I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

I think I was quite selfish when they were little. I had 3 under 5 so it obviously was a bit shite. But we were already skint so just kept being skint. We had low expectations on holidays (lots of camping and sun holidays and staying with random friends or house swapping). I worked part time as too expensive for childcare and DH worked weekend s and shift work so little childcare costs
The house was messy but it was already a bit shit so didn't matter. I was lucky and found a group of friends who were happy to take the kids on endless trips to the seaside or museums or forests and then end the day at our houses drinking wine. I think without them I would have been insane.
I think the need now to have to work full-time means that there is less ability to meet sound people to hang out with and basically talk to them about anything other than children. Took me a while to find people that I got on with and went to endless baby groups etc but the pool now is much smaller.
It gets so much easier when they get to about 3 and then just gets easier every year. I love now having a full house of teenagers it's so full of laughter and joy. They obviously can be pain in the arses but the drudgery is so much less. The only bit I hate is now working full time, as soon as we can afford it I'm going to four days a week.

Having read my back I forgot to mention the selfish bit and that was that I went out at least once or twice a week. Starting when the babies were about six weeks old for a couple of hours to going out now that they are teens about three times a week. I would go insane otherwise.

I felt just like that, everything that you say. It has eased now that they're 7 and 5 and I don't hate it like I did.

It is bloody exhausting. I’d like to tell you it gets better, it doesn’t. The sleep gets better but they go to school your constantly tidying up, school lunches , ironing ,working , running around clubs, the same shit everyday. They then answer back and fight all the time , my child has a Ed which makes things a lot harder but even before that it’s hard. There are some nice moments but I think had I my time again I don’t think I’d be a parent , i don’t have enough patience and feel sorry my kids have a stroppy parent. Every day I say tomorrow is going to be better and calmer but it never is! I’m glad you wrote this post as sometimes you wonder if it’s just you.

It’s hard when they are small. Babies are pretty cute but they are also boring and super demanding and looking after them is relentless. Mine were thankfully early talkers and I found once they could tell me what they wanted/what was wrong it got significantly easier. They are 7 & 10 now and they are awesome. Sure it’s hard work at times but we do so much fun stuff together too. If I could go back I’d 100% put up with the shitty times when they were limpets and I was massively sleep deprived to get the times we have now.
Not everyone feels that way later but I know a lot of people who do. It’s definitely not uncommon to be utterly overwhelmed the first few years but to find it gets easier. The timetable juggling now is hard work but you feel like you get so much more back when they actually actively enjoy stuff and tell you so and say thank you for things. I hope you find it easier in a year or two and that there is more you enjoy then x

@ByCupidStunt would you mind elaborating on this a little bit,
? Currently on the fence about number three!

Can you use (more) childcare OP?
I'd sacrifice any small luxuries or even nice things to get an extra 1-2 hours a day / weekend free.

This is such a ridiculous comment. And I say this as the mother of a child with a learning disability who was fighting for their life for their first year.

Parenting a child with disabilities is a whole other wild ride. It doesn’t mean typical parenting journeys aren’t challenging, particularly at crunch points.

I think I commented on that thread when my children were 4 and 5 months respectively! So reporting from the other side, OP I can confirm it gets MUCH better when they're 9 and 5, as mine now are. I'm not sure o could see the light at the end of the tunnel then, but it has arrived. It's still hard in places, but the relentless grind of worry and responsibility has eased slightly. Now it's all about the life admin!

I could have posted this. You are not alone. 💐

We hear you. x It is what it is now; you will learn to roll with it. Please don’t be made to have another child; that is my suggestion. Society will pressure you into it, believing this is what you need. We have one, and when people ask me why - I am just honest and say I can’t mentally deal with having another child. I don’t know what else to say. It’s hard at all different stages. I love my child so much, but it’s so exhausting mentally to be there and working full time. I think people should be more honest about the realities of motherhood and the support network needed. Please be kind to yourself and get a break. See a therapist or use ChatGpT - that really helps me x

I’m sorry you feel like this, it sounds like a tough period of time for you.
To offer a different perspective from many pp, I was fully aware even pre-conception that if I was doing this, if I was choosing to create a human being and thrust them onto planet earth with all the struggle and joy that will entail for them, my DC would always need to come first, and all of my needs would take several back seats until DC were considerably older. Sleep, food, money, career, hobbies, ALL of that.
The challenges of raising a child well take huge resources of selflessness, patience, courage, physical and mental resilience, love and compassion for someone who is utterly vulnerable and dependent on you. It’s a huge privilege and huge responsibility, but it’s also about fixing your mindset. I felt like I properly grew up when I became a mother, dropped my self-pity and grew a newer, tougher spine.
The normalisation of everything being shit and awful and terrible and desperate isn’t massively helpful tbh. Yes it’s hard but so are lots of things. It’s also funny, joyful, meaningful and interesting (if you want it to be).
Try to make your child laugh, cuddle them whenever they’ll let you, write down 3 things you’re thankful for every day, be their PR machine and tell everyone how awesome they are. A decent chunk of life (not all, obviously) is what you make of it. Best of luck.

I feel so sorry for young women today . Balancing careers with children is so bloody difficult now. What is not often admitted is that being with young kids can be tedious, boring and lonely . Don't think you are not a good mother. The fact that you have concerns show that you are. All you can do is the best you can with what you got. There is an end to a lot when they become more self sufficient.

I hear you. I would do anything for my DC, anything. They are my absolute world. But one was more than enough. I haven’t slept in years because my brain decided I don’t need sleep since I got pregnant. My mental and physical health is in the bin and nothing fixes it. Because even when you’re ‘off’ you’re still on. You have to be in case there is a phone call or some such.

Being a parent is fucking hard. Sending you love and peace.

Hello OP.
Sending hugs.
Being a mum is really hard work and when they are tiny you loose so much of yourself.
I have an 18 year old DS and a 16 year old DD1 to my exDH. They light up my life in so many ways. They have had varying needs from me as their mother as children do over the years but they have been my world.
We were done with two and I was happy at that.
Since then have new DP and now have a 21 month DD2 and a 3.5 month DD3.
Holy crap, I didnt realise how well I had it until now, when I don't have "it" and more.
The total lack of freedom again, not being able to get to the hairdresser's or out for a meal. My DD2 was and now DD3 is a delightful little bottle refuser. Yes totally my fault for giving the boob both times.
I'm not a SAHM, and don't intend to be. I don't enjoy pregnancy and I am always glad to get back to work. This is not said to be disrespectful to those that are SAHMs or enjoy pregnancy. Fuck I didn't enjoy it at all i was sick from I found out until I had my babies.
That being said, even though I am back in the trenches now, my older pair are understanding but I feel crap that I can't always give them all the individual time that they need from me. I feel crap that I'm tired and grumpy and all the kids get the brunt of that.
I feel crap that I have to pick a role within my job as a nurse that allows me to work around my kids (thank god, as I'm NHS and this isn't as common as it bloody well should be).
I feel crap that I haven't enough money to do all the things with my family that I would love to do, but I also feel crap that I can't spend some money from time to time on me.
I don't resent my kids one bit, and I wouldn't be without them, but I agree with you OP, that motherhood totally does a number on you and it definitely is a man's world.
This comes from a place where I don't have PND, I'm just pissed off and tired right now lol
I look forward to the future where hopefully it gets easier again, but I'm going to have to take my kids with me when I travel the world, try and further my career a bit more and push my relationship along aswell.
Sending hugs of solidarity and encouragement. Take it a day at a time, step at a time and you'll get there. X

I wasn't suited to having young children at all. I found it soooo boring and I resented not having even a few minutes to have a quiet drink or read the paper. I distinctly remember one saturday morning sitting on the floor loading the washing machine and thinking 'is this my life now?'
My children are adults now and I love them - they are some of my best friends and they enrich my life immensely so I can't regret having them but I have made many compromises throughout my life. I had to work part-time for years as I had no family support so even though my husband and I were both graduates, he went on to earn a good salary and I didn't. Then we got divorced and I discovered all kinds of additional compromises that I didn't even realise I'd made.
Even though my youngest is now almost 30 I still worry about her. She's had mental health issues since she was 17. She's ambivalent about having children and I take every opportunity to persuade her not to. The truth is that you will never have a truly worry free life ever again. It's the cost of having a child - you gain a lot but you also lose a lot. It's unfair and we might think we've moved on but in the end it's still the women carrying the load and making all the compromises 😏

It does get better - honest

Gets easier every year. Sometimes feel the way you describe but a lot less and loads more just enjoying them. Didn’t think I’d say that 3/4/5 years ago.

Hmm. I found myself saying that my eldest used up all my patience by the time she turned 2. Her brother wasn't even born till she was nearly 3 ...

To say I was surprised / disappointed by that is to put it mildly - I had worked with children of various ages in a couple of roles and would even say I prided myself on my patience - it was something that actually got remarked on.

Mine are now at university. My life has not been what I thought it would be, but we've been places and experienced things I never dreamt of too. I'm still not as patient with my children as I would like to be.

I still work with children (full disclosure would be that that is the only thing my current career has in common with my previous one). I still get remarks from parents on how patient I am with their children ... and now I can reassure them how different it is when you are working with your own!

I agree it is easy to lose yourself in the grind of parenting toddlers. It does get easier in some ways as they grow older, and slowly over time the rewards outmatch the difficulties.

Thinking of you, best wishes.

Honestly, it does get better , or it can get better.
i found that age very hard. Now at 2 + 1/2, still hard balancing toddler and work, and I’m still tired, but feel like sometimes I begin to see some light at the end of the tunnel (more talking /interaction helps).

take all the help you can get, and if you can afford it, throw some money at it eg couple of hours of extra childcare when you’re off work so you have some time for you

It gets better.
you get yourself back - an older, wiser, richer you… with a shit sex life but a very strong sense of self.

Plus PS: YES it’s all still heaped more on mum than on dad, and I have been /am very angry about that.
cant advise on that front …

Nope I felt and feel the same. My “kids” are 25, 18 and 17. I love them so dearly and they’re self sufficient now but every day there’s something. I 100% would not have kids if I had my time again.

Totally felt the same with my first at that age (who is now 5) and then my second who is literally 19 months now

19 months is gruelling! I thought it would be easier second time round as I’d done it already but my god no it isn’t - I love my little one so much but I’m also exhausted, shattered, never have time to myself

BUT my eldest is so lovely and so so fun and so much easier - it happened since she was about 4ish. She’s now a little girl and we have the best times together and she also sleeps and can do much more for herself. I love that.

so it gets easier soon

These posts have made me feel SO much less alone. Thank you thank you thank you.

So many things I can relate to. The boring part of it… god it’s so boring isn’t it!! Sometimes they do something cute like go to pick a flower and want to show me a flower… of course it’s lovely. Then a minute later I’m being attacked trying to get her in the car, dirty shoes all over me, grabbing me randomly so accidentally tangling in my hair. I feel assaulted.

A few weeks back she refused to have her nappy changed and I just cried. Obviously couldn’t leave the house and in the end I had to sort of pin her down, I was genuinely sweating by the end of it (24 degrees outside). I hated her in that moment. It was awful.

Last weekend I had a vomiting bug courtesy of nursery and spent the majority of the week feeling guilty about work and having to take a day off.

I just don’t enjoy it. I instinctively do my best and focus on all her needs so they are met but it’s 90% instinctive rather than by my own desire.