I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

Have you met other mums, OP? I'm a very sociable person, and making friends with mums I clicked with was my saviour.

Advice not advise. My pedantry couldn't let that slide 😹

Solidarity OP. Hopefully it is reassuring for you to hear that this sort of thread pops up pretty regularly. You absolutely aren’t alone- far from it.

I found the toddler and baby years immensely draining. I didn’t cope well on lack of sleep and seemed to completely lose my sense of humour for a few years. I was often grumpy. I shouted more than I would have liked to. I often thought ‘I’ve ruined my life’. And that’s with a supportive partner too so Lord knows how single Mums do what they do (hats off to the mums going solo).

For me, (and most of the posters here by the looks of things), it got a lot better once they were both in school! Things were really pretty great for a good ten years (however I lost both of my parents when the DCs were 7 and 5 so quite a lot of their mid-childhood is hard for me to remember as I was so mired in grief during that time- but my recollection is that the primary and secondary years were pretty good).

They are teens now and their teens have mostly been great- I love being able to have proper chats and enjoy their company. We have come into a slightly more difficult phase with both now in late teens- they are fab kids, polite and law-abiding and so on but there are other, bigger worries for me now about where they’re going to go in life and what the future holds for them now. But at least I get plenty of sleep these days which makes a world of difference!

If I could go back and do things differently, I don’t know what I’d do- not because of them but me- I don’t think I’ve been the mum they deserved but I’m the only one they’ve got and I’m doing my best so I just hope that’s enough.

I hated it for a long time. Honestly even now (dc aged 15 and 12) if I had truly known what it would be like I would have only had one or no dc. My 12 year old is autistic and struggles , so even now they are older like is still very controlled.

I know a few people who have said if they truly knew what it was like they wouldn’t have done it.

Some people take to parenting and some don't. It will get easier as your baby grows and becomes more independent - the toddler stage is undeniably difficult.

I think the important thing is to not double down and have a second child, then hate that even more. I never blame someone for saying they don't enjoy being a parent, but if they say it and then have more children I absolutely do judge.

This.

I'm pregnant with our second and it took me till my eldest was over three to feel a semblance of me back. I know that will all go tits up again with this one it already is tbh, and I will have to ride the wave of it until it does. I won't lie I'm scared of it, this pregnancy has been much harder I hate every single photo of me, I've ballooned in size and can't exercise consistently as I feel like poo 90% of the time.

I love my daughter more than anything and I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but I've felt very like you. I've worked full time since my daughter was 2 and like you say that brings it's own challenges but it made me feel more like me again and has done wonders for my mental health. We are having another as equally I knew I wanted another one and it was very much a heart thing rather than a logic thing which would have seen me be one and done. All this to say you're not alone OP.

I understand to a degree. It’s physically and emotionally demanding. That being said I miss him even for a few hours when we’re
not together and don’t take enough time for me. I’m sure it will pass for you soon, remember even if it feels absolutely shit right now, this is just a short period in your life, your wonderful child is only going to get older and be more amazing, hang in there ❤️

I promise it will get easier when they go to school. You are right women have had a right job done on them, we are made to believe that having it all is achievable, that you can give 100% to your job and 100% to your child/ren, be a great social friend and have a fantastic partner where you both take on 50% of the child rearing and housework whilst still having time for "date" nights and "me" time. It is all a con and nothing but lies. It is bloody hard work, men don't bother their arses and leave it all up to you whilst they play golf, cycle or go to the pub. " Work suffers because you will be the one to take unpaid leave because your child is ill. You see your friends once in a blue moon and "me" time is going for a pee on your own if you are lucky.

This is exactly how I feel! 2 under 2 with 15 months gap. I have no time to do anything. It is grueling. I love them but I hate being the main person to think about their meals, make sure it is nutritional, prep and cook them, feed them on time, clean after them, get them ready for the day, make sure they are safe, they have eaten enough, napped on time, changed diapers, playing nicely, have I spend any time with them, are they dressed properly. It's constant. Plus I am breastfeeding my youngest while older baby creating havoc. Waking eachother up during nap or at night. I hate it allllll. I cld be in Bahamas looking cute but after 2 babies back to back my body doesn't feel the same and definitely does not look the same. And time to cuddle with partner err they can dream on! BUT I HEARD IT GETS BETTER!!
Sorry got carried away but we just have to embrace the chaos. We live for them and their little smiles and hugs

My friend had a baby a year after me and this is what I told her.

90% is mind numbing drudgery
9% is absolutely awful
1 % is amazing.

endure the 90%, survive the 9 % and cherish the 1 % - because this is just what it is.

I completely agree with you about the number done on women, but you need to get to a place where you can separate your own life from the wider problem in society because basically you can’t change everything - you need to live your life in an imperfect world and change the bits you can.

I could have written your post OP. It resonated so much. My DS is 3.5 and we are still very much in the trenches. He's half way through an assessment for autsim, but my god its hard, relentless without any respite. Everything feels difficult, all of the time. I feel like i treat it like a job, do all of the stuff you are supposed to do, but I just don't enjoy it. He's never been a sleeper, will not got to sleep, never has no matter how tired he is. The day is long and he often wakes in the night. His tantrums and melt downs are on another level, i'm often hit, kicked, bitten, having my hair pulled out. He is incredibly fussy with food. Also sensitive to noise, light, smells. It is so tough and yet I love him to bits, and we have an incredible bond. But i mourn my old life. I gave up my dream job and life, and I felt like I got sold a lie about what motherhood would be like, because its just been bloody hard from the beginning.
The only thing that vaguely helps is being able to carve out an hour in the day for myself to exercise, be alone, have head space, go out with friends. I know ill never get back to the old me and i've made my peace with it.

4 years in and I still feel like this. I love my son but I absolutely hate being a mum. It's basically 99% shit with the occasional good bit thrown in. But mainly shit. I've posted on here myself before under another name as I've really struggled with motherhood. It's not at all what I thought it would be. I've always liked the idea of having 2 children but that was before I knew the reality of 1. Another child would be the end of me. And this is coming from someone who is married to a very hands on father.. not so much help around the house but he is an amazing dad.
I don't really have any advice other than to grab any child free time you can! Work has helped me just about stay sane (sorry I may have missed in your post if you're currently working)

I could have written that OP.

Mine is 2, I’ll hopefully have 1 more so he has a sibling, but he’s an only for now

I adore him, he’s absolutely my world but omg it’s hard.
I never could have imagined how much life would change

I just pray that one day I find myself again 😂

More women need to talk about this.
I felt the exact same as you OP, I remember I used to squeeze my eyes shut and pray it was all a nightmare and I would wake up and be free.
Every single day was a repeat of the last, my mind was completely gone.
Whenever I hear 'the baby club' song I legit get PTSD from those long mornings stuck in my flat when it was pissing it down outside.

You'll be glad to know this feeling will pass, it's not forever. Yes it may seem like time is passing so slowly it may as well just stop, but you will look back in a few years and think how the fuck did that happen so quickly.

Having kids is just quite shit and that's okay to admit, if only more people would say it.

@theworldsmad

is she also supposed to kid herself into enjoying changing nappies too??

OP, even if you’re positive you don’t have postpartum depression, I’d get evaluated just to rule it out. Sometimes people think you can’t be “actually depressed” if you have a good reason to be feeling horrible, but you definitely can. It would be really unfortunate if there was help available to you, but you never got it because you didn’t realize all the different ways that postpartum depression can look.

Where’s the baby’s father in all this?

Perhaps there is a biological reason mothers feel like this. We aren't biologically wired for parenting solo or even as a couple, but we are led to believe that we are.

It's a great system for men as they get sex and comfort.

I have 3 children and to be fair in general I love being a parent even of smalls - but honestly this mobile but pre / minimally verbal, emotional wreck, clingy stage which follows from about 12 months latest through to about two and half just sucks terribly a lot of the time. It's just very very difficult and not that rewarding. Especially hard when you are also working and also financially not great either (almost inevitable with young kids).

Take a 4 or 5 year old though - pure magic most of the time, much less effort, you can have the time off as they can stay with grandparents or go to parties, holiday club or even just day to day play quietly by themselves etc. I'd say there's a turning point around when they learn to speak at 2ish and another big turning point as they come up to 4 years old and get a little less tantrumy and demanding. And even 6 is better than 5 because of all the cool stuff they can do and conversations they can have with you etc.

I guess, have you ever been miserable at work on some shitty project you hate, or been strung out completing a course of study / qualification, but it pays off because then you might get the better career / jobs which will affect your life positively for the decades thereafter? That's what this stage of parenting is.

Haven't read the whole thread, but you are NOT alone, and it does get better, I promise. At 19 months, they want to do things for themselves, but can barely do anything. Everything can be a battle, and everything can end in tears. On hard days, I divided the time into hours, or half hours, or even ten minute chunks to be filled, and always stuck a DVD on for a bit before bed time. I had two, a couple of years apart, thinking they'd play together, and got two of the same sex. Guess what? They hated each other! I then spent years breaking up fights, although by school age they were both good fun... individually!! It was late primary age/ early secondary before they really started to get along. The teen years haven't been plain sailing, but they're now pretty independent, are interesting to spend time with, and have turned into reasonably nice young adults! Sometimes, we all wonder what on earth we've gone and done, but if I had to pick, I'd say that the under-two stage was the worst for me. You are keeping your toddler fed, safe and entertained. And that is enough right now.

@Sosadd11 I used to search for posts like yours because I needed to know I wasn’t the only one with those feelings.

It’s no consolation now, but it will get better. I hated the baby toddler years and shudder at the idea of ever having to relive them.

Things are waaay more fun now the kids are older. Hang in there.

As soon as the baby appears , your life is forever and irrevocably changed, not to be dramatic about it, but it's the truth, there's no going back.
I have one child , who I love with all my heart but I couldn't do it again. Noone ever told me how hard it would be and also how my career would be put on hold, I also can't just go and live where I want as I have to think about schools etc.

I wish society would stop expecting women to have kids and think it's odd if they don't want kids, this is a major , permanent life change, and not always for the better, so I think it's a good thing for women to make informed decisions about it. As I said I love my child very much but there are a lot of downsides to having children.

This is a fabulous post

I hated the toddler phase. I loved my DC and didn’t regret them but I hated the drudge, boredom and relentlessness of it all. I went to toddler groups and wanted to ask all the smiling doting mothers why they also weren’t going out of their minds, or why they didn’t want to talk about films or the news or food or travel or anything else but their boring children. 😖

It was like being trapped in some weird nightmare for me.

Having said that I did have a hands-on husband. Even though we came to blows on many occasion he did do the night shift and let me sleep in at weekends. He genuinely loved spending time with the DC and I would get time to myself.

I think start there. Just because ‘men don’t step up’ doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect and demand it. It might just loosen off the lid of the pressure cooker and give you back some of ‘you’. They really don’t have an excuse to leave you feeling so adrift and unhappy.

Thank you for such an honest post.

I wanted children when I was younger because it was expected of me, it seemed like the ultimate goals in life were marriage and babies.
In films and books the “happy ever after” was always the couple getting married and the end was the woman being pregnant or an epilogue where she had multiple children.

As I got older my friends started to settle down and I was the odd one out with people giving me a sympathetic head tilt and saying “it’ll be your turn next”

My sister had children and I started to have my niece for long periods, I also started to babysit for friends, to start with I’d be pushing the pram pretending the baby was mine but after a few hours I was DESPERATE to give the baby back.

As the kids got older I realised how unsuited I’d be to being a parent, I loved the fact that I worked an unconventional job with strange hours, me and DP go on regular holidays and trips away, we have nights out or sometimes just have days in bed.

Both me and DP are ND and struggled with the noise, mess, demands and unpredictability of small children, I get frustrated talking to friends with kids interrupting and get fed up when my friends tell them to go and play but they ignore it and instead we have to watch dance routines and listen to long monologues about Pokémon or Minecraft. I can’t cope with tantrums at all.
We had my niece and nephew for a day out and they were fighting, nothing was good enough and we brought a picnic but they wanted to go to a restaurant, on the way home in the car my nephew started screaming and flailing about because we didn’t buy him a toy for £30, we had already spend a fortune and he would never have played with it. He kept screaming “I ALWAYS get a toy” and grabbing DP whilst he was driving. My DP had only passed his driving test a week before and had to pull over panicking.

After that horrendous day out me and DP had a long talk and realised we weren’t cut out to be parents. Kids are often just being kids and it’s not their fault we are impatient and have low tolerance. We spent the day with friends with toddlers a week later and that absolutely cemented it.

I always admire people who are honest about how difficult it is and have complete respect for anyone who chooses to be a parent. I’m glad I didn’t listen to the people who tried to talk me round though and convince me that once I held a little baby in my arms it’d all be worth it. I’m sure that is true for some people but my closest friends were honest and said we wouldn’t cope and pointed out the likelihood we would have a neurodivergent child.

There have been multiple times where I question if I made the right decision, especially as my friends kids are adults now so it’s been a long time since I’ve been around a toddler flailing and shrieking, I read threads like this and I’m grateful for hearing about the reality not the fairytale version.

I hope it gets better for you OP, I know a lot of my friends who struggled in the early years love having older or adult children now. You are in the midst of the most difficult days but soon your kids will be more independent and you will have time for yourself. It might just be a case of putting a few things on hold for now but you will eventually have more freedom to put yourself first.
It’s not a fairy tale and many many people find it difficult and monotonous, at least you’ll get some supportive honest advice and feedback on here.

One thing that I’ve heard from several friends is that they wish they had put themselves first more. They said it’s important to differentiate between child’s needs and wants, there seems to be a trend of everything revolving around kids and it doesn’t have to be like that, there should be a balance.