Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

I would be offended - I have fair hair and shed a lot but the short dark body hairs in the house are definitely DH! Everyone with hair sheds, can't expect someone to run about binning it constantly (though I will take it off plates....)

Not a red flag, I thing this is a reasonable request.

Pretty thoughtless of you to shed everywhere. NBD, tie your hair up ina ponytail sometimes.

If you were shedding hair loads in my home, I'd probably.ask you to keep your hair tied back. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wouldn't feel comfortable around him anymore. Having a partner comes at a price like changing the sheets more often- that's just life and he's being a baby.

Btw I have fine reddish blonde hair that somehow blends in with a lot of surfaces so is invisible until I find a big clump somewhere- it's not great either 😂

Does he have flatmates? If so, entirely possible they’ve been moaning about your hair and he thought it was less embarrassing for you not to say that directly.

Perfectly reasonable to not want shedded hair all over the place. Not a red flag - on the contrary.

I know people find hair gross but people also wear real human hair extensions and weaves so it can’t be that bad. At least this hair is mine and not from some poor woman who sold her hair for a pittance!

OP some people shed more than others. I'm also South Asian (mostly) and didn't shed much even when my hair was longer than yours. Now it's shoulder length.

He's being U to ask you to control it. If it bothers him that much well he shouldn't date someone with long hair.

What shampoo do you use btw???

I think you feel rejected of who you are OP and it's not really just about your hair. Have an honest conversation with him and consider if this is the right person for you. I have similar hair btw. What shampoo do you use. Pleas share😊

I would ask him specifically where he's finding it and go from there.
You say you're clearing it from the shower trap, and tying it up to cook, so it sounds like just what you'd expect from an organic being.
As you say, it's a bit much to love some aspects of your hair and complain about others.

Dunno - we are a family of hair. I have lots and lots of quite fine hair (also Indian heritage) and my boys have all this curly madness. It's just one of those things though. My Hoover brush is a thing to behold - I have to cut through where it's wrapped round.

I don't know if it's a red flag, OP.
Your boyfriend might have some issues (I call them free choices of an adult).
For my part, I'm 46, no kids, married.
When I get my apartment again to live on my own, there will be NOBODY crossing the threshold, apart from tradespeople needed.
Good for you to have such hair, mine is quite the opposite.
Some people might say I have OCD, your partner is possibly that way inclined, too.
Rather than a red flag, I would (for myself) call it a choice.
😊

Why does he think tying it up will make it shed less? It will just lead to more breakage. Does he not like it down? I'd be rethinking your compatibility.

Agree. It is annoying, no one should be told they'll just have to put up with it when there's an easy solution.

I'm so on the fence.
It is a bit weirdly controlling however I find shed hair makes me feel sick even my own so always tie up in the kitchen. Nowt worse than pulling out hair from food especially from your mouth 🤮

Also I do think 'not wanting hair everywhere' is reasonable. In the sense that, it's in category of little annoyances that put you off. There are loads of threads on here with woman sharing how silly things like the way a guy holds his fork resulted in a lack of a second date.

It's not like wanting a submissive/quiet woman or one that say only wears miniskirts which would be really weird and over the top.

Ultimately you can't control your hair shedding and it's up to him to decide how much it annoys him.

Plenty of women with different hair types to date if he really can't stand it.

I'm ethnic chinese and I can totally relate. I now have quite short her and it's still everywhere. Even tying it up won't stop it dropping. The hair is very thick very black and very visible. If there is light coloured flooring, I can see a single strand of my hair on the floor from a stand up position. It's now worse in the house becase we have DDs too. If you and him are to have any future, he'll have to get used to how thick the hair is, I'm afraid.

As long as its not in food you are serving people theres nothing wrong with hair, people are being batshit.

Acting as if people have any control over shedding and that they are somehow disgusting and subhuman for it is another thing only mumsnet could use to shame people for natural bodily functions.

Careful don't shed any skin cells at his house either lest you be deemed a dusty minger, you must only go fully wrapped in clingfilm like a full body condom. Plus please don't breath either lest the 'air' thats been in your body get on anything.

I would suggest he dates a poodle instead as they don’t shed at all.

If he hasn't learned how to comprise in a relationship - he's probably not ready for one. What's his dating history like? In my experience, in a healthy, stable and evolving relationship you consider what's best for the relationship first before thinking about your own individual wants, preferences and needs. I know you can't always agree on everything but it's good to be able to accept that sometimes you have to agree to disagree: is that possible here? Be honest with him - talk it out, put your points, stand your ground - be open, be prepared to compromise - try and find a way to take some friction out of the situation - it could be as simple as you making a visible effort to try and clean up more after you visit his place - see how that goes. It sounds petty to me - maybe he's never had to deal with real problems in his life: that helps to put so many things in perspective.

I hate finding hairs places too tbh, even if they’re mine. It’s totally unacceptable to ask you to tie it up, that’s crazy. But I do sympathise with him. My BF said his son found one of my (very obviously my colour!) hairs on the car seat. He also points out if I’ve left elastics by his bed etc but I imagine he just doesn’t want his 12 yo clocking that he’s had a woman in his bed! I do spend time with him so he knows I’m around but it’s different to knowing I’ve been in dad’s bed.

Could it be that he’s worried about someone else finding traces of you there? That would be my only worry really. Are there other traces of you having been there? Is he open about you generally?

It depends where it is. Your partner's hair in a shared bed, yes. Your partner's hair in your arse crack, less yes. Your partner's hair in your casserole... no!

Haven't you ever found one of your own hairs somewhere and gone 'Ew!'?

My DD has beautiful thick long hair (I do too but wear it much shorter). My son complains she is shedding it everywhere!
It's part of you. Either he accepts it or gets another girlfriend.

Just tell him you also keep finding his pubes in your bed and could he have a back, sack and crack wax before he comes over to prevent this.

My adult son has long hair to the middle of his back, he usually wears it tied back but not always. OMG the hair everywhere after he has visited and seems to collect in little lumps, tying it back doesn’t make a difference though. So it’s not just women who shed hair.

Completely missing the point of the thread, but I’m mostly jealous and slightly irritated at your description and self love of your luscious long thick dark hair 😂. But it’s what long hair does, gets everywhere, so he will get used to it!