I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

Oh, dear. You are really in the thick of it. It does get better. I think we all are better at certain stages. I didn't like that stage either - I felt all the same things you do. Give yourself some grace. You'll find your rhythm.

Hi OP, what you are experiencing is so 'normal', please don't beat yourself up about not being the mother you thought you would be. Parenting of small children/babies is relentless, exhausting, lonely. tiresome etc etc.
Nothing prepares you for it , Please seek some support from playgroups etc. I know they are full of children but it links you to other adults. People who have loads of support find it incredibly hard. Unsure if you have an opportunity to do anything for yourself? Pictures/meal out/museum ??????? An opportunity to feel like yourself again and reclaim a part of your identity. I totally understand that may not be possible. You lose abit of yourself when you have young children. It will get better. Please stop beating yourself up. All parents I know long for their kid's bedtimes and would love a lie in. It will get better. Please take care

I could have written this if MN existed 36 years ago. I also had to stifle and hide my feelings, as I should be grateful they are healthy. Well, if anything that made it worse, I felt even more of a failure.
I have never enjoyed it and have mourned what my life could have been like if I wasn't so young and stupid.
Ironically, I found the teen years the easiest.

I was chatting with a neighbour's 8 year old this evening as I was putting out the recycling and what a lovely age this is! She was chatting away about her favourite things at school, she loves history and was telling me all about the Anglo-Saxons and how she wants to be a potter when she grows up! Much easier than a toddler

I feel you. 21 month old here and 2 months pregnant. I feel like people always talk about having children giving you purpose, meaning, unimaginable joy etc. But I do feel like having a child pushed out everything else that gave my life meaning.

I think because I work with 4/5 year olds I see the light at the end of the tunnel more clearly, everything is a season this just isn't the one for us yet. They are still very, very small and it's OK not to love the baby/toddler stage.

You've honestly done the best thing for yourself hanging on to work. It kept me sane and gave me adult time. I have two - it got easier when DC2 got really good at talking (about 19 months) and that meant they were able to play together. After that they were definitely more joy than trouble.

And honestly, compared to the toddler years, the teenage years were a complete walk in the park. They're now 21 and 23 and wonderful.

It doesn’t feel like it but the baby toddler years are just a fleeting stage.

Dd1 just cleared up dinner dd2 does my make up and wants to talk about a book of
mine she’s nicked and is enjoying. We are listening to a brill yet quite obscene lesbian singer they have just discovered. The baby / toddler years seem a lifetime away.

I felt like this with both of mine - one of the reasons I went back to work full time when dd (now aged 21) was 6 months old. I just couldn’t cope anymore. Everyone kept telling me I had pnd but I just couldn’t cope with my life changing so much. When she started talking more and I could interact in a better way things started to turn around, so much so that I had another dc when she was around 10 as I felt I had a good perspective to know that the baby / toddler stage doesn’t last forever and I coped a lot better second time round. Ds is 12 now and dd 21 and I love them both to bits and have a brilliant relationship with them both - but babies and toddlers? Hell no. Can’t stand them. Horrible stage.

I really feel you with this one and I feel like fucking awful parent. Most of the time I just want to scream or cry. I don't even think she particularly likes me either tbh

Solidarity - some of it is FUCKING AWFUL. I have two, three years apart, and the grind is relentless.

However - the older one is five, now, and she's suddenly genuinely funny. She has a cracking sense of humour and it suddenly feels like when we make eye contact over a shared joke there's a bit of conspiratorial fun going on. She asks great questions and (currently...) enjoys helping around the house. She's a superstar with her little sister - they love playing together and have little private jokes, which is no mean feat given that the two year old speaks incomprehensible gobbledegook.

It's the first time I've felt like there must be light at the end of the interminable tunnel that is looking after very small children. I'm still not at the point where I can see myself having meaningful hobbies, but I 100% can see that a couple of years will make a massive difference in terms of how boring that daily routine of dealing with kids is, if that makes sense!

Your life has changed. It won't go back. The constant responsibility is wearing. Spontaneity has gone (for now) But you will get used to this new life and it will come right. Takes a while. You are not alone xxx

As annoyingly cheesy as this going to sound, concentrate on the good stuff about now that you won’t have for long and not on what you are missing as it won’t be that long before you have more time to yourself as your child is old enough not to need your full on attention all the time.

Every word resonates. I remember thinking WTF have I done? The early years were crisis management. None of it came naturally, not breastfeeding, not understanding what she wanted or needed, not time management - none of it. I was constantly chasing my tail, playing catch-up with baby, work, household tasks, relationship. Feeling as if I wasn’t doing any of it particularly well.

No time for myself. Instead of having a couple of leisurely hours to get ready for a (vanishingly rare) social event I had 30 mins to shower, shave my armpits and lower legs before slapping on some makeup and running out the door ten minutes late. No time to read, forget browsing in shops. Can’t apply for promotion - requires overnight stays. I love my child dearly but did not look at her and think “oh, you’re so worth it”. And this made me feel so guilty, because she always wanted me.

After the toddler years things improved (or I acclimatised!) drastically and I managed much better. Early teens - a war of attrition. Apparently it’s a girl thing, boys love their mummies. 🥺 However, age 15 - new delightful person has appeared, fun, charming and responsible. I really enjoy talking with her and listening to her views.

It’s a rollercoaster OP. You will love your child madly but it’s ok to mourn the life you could’ve had if you had chosen to remain childless. Of course if childlessness was not by choice then you would be mourning for a different reason. I do think people are better about being honest regarding the monumental shock of motherhood and how it is not always a perfect fit for everybody.

You’ll do fine, this bit will either get better or you will become better at managing it.

I felt this way foe the first 15months. I wondered if I made a mistake and why this feeling hadn't passed.
I swore to my husband no more children as DS had an awful time as a newborn with lots of things including sleep and feeding.
Everything you said I went through.
Then something changed and I can't imagine my life without DS. I am now due baby now 2 any day now.

Things that helped was having routine and structure. That 2 hour nap is my time! To do what I want for me. Sit and read / watch something / eat a special treat / talk to my friends etc etc.

It gets better. DS plays independently on and off in the day. He enjoys reading books alone and practicing his letters and drawing. And in that time I can get on with house work / cooking etc and now and then join in when I can and when done.
When DS was smaller I would use wireless headphones during nursing seasions, and he would contact nap a lot so I would read books, nap myself or catch up with emails and texts.
Another thing that helped was having half a sunday to myself every other week. DH would take DS all day and I could go out between feeds got better as DS got older as I had longer stretches. Sometimes I would go eat lunch alone, catch up with a friend at theirs, go for a long drive. Etc etc. I needed to have me time to be me and not think about baby or feeds or anything else. It worked for me. And helped me love parenting.

I can relate to a lot of this.

Some days wonder what has happened to my life.

But I wouldn’t be without them. I love them more than anything. I smile and laugh more with them than anyone. I’m so grateful for them.

But what you’re saying is totally valid and relatable!

and agree re men.

Yes some of it is absolute torture especially at that age. It gets more fun with each passing year as they get more independent and you start getting them doing things that are actually useful!

I think the pressure to be the most wonderful and engaged parent doesn't help. I felt so much guilt at that stage of my children's lives. I wish I had used childcare and family to muck in a bit more so I could just have a breather.

I know everyone is saying it but it really does get easier. Mine are 13, almost 12 and 10. The 13 year old is a joy. She takes herself out and about with friends, has an out of school hobby and really doesn't need much from me apart from my company sometimes.

Hang in there.

Really sorry you're having a hard time OP. It's very normal as others have said. You might feel like you've settled into the long term reality of parenting as your child isn't brand new but this is a very specific stage and can be one of the hardest as you're worn down from the intensity of pregnancy then a baby then a young toddler but you're not yet benefitting from the increased independence even an older toddler will have. In six months things will be different and in six months after that they'll be different again. Just don't beat yourself up for finding it hard and take any chance for a break/some yoy time that you can get. Even one evening out with my partner used to really help me. It's okay for your child not to be the entire centre of your world and it's okay for you to disappoint them sometimes - it's good preparation for life as not everything will go their way! The instagram account bigtimeadulting is good for humour about how gruelling the toddler stage is. Big hugs to you, you sound like a good mum xx

Hated the first two years. Was a miserable husk of my former self. Though I loved my child I also thought I'd made a terrible mistake and in many ways ruined my life.

Things began to improve gradually from about 2 onwards and I'm now the proud mother of an almost 4 year old. Yes, it's definitely still hard sometimes but I can honestly say I enjoy being his mother and am excited for the future. He is amazing.

I won't be having any more though. Partly because I'm now over 40 but also before I can't put myself through the early years again.

Hang on in there. It will get better.

It's so hard. Honestly is gets so much better and easier. Mine are 6 and 8 now and i enjoy being a mum so much more now. I did have pnd tbf, and I would suggest that you don't rule that out as some of what you say does fit... it took me a long time to get into my groove and feel confident in my parenting. It is hard, everyone is winging it. You are doing better than you think you are. It does sound like you could benefit from more support but obviously don't know how feasible that is for you. Bottom line is you aren't alone and it will get better. Sending you loads of love xx

Can I just say as someone battling with the should I have children question
.. thank you all for sharing the realities of what it can be like. I wish women would speak up more about this so we can make more informed decisions. My friends paint it as 100% joyful... But they seem so tired, angry and stressed alot of the time. Im sure kids are wonderful too but it's nice to see the balance!

I have three and I also look after my sisters child a lot. I agree with a pp that age 1-2 is absolutely shite. They are incredibly irritating at this age. Can't take your eyes off them for a second, they can't talk properly yet, can't manage even simple tasks for themselves.

It's so so draining. I've also made my life worse by being pregnant again each time my children reach this stage and my sisters child is almost the same age as my middle one. So during my last pregnancy I had 2 x one year olds to look after.

My eldest is 4 and my middle one is 2 now. I have found after age 2 for it to become much better. And so far things have already got much easier with my eldest. He can sit quietly and watch tv for a short while. We have lovely interesting conversations now. His curiosity about the world is amazing.

For me personally as well as time has gone on (and with the birth of each child) I've felt more at peace with how things are. I still have days where it seems so unfair and I feel so frustrated but mostly I have come to a point where I'm used to it? Hope that makes sense!

Hang in there. It's going to get better.

It is damn hard and part of what makes it tough is the expectation of what you think motherhood "should" be like. Do you have support? Try and go back to basics - can you reset how you do bedtimes etc? I get out an evening a week for a hobby which helped my overall state of mind massively. I have a 2.5 yo. I still feel so on the fence about having another as even though I love her so dearly, I cannot see how I would be able to love another child in the same way and have that capacity and stay sane.

It gets better then sometimes worse again, then better, then worse... and it's conflicting because I love my child but I hate what comes with motherhood. But he's worth it. But it's also shit.

Try to make 30 minutes of every day for you. Read, bath, shower, netflix.

The time does fly. They don't stay little long and, eventually, you'll find yourself again.

You are me 30 years ago.

I love my dc dearly but I really struggled and some aspects of parenthood turned out to be things I am really crap at. I get overwhelmed and struggle with the complete lack of control and chaos. Recently diagnosed with adhd which explains a bit. And no, I really don't present like the image of adhd

My advise is to try to enlist as much help as you can. Paid if necessary and feel no guilt. I'm a great mum to adult dc and I've been a fun mum and a super mama bear in my time. My dc all love me flaws and all.

Just get all the help you can and allow yourself to be the bits you excel at.