I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

Romanticising the idea of siblings must be a big part of it! But I say that as a one and done mother 😂

I hated it

If I could go back in time, I would not have done it

I had five, very close together. I thought it would be easier to get the 'small child' parenting stage over and done with, and all of them close in age made it easier to manage (no trying to find something that would entertain a twelve year old and also keep a two year old busy).
Then my marriage broke up when the eldest was nine and the youngest two. And my life was hell. It hadn't been great before, my XH expected me to do everything with the kids while he worked and 'rested'. I was desperately unhappy for a long while. It got easier once it was just me and the kids - then I had four teenagers simultaneously and life was hell again. Now they are all adult and I am me again, living alone with all the time in the world for myself, and kids who take me on holiday, out for dinner and are just a delight.
But I would not relive their growing up years for anything.

I don't understand this either. I want four kids and I've loved having one, can't wait to have more.

Don't understand people who "hate" parenthood but then have like three kids. Maybe they don't actually hate it but just like moaning about how hard their life is

Can I answer this too!

When DD (19 months) tantrums I just laugh at her. Me and DH are fairly easy going - and I think you have to be if you want lots of kids.

We usually end up tickling her or playing/distracting her and she stops pretty sharpish.

I love cuddling her, I love laughing with her, I love spending time with her.

I also don't think I see enough of her to get sick of her, sadly. I work four days a week and spend most of my week wishing I could see her more!

The things she does also reminds me totally of my childhood - playing with my brothers, making up games etc.

I'm not big on toddler games - she loves football for example - whereas I'd rather read. So usually I sit there reading while my DH plays with her, as he loves playing with her.

I still see my friends loads - don't feel like I've missed out on anything from pre baby. I went for a work night out four days after giving birth, actually. It made me feel more me and I never felt like I'd lost myself in motherhood.

I'm going out tonight for drinks with friends while DH watches her. I do the same for him.

She's only added to my life and I want 2/3 more babies. Actually TTC at the moment

I'll be honest, I have felt exactly as you do, and to some extent still do. However, my DD turned 2 a couple of weeks ago and I'd say, from about 20 months, things got a lot better for me. I'm still not myself and I'm certainly not looking like myself still either, but it's getting better.
Hang in there OP. You'll be okay.

@MsCactus

hmm I disagree. People are entitled to moan when something is hard and parenting is sooooo hard! I wondered if it was more to do with societal pressures and tropes about how kids needs siblings (they don’t!)

If you work 4 days a week and get ‘loads of time to yourself’ that’s very likely why you find it easier

Yes definitely. But why be a stay at home parent if you don't like it? I don't understand.

I'd have loved to be a sahm but we have a big mortgage. It baffles me why people choose to do it and then say they hate motherhood

PS - I also loved my mat leave, when I was doing it full time

I’m pregnant with no3, DC are nearly 2 and nearly 4. The plan is to have 4/5 with a 2 year gap between each. My dad is 1 of 6, I’m 1 of 5, so I always knew I wanted to have a big family.

I don’t enjoy pregnancy, the newborn stage is tiring but lovely and fairly easy, I don’t love toddlers but I’m very much looking forward to the teenage yrs (ex secondary school teacher).

I see it as putting in the hard work now in order to have the big family and all the relationships that come with that later. The bigger the family, the bigger the potential support network for everyone.

Personal choice but can’t imagine why on earth anyone would want more than two. Why put yourself through year after year of parenting? Makes my blood run cold frankly. Aren’t there other things you would want to be doing with your short life? I guess those with large families must just really love parenting - as my teens would say “can’t relate”.

I agree with some of what you say, but I think some children are easier than others in that they are more chilled out, laid back, more placid, easier to distract etc…. I’m not suggesting you’re parenting skills aren’t great because you sound fab, however I do think it’s not as cut and dry to think that all children will react exactly the same way with the same parenting techniques and achieve exactly the same results.

I think it’s a mix of nature vs nurture and some children will be easier from day dot regardless. If someone has a high needs toddler it’s understandable that they would find it more challenging.

And this is why I'm determined to be a hands on grandma. We raised ours without family help and it was so hard. I don't want my kids to go through it alone and I can have great fun and long breaks in between helping out too.

You are not alone. Don't beat yourself up. Take care

Spot on and you have lots of support. Huge difference

Lovely that you had a happy ending after all those years of hard work and single parenthood to 5!

I often feel this way, it is relentless sometimes and I have 2 DS, a good and helpful husband, a career and friends but „time off/out“ just makes me feel guilty. My perspective changed a bit now they are 4 &7, it seems easier. I hate when people tell me the little years pass so fast and I’ll regret it in the future, this does not stop it being difficult in the moment.

For me personally, my first DC started asking for a sibling and I was already getting worn down by friends and relatives continually asking when I was going to have another, how I'd regret it if I didn't as I wasn't getting any younger etc. I also knew DH very much wanted a second. He never pressured me at all, in fact he tried to pretend he wasn't that bothered but I knew different. As many pp have said, it does get easier so when my first was 3.5 years old I finally felt like I was coping and I suppose my hormones tricked me into looking back on the baby and toddler years with rose tinted glasses so I decided to go ahead and have another. I definitely wouldn't have more than two though.

I honestly take great satisfaction in getting to his level and super-calmly saying “You clearly feel really upset right now, that must feel horrible, how can we make your body and mind calmer? I’m here when you’re ready for a hug/want to read a book/I’m going to play with this train and when you’re ready to join me you can” etc and 99% of the time it works after 2-3min

I'm sorry, but as a Mum of two ND children I couldn't help but chuckle at this.

If my children were so easy that this was all it took to to regulate their emotions then I'd probably be loving every minute of Motherhood too!!

You sound like a great Mum and I'm not trying to rain on anyones parade, but I think it's important to remember we're not all in the same boat.

I have support from my DH - but he works full-time, long hours, and we have no family around (parents abroad etc).

So no I am not a single parent, but I wouldn't say we have loads (or any) family support outside of me and DH

My child isn't even ND but he wouldn't have taken in a single word of that lovely calm little speech. It wouldn't have been audible anyway over the noise he would be making.

Nailed it!

Yeah tbf I’ve been really lucky as DS has slept 12hrs straight through since he was (painlessly) born. I also didn’t need to potty train him as he never really needed nappies, just took himself to the toilet when he started walking at 3 weeks old. I didn’t need to have a routine either, just have literally done whatever I want and he’s gone with the flow, even taught himself makaton which was a shock. Out of nowhere, he started speaking fluently at 4 months old, and he’s never once cried apart from briefly when he was born. Been an absolute piece of cake 🙄

Honestly I’ve been nothing but supportive of the OP. I think it’s extraordinary how women do this to each other. Someone seems to be doing ok so let’s diminish that in some way, invalidate it, mock it. I have said nothing snide about anyone’s parenting at all, and yet here I am having successes belittled (which as a woman with dwarfism is something I’ve dealt with a lot in my life, pun intended). The OP literally tagged me asking me questions which I answered kindly and without snark or judgment.

Enjoy your children, and your day.

I don’t @TheYearOfSmallThings was trying to invalidate or mock anything. She was just illustrating that not all techniques work for all children. You were honest with your approach and she’s been honest with hers.

A strangely angry response to my comment?!