Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

Even though it’s my hair I don’t particularly like seeing it in bedding myself but what can you do?

Yep red flag and weirdly controlling. Throw this one back into the sea.

I remember my MIL asking me to do this when I moved into my boyfriend's (no husband's) flat. I have the same problem as you!

Yeah it's unreasonable!

Def controlling

I came on initially thinking it was a red flag as he wanted this particular style, but I think as it's to minimise 'shedding' that it's different. I'm in perimenopause and losing a lot of hair, and I started to wear a wide hairband bandana thingy as I was finding my hair everywhere and it was turning me if I'm honest.

Hahahhaa has he never had a girlfriend? Any woman with medium length hair will shed hair everywhere, not just someone with your hair. Every boyfriend I've ever had has joked about it, never annoyed, it's a fact of life. I wouldn't put my hair up for him.

Is he a bit of a baldy slaphead? Tell him to save up all the hairs and fashion them into a lovely wig.

I think this is ok if he asked nicely and accepts it when you say no. But not if he insists.

Dump. Weirdo.

🚩 walk away

It’s an odd request. I’ve got long hair - it’s brown, not black but it sheds a fair bit. It’s just life. It seems odd to attempt to make you control something that’s natural and out of your control. What would he do if things progressed and you moved in together?

Giving in to this ridiculous request will put you on a very slippery slope. Nope. Time to end it.

Oh God I feel his pain.

Whenever my friend's daughter visits, her bloody hair is everywhere.

I even managed to find a strand stuck to the air fryer after she popped a sausage roll in it!

I see no harm in him asking you to keep it tied back, if you're shedding that much.

Having it tied back doesn't actually make any difference to the amount of shedding in my experience. If anything, I shed more when it's up cos a tight pony tail makes hairs more prone to snapping.

Hmm. My first thought was that he doesn't want another lady friend finding your hair but I'm probably really reaching there as your hair will still fall out whether tied up or not.

If it's genuine I'm not sure what the issue is, can't he hoover?

I know I shed a lot, probably more than the average woman just due to thickness. Friend once was astounded by how much hair I left in her brush (she was brushing my hair). It’s just my norm.

I try to be considerate. Not like I can help it. Made me feel like my natural state of being is offensive.

What a vile comment.

Some people find shed hair gross. Doesn't mean it's a red flag.

I actually don't think I it's controlling. I have long, think waist length hair so I know how much it sheds. Knowing how much mine sheds, I wouldn't mind keeping my hair up around a boyfriend's house if he doesn't like finding hairs everywhere. Of course not every time..

I had long hair and even finding my own long hairs made me sick

I think its an ok request. Uoy say you find it everywhere in your own place too. Why should he have to pick it all up gross after you

How is he controlling? Its his flat he doesnt want to find it everywhere. Hes not telling her to cut her hair or keep it up outside mumsnet drama

You need to be able to relax there so he is being unreasonable. But if he's never lived with a woman before he might not realise this is just normal until you point it out to him?

Posters are so quick to call a man controlling, it's like they're waiting for the chance to spout out the word. Hilarious 😂

Pretty much.

Imagine never being able to let your hair down again at home, should this shitshow progress to a proper relationship ☹️.

I'm not sure why you'd choose the word 'offensive'?

It's annoying and can be a bit disgusting on kitchen work surfaces etc, but not offensive.

I shed a lot of hair too and I'd be happy to tie it back, as I get embarrassed by just how much I leave around.

Op it's a bit of a red flag but not a deal breaker depending on how he responds when you tell him he is being unreasonable.
If it were me I'd say look I get that it's a pain but long hair sheds - it just does. Up or down it's going to shed. If you don't like it we can hang just at my place, otherwise sorry but its a part of me and not something I can change. If he shrugs and says yeah fair enough let's just hang at your place then the relationship is going to run it's course pretty quickly. If he says OK I'll learn to live with it then you might have a fighting chance