't realise at the time the significance of having 3 children although to be fair the last two were twins lol

It is hard work. Do you have support? Use babysitters, get a bit of your life back. It will benefit you and your child. It doesn't need to be this way.

I felt exactly the same as you. Exactly. Felt like a bomb had gone off in my life.

She's 17 next week and I absolutely promise it gets better. Just hang in there.

Remember, most days good enough is good enough. This too shall pass.