I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

Thanks! I was wondering what I said?!

I went back to work after 6 months (we lived outside the UK) did a year back at work and then left to be a SAHM for a couple of years.

DH and I worked 50+ hour weeks and he traveled a lot, often overnight so that constant juggle with inevitable kid sickness from nursery, unforgiving bosses, long hours in nursery plus a long commute for us both and no local support network made it really really hard. Wfh and / or part time wasn't really a thing then, and the jobs we had meant we were tied to a specific area

DH and I kicked around different scenarios and decided on this jointly. It was financially motivated, and as the lower earner it made sense for me to stop work.

We've actually swung the other way now, and DH took sabbatical, never went back and trained as a TA and it's now me who does the long hours and travel

The grind is real, it’s lots of work and a drain on your very soul sometimes (much of the time). It does get better as they get older and they need you a little bit less.

Kids are very different as well, they have their own personalities, they are not blank slates, some kids are definitely more of a handful and impervious to parenting techniques than others.

I had hoped I would be a more loving and patient mum but I’m afraid I’m not. I feel like I have so much to do tbh. However still lots of hugs and love etc but patient earth mother I am not.

Also small children are insanely boring, if it were exciting more men would have been racing to share parental leave.

Everything you've said resonates with me OP. I say that as the mother of 2 fabulous adults. I promise it does get better, but I do remember myself and DH sitting in bed one night at around 4am and he said to me, if you had to do it again, would you? And I said probably not. But that was exhaustion and frustration at not really knowing what we were doing.

I often hear people saying they love babies, but I confess I prefer kids from about 3 yoa. When they can explain what's wrong with them! And I loved their teenage years, I think I was lucky with mine though.

There's a saying, "this too shall pass", which I often used to remind myself.

Women are really disadvantaged by having babies. Our bodies change, our career prospects often take a nosedive, our lives are upended in a way that no man's ever is.

I love my child and have thought about having another. Mainly so he's not alone but we're on holiday at the moment and I'm not getting a minutes peace so must so I cannot do this again.

Personally I think you are at the very worst age with a 19 month old. 12-24 months I think is the hardest part because they run around completely wildly, literally no sense of personal safety, very little language, horribly messy eaters, disgusting pooey nappies. Just small balls of chaos. I know people go on about the terrible twos but once they start talking and you can walk with them to some extent or they can go on their balance bike, I found it a lot easier.

I read that most parents have one more child than they can handle... so if you have one and think "this is hard but Ive got the hang of it" you have another and so on until you hit your limit 😂 if you find one impossible you probs won't have more. I had pnd with my first which was rough but by the time we conceived his sister (when he was 19 months) I was finding it breezy. Husband had the snip almost immediately after second was born, bloody hell the first few years of 2 were rough for us. I genuinely could not have imagined anything worse than having another child (nor could he). I adore my kids but it ain't easy x

The way I've approached it is by having mine fairly close together and telling myself it's just one stage in my life. I knew if DC2 hadn't have come soon enough and my life had improved too much I'd have sacked the idea of having another baby right off.

Honestly I think the motherhood myth is so real and another way to control women.

I felt exactly the same as you, OP. I often told my husband I felt like a shell of my former self. Parenting just took so much from me I found it impossible to still be good at my job, still be a good wife, daughter, sister, friend. I found it so depressing, stressful and soul-destroying, despite loving my son more than anyone else.

I'm only a year on from you now, OP, and it's already SO much better. Him being able to talk is a game changer for me and I can see it just getting better and better the more I can do with him.

Hold on in there, you are not alone.

Reflects how many people have felt, I promise