I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

It's an absolute shock to the system. I honestly couldn't believe it. I 'knew' what havibg kids would entail but I didn't know how I'd react to it until I was in it.

I'm used to it now (I have three) but the adjustment was so hard. I'm still very angry about my career which is in tatters as I decided to work PT (so did my DH but is career is fine, more anger!).

I have no real advice but I would say try to let go of the guilt. You feel how you feel about it and it's hard to move through things if you're giving yourself a hard time about it.

It can be very boring and draining. But you love your child and no-one else is judging you. Give yourself a break on trying to keep a perfect home. I found every year was better as DS personality became more developed and he could express himself.

Totally disagree about having a second so they entertain each other. From what I've seen you spend more time separating them. DS is an only and enjoyed sport so built strong friendships through clubs.

I read an article a few years ago about a mum who hated being a mum in a lot of ways but also loved it at the same time. Basically she admited that she despised the age between 1 and 2. She said that all 4 of her kids were the most irritating selfish little pricks she'd ever met, each at that age. Basically OP you're in a very hard period, it does get soooo much more rewarding. Don't even worry about how you feel, we've all been there!

Pl don’t beat yourself up, you weren’t to know how you would find the reality, nobody does.

My BF was adamant from an early age that she would have three DC. Her DH was happy to go along with this. However, she found having a baby/toddler/primary age child so incredibly difficult, she stuck to the one and went back to work FT when baby was a few months old. She hated being needed all the time, having no real independence.

Also, when you see women sailing through those early years, like I did, absolutely loving every minute of it, bear in mind that they might have a dreadful time of the teenage years. I had no idea how tough they would be for me. Nearly broke me.

Try to find some time for yourself every day. It will all be worth it, I promise.

Yes I felt exactly the same OP. I did have PND but even after it was treated and I was feeling significantly better (and no longer mentally unwell) I still felt the same. What I will say is that it has got better year on year, and now that DD is 6 I genuinely feel that my life is better for being a parent. Not just because I love DD endlessly – because I still did that even when I hated being a parent and it didn’t make things easier! – but because she enriches my life more than any of the things I would be doing if I wasn’t a parent. Plus now that she’s older there aren’t many things I can’t do, and I get a lot more sleep which is a BIG thing for my mood! It took a while to get here but I did, and you will too. Well done for being honest – it’s such a taboo subject but there are other women out there who feel the same.

Are you a single parent? You sound burnt out, lots of us can relate. Ultimately no one is going to give you the time and aspect to feel like you, you have to demand it and take it. Go for a swim every Thursday evening (example but timetable in your own space), give yourself Saturday mornings for you. Nap when you can, find small pockets of joy that fill your cup. This is all harder if you are a single parent but if you’re not, share the load. Make sure you’re not martyring yourself, parenting is teamwork.

I remember that stage. I was like a zombie. Every age got better - now mid primary is amazingly good. You will be you again I absolutely promise.

It’s really, really hard for some of us. I felt the same as you. I was in great distress a lot of the time, cried a lot and honestly sometimes I thought I wouldn’t survive. And 19 months can be a really tough age.

It absolutely does get better. This is a phase you just have to survive. You’re not a failure or a bad mother, you’re a normal person finding difficult times difficult.

People who have “easy” toddlers who don’t do that whole terrible twos thing (mine started at one, and the HV said that was common) have no idea how awful it can be. Like my neighbour, whose toddler was the quietest, most placid child I’ve ever seen, and who couldn’t understand why any mum struggled.

I hear you!!

I'm not the Martha Stewart/Mary Poppins glam, yummy mummy I'd always envisaged!!

I'm hot and hormonal and my 2, ds10 and dd4, drive me nuts bickering a lot, and I can only see this getting worse as ds10 get in to his teenage years! I was only child so I never know if this bickering is normal though.

It is hard, and although the newborn baby stage is my favourite, it does get easier as they get more independent. My 2 truly are the light of my life and when I hang out them individually or when they're getting on, it's so lovely!

But I do feel like I've lost myself in having them, I lost my job in covid, I'm menopausal and I miss the old me and wish I'd done more selfish things when I was younger like travelling etc.

YANBU, I felt similarly I think. You're in the tough part now. They get so much more fun once they can speak. And then when they're sick less often and you get reliable sleep.

Mine are 6 and 4 now and it's so much easier. They're actual people!

It does get better. My dc are adults now. I didn’t enjoy the early years and felt I’d lost myself completely. Having someone who is totally dependent on you is so draining. It’s less physically tiring in the teenage years but more emotionally difficult. But they are adults now and after many worrying times they are now settled in jobs and relationships. I am so proud of the people they have become , and enjoy family times together.
I am retired and have freedom again. My personal opinion is that my life has been both incredibly more difficult than it could have been without them, but so much more meaningful and rich.
Even knowing about the bad times I would do it all again. And I wouldn’t have 1 child. Too much pressure on them

I felt the same. I hated the toddler years as they were bloody awful, and the combo of that, no support network (except for DH) and giving up work for 3 years made me a shell of my former self.

I’ve adjusted but it took until DS was at school 😬 It’s different now but a lot of stuff you said still resonates - being on the clock all the time, never having time to do simply nothing, always having to carry the mental load (and dh does a lot compared to most) We stopped at 1 as I just couldn’t do it again. I love DS and don’t resent him at all, but if I could go back and make the decision again, I wouldn’t have had a kid

I could have written this myself a few years ago. My child is nearly 7 now and I don’t feel like this at all anymore. It will get better. You’re doing a fab job Mama so don’t beat yourself up for not enjoying it. Try and engineer some time for yourself each week x

I have a 19m too! I really get you op! I love my two BUT I do think I have become a more stressed, frustrated and irritable person after having kids. I have an 8yo who is really the best, that age is pure bliss. He is sooo independent, can entertain himself and just easy. I know when he was around 3/4 that's when it turned around so I have been counting down. I must say that now my dd is 19m and able to play with ds. I'm able to get more stuff done as they sit together for 15-20min. It really does get easier. Hang in there.'

The early years are tough and relentless. Primary years are magic. Teens can be tricky but if you are firm when they are young and instil good boundaries and respect and you are lucky teens can be brilliant. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

On holiday with our two teens and having a blast. Our lives are enhanced for having them around (though they can be maddening of course)

YES. Young children are lovely in micro-doses, but since mine turned 9/10/11 year olds life is immeasurably better. They are now teens and fabulous. Fun, interesting, interested and overall life enhancers.
4-8 they are hilarious but can still need lots of bedtime reading... LOTS OF BEDTIME READING. And you still need to do lots of cooking.
From 9 onwards, they still love a good story or chat but can be self sufficient. Obviously cooking for the family makes sense but they can self-help from the fridge if necessary.
Obviously toddlers etc are gorgeous and cute, but not full-time. Everyone has a part to play.
The very young children stage was exhausting drudgery. I'm so glad I have photos or I think my memories would not be good ones. Hang on in there. Slightly older humans are fantastic 😊

OP no advice but I hear you. I feel the same sometimes- mine at 7 and 4 and I love the bones of them and things are easier. But I agree that 90% of life feels like a slog- life admin, rushing from work to school to clubs to home, picking up after them, cleaning, washing, paying for clubs, helping with homework, food prep, bath time etc etc. I feel like I never feel relaxed, never have time for me at all any more. We’re in that stage where a lot of our friends have babies but those who don’t are travelling, having a great time, sleeping in etc. it’s hard and I miss child free life. But I love the kids.

I resonate with everything you've said-losing my personality and sense of fun especially. I am long past this stage now (youngest is 9, and I do have more than one child).

I just wanted to let you know, it all comes back. Your sense of humour, your enjoyment of life, enjoyment of your children-it all will come to you.

The stage you're currently in is horrendous. Only today, I went for a walk with my kids. I enjoyed it! They're big enough to go on their own, to be careful of traffic, I don't have to watch them every fucking second like when they were tots. I found myself thinking, "Thank Christ I'm past the toddler stage". Even though it was years ago, I still remember what a drain it was. It was SO HARD.

Don't despair OP, you'll get through it, and then the rewarding parts of parenting come.

Exactly what I was going to say

We romanticise parenthood like we romanticise marriage. We should be teaching kids that both are fucking hard work, especially for women. We should be collectively demanding a hell of a lot more from men, and from society in general.

Make your partner do more, if you have one - you didn't say. If he refuses, kick him out of your life. Then just focus on getting through it because as everyone says, it does get easier. One day they actually leave home and you have your whole life back, though you'll get it back in increments well before then. Hang on in there.

I recommend reading / listening to 'Raising a Happier Mother' by Anna Mathur. We are victims of our own expectations of motherhood and this talks about getting the the heart of your pin up mum fantasy before you were actually a parent, as well as working through all the stuff you talk about. I've been there. It's grim. It does get better but you need to learn tools to help yourself and ask for help.

I don't think many of us are the mothers we thought we would be. I doubt many are excited to see their toddlers every day either, they're hard work!
Do you have the option of a weekend away to just be yourself? You sound like you really need a break. I had zero family support but a couple of friends were great and babysat for me overnight on a couple of occasions.

To all the people saying, 'there is no ME'. Isn't that the point? Children teach us to let go of being selfish. Marriage does it too, just not as effectively. When you get into a relationship, you can't just think about yourself as you did when you were single. You make certain adjustments. Same with kids.
Dead honest, I think your perspective has to change. I think we as a society constantly tell each other how hard motherhood is (thread is a prime example). Instead of saying, you know what, change your perspective. Get up and say , I get to be a mother, I het to make food and I am choosing to enjoy it. Much of life is a choice. You can choose to be happy or wallow and focus in the things you lost die to motherhood instead of the things you gain. I'm not saying this to be mean or diminish anything. I honestly think attitude is everything. You can't change having a baby ,so rather than focusing on the do call bad, just eliminate those thoughts entirely.
They just keep you down.

I'm sorry you feel this way but it's not my reality. It's very personal.

@Sosadd11 as Michael Jackson once said “you are not alone”

I have a 2.5yr old and 6m old
No financial issues, family support, a cleaner, my oldest is still in childcare 4 days a week and I have a husband who pulls his weight (ie 30%) 😅
I have nothing to complain about vs many women… YET

I have aged beyond belief and i look like I could be the mother of the 2020 version of myself…
my career is on ice my body is a mess my brain is addled my marriage is strained
I am constantly thinking rushing list making and being again sponge nag I hate who I have become

I don’t understand why women aren’t screaming in the street at the injustice of it all.

that said my oldest is the light of my life she brings me unparalleled joy especially now she is coming up to 2.5

no answers just solidarity