I am not the mother I thought I would be

[Sosadd11]

I hate it, if I’m totally honest. Which I never am in real life. Yes I love my child (19 months). Yes I’ve had moments of joy and yes being a parent is amazing in lots of ways. But fucking hell so is travelling the world, furthering your career, having a relationship just focused on you.

Physically I feel shit. Not lack of sleep but just lack of anything for me. Even when I do go to the hairdresser or similar, I’ve still had a million jobs to do before then and don’t turn up chilled out and fully focused on myself anymore. And I’m always on a fucking timetable. I hate it. Constant cleaning up, whinging, throwing food, grabbing, possessions runined… I know it’s all toddler stuff and the sad thing is I know I’m lucky, they’ve been an easy baby and barely had any real tantrums. It’s not them. Im just sick of it. One day enjoying their meal the next rejecting it. If you’re ill you carry on. Lie ins don’t really happen because even if you can you’re programmed to wake by 7.

I thought I would have so much patience. I don’t. I cannot wait until bedtime.

I genuinely hate my life so much. My messy house. My finances just about in tact. My career not taken a hit yet but taken a back seat because it’s just not fucking possible to do it all well all the time. It sounds dramatic but I really feel a number is done on women 90% of the time. Yes some men are decent but lots still don’t do their fair share, even when it’s perceived to be.

Did anyone ever feel this and then change their perception? I don’t know how I will get through it all if this is how I am. And no I genuinely don’t feel depressed, I think that’s another thing throw at women when actually it’s just motherhood means mostly putting on women and god forbid it’s called out without a clinical condition attached to that reaction (note I’m not downplaying PND, I just know this isn’t it).

It will get better. It doesn’t feel like it now, but trust us, this is the absolutely worst. When they start talking it gets a lot easier because at least you are not trying to second guess the problem.

hang on in there, don’t take things too seriously (washing, hair, career, etc). You will find yourself again, and one day you’ll yearn for when they were little and needed you.

What were you expecting? God help you if you have a child with a learning disability. Be thankful you have a healthy child some children are fighting for their life from birth.

This is the hardest part honestly, once they start getting closer to school age it is much easier!!

Do you have a partner at home? Because quite honestly this is the only way I’ve managed to maintain some of “me”. Share the mental load and talk to them about how you feel. If I want to go to the gym or the shops etc without family in tow, I tell DH how I feel and it’s what I need for a mental break and he’s supportive and it goes the other way too.

Don’t be afraid to use childcare, ignore what people say on here about long nursery hours because if you like work then you do you and fuck the mum guilt.

Hang in there, it does get easier I promise x

Little kids are such hard work and it's so intense all the time. I have a 4.5 year old and everything is so much better than when she was under 3! I found each age slightly better than the last so far (newborn was awful due to lots of little health issues). Don't quote me on that when the teenage years hit though!

Will you send them to nursery when they turn 2? That might help to free some brain space, even if just a couple of mornings a week at first x

Because if women knew the reality we probably wouldn’t do it!
However, it does get better, much better, think of it as an exciting rollercoaster. Mine are all almost adults now, god it was really hard at times, it still can be. But I can’t imagine my life without them

I feel like this sometimes. It's just relentless. Work is much easier than parenting! At the same time, I love him so much and do really enjoy hanging out with him and playing when it's good. He's only just 2 and I did feel quite a big change once he got better at communicating and doing imagination play. It is still really hard sometimes (especially when any of us is ill) but it does feel like it's going to get easier....though the tantrums can really get to me.

I think it's just a waiting game though and in the meantime making sure you carve out time for yourself.

I feel every word you said. I have no real advice apart from that you get used to it and they aren't little forever. I hated until about age 3. Now she's 6.5 and my little best mate but I still find most days hard.
I never realised how selfish I was. I still don't like the mess, lack of sleep etc.
I have lots of childfree friends and I envy their lives. I'd never be without my daughter, but honestly I am not a natural mother.
It will get better!
One thing I say quite often on here is that you don't need to have another ...ever! If you don't want to. I didn't 😊 It's good to have one x

I absolutely felt like this when my child was 18 months ish. She’s almost 3 now and love being her Mum so much, I feel guilty for ever feeling that way. It’s hard and I don’t think you can ever fully prepare yourself

Yep, it's relentless.
My career and health are fucked beyond repair. People say 'What did you expect?' but you don't really have any idea until you're a parent and it's not as if you can put it back. Thankfully DD (one and only) is a teenager now and the days are better, but if I'd known then why I know now, I would have stuck to my guns and not had any.

I only had one I'd definitely recommend it

Helpful 🙄

OP, from someone who absolutely loved the baby and toddler years: it is relentless, it is a grind and despite how much I loved it (and I did), I was really looking forward to bedtime by the end of the day. It's hard work! Everyone needs a break from whatever they're doing. It's ok not to enjoy this bit. It doesn't make you a bad mum. It just makes you a mum who can't wait until bedtime.

God I HATED the toddler years!! So mind numbingly dull, expensive, exhausting and messy!

I have a very stressful job - once, when mine were 5, 3 and 1 (I know, blame my hormones) the shit hit the fan at work and it was carnage.

One of the junior staff said admiringly “wow, Winter, even with all of this you’re still calm and in control” I had to resist the urge to shriek YES THAT’S BECAUSE EVEN THIS GIANT CLUSTERFUCK IS EASIER THAN PARENTING A TODDLER!!!!!!

Mine are all teens now and despite the challenges that can bring I find it so much easier! You can have a decent conversation and a laugh - even if they do leave their giant stinky trainers everywhere.

Hang on in there OP and stay off any social media bullshit that portrays the toddlers years as magical (maybe magical in the sense of tiny Dementors I suppose) x

Yes I felt like this. I tried so bloody hard and gave it my all but I fucking hated it, especially 0-4 yrs.

Mine is 9 now and probably for the past couple of years I've thought I've had some semblance of a life back. Of course life still revolves around them but it's way more manageable and they are pretty self sufficient in so much as can make basic food, get drinks, help around the house, dress and wash themselves, not have tantrums, are good company etc.

I do still feel a little resentful that my life isn't really my own but Christ it's nothing like the early years.

I also stopped at one child!

It will get better OP although at this age it feels like it'll be shit forever.

I hated 18m-4 years. My daughter was an easy baby then a handful toddler/preschooler but I think I was mostly just really overstimulated by noise. Even now when she whines or cries it triggers me. I honestly could not cope at all with a toddler. But now she is five and 95% fun to hang out with and doing well at school... It gets easier. So much easier! Hang in there.

I feel for you, you are not alone. I was given a very good advice at the start, that my baby is as important as I am, because I am the key carer, if you start thinking this way, it’s so very liberating, you will do stuff for yourself without the guilt.
I work full time and I enjoy being away from home, because when I get home, my dd is on top of me straight away, all of the time, at weekends too, because she misses me and I miss her too, but I also miss me too, so you should go out in your own more often even for 15 min, go to the hairdresser, leave the house untidy, it never is with toddlers anyway. Mine is 2.5, it does get easier incrementally, I love her to bits, she’s the joy of my life but I know for sure I am one and done😀.

I have one at both of these ages right now 😂 glad to know I've got reason to feel as stressed as I do

I know I've posted a reply to a similar thread on here before, so apologies if I'm just repeating myself!

I absolutely hated motherhood when my DDs were small. Until the youngest got to about 3, I just hated how little my life didn't feel like my own any more.

Once we were "out of the trenches" of nappies, bottles, potty training etc., and they were just small people, I found is so much easier, and I was able to find some space to be me again.

As they've got older, I think "This is my favourite age!", but then the next year I think the same, and on and on, so for me, it's got better, more fun and more rewarding as they have aged. My DDs are 15 and 17 now, and are my favourite people (along with DH) in the world, I love spending time with them and no longer feel desperate to carve out snatched moments on my own.

For me, it definitely got better - much better, but I do remember just how miserable I was when I was where you are now @Sosadd11. Fingers crossed it will be the same for you.

In case you wonder why I had a second DC when I hated being a mother so much after the first one; I was determined that DD1 would have a sibling, it was what DH and I had planned and I wasn't open with him about how unhappy I was at the time (I have talked about it since though). DD1 didn't sleep through the night until she was 3, and when she hit 12 months, we decided to TTC as I knew if DD1 started sleeping though, I'd be reluctant to start not sleeping with a new born again!

You definitely have the most valid reason!! I feel like your nervous system gets totally shot looking after pre-schoolers as you have to be so alert!

I have to say it wasn't what I pictured. I'm not sure you ever really know what it's like unless you are in it but by then it's too late. I have had plenty of people say to me that it doesn't get easier, it just gets different. The past few years have been pretty relentless and I feel that I am bottom of the pile but I am aware that at some point I won't be needed anymore and no doubt I'll pine for it. I also imagine if I would be truly living my best life if I hadn't become a mum and the reality is I probably would be bored and felt that my life 'lacked purpose'. It's good to hear people verbalise it because the impression you get from others is that it should be wonderful etc... so it can feel pretty lonely when you are at a low ebb.

Keep going, there'll be a new change afoot before you know it. ❤️

I hear you, I think we need to mourn for the life we used to have and the person we used to be. Another issue is that this is not generally spoken about and I think that bringing it into the light would help so many people. I really struggled with the early months, I had a traumatic experience with child birth, a baby that never slept, problems breastfeeding, problems with post delivery healing, and then just the icing on the cake was a cheating husband who walked out when the baby was 7 months old. So just as I felt I was getting the hang of being a mum I then had to learn how to be a single mum. I would see all the other mums in my peer group appearing to be so much better at it than I was and I used to long for my old life. To just be able to finish a coffee while it was still hot, to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, to relax in the bath, to have a wee in peace! I never had another one, I always felt that I was not cut out to be a mum, impatient, selfish and too fond of sleep. People tell me I was a great mum and of course my love for my child was and is inexpressible and overwhelming but if I had my life again I certainly wouldn't;t want the experience I had. I do think we need to talk about the less-than-rosy side of it as well as the love. Personally, I did find it improved when the toddler years in all their full on relentlessness were over. It does get better and different stages are easier for different people A mate and I were having a chat the other day and she was saying she found her teenager much easier than a toddler, and believe you me she faces some challenges with them! Be kind to yourself, it can feel as if there is a nuclear war going on in your living room in the early years and there is nothing wrong in saying how tough it can be

It can feel so relentless, can't it? I have one child and have worked with lots of mums over the years - what you're describing is so common. It's almost like some kind of effed up, unfair right of passage amongst mothers in our society.

If I could go back, I would let go of the guilt and anxiety I used to feel about leaving my child with other caregivers, and I would put more thought and energy into my own interests and wellbeing. Easier said than done, I know.

I think all parents have these feelings at different times. It's a journey, some phases are incredibly difficult, but it gets easier and then often it's a joy and not difficult at all. You evolve as a parent all the time. Don't be hard on yourself.

Urgh. So if we’re desperately ill, should we not feel awful and just be thankful they’re not dying? If we cut off our finger should we just be thankful it’s not our whole hand? If you’re beaten to a pulp, thankful we’re not dead?

Let women have their feelings and stop trying to stifle them.

Exhaustion and all that, I expected.
No-one told me small children were so mind-numbingly boring.
I honestly thought I would enjoy playing with my toddler. Peekaboo wears thins fast. Hide and seek gets boring when you're told where to hide.
And I always win, let's see who can stay quiet longest.
It does get better.
Promise.
Pinky promise.

My 4 year has recently been diagnosed with autism aswell, she's non verbal and breaks everything I own, it's hard.