Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

You aren't a fucking pet so tell him to stop treating you like one.

Get rid, he will always find something about you to nit pick at.

I shed a lot of hair and it really really annoys me. I try everything to minimise it and it makes me irrationally angry the amount of hair I see on the bedroom floor, couch etc. I vacuum several times a week as the site of even one hair just pisses me off.

I have to say I understand him. Whether or not the conversation itself was a red flag (the tone he spoke to you in, etc), I can’t really say. But I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to try minimise the shedding while in his flat. I usually keep my hair in a French plait and brush it out thoroughly in the back garden!

That's your daughter's friend though. At this stage in the relationship he should be finding it quite cute, finding hair when OP has gone home.

It is odd. My husband is quite hairy. I’m forever finding short and curly hair in the bathroom and our bed, amongst other places. I’d never even consider asking him to try to control his hair loss in some way (a pube net, perhaps?) because it’s normal and something completely out of his control. It’s just part and parcel with living with someone. OP’s boyfriend is free to request anything he likes but this request doesn’t bode well for any future for their relationship.

Advice only to be considered IF he is otherwise never controlling:

Could you perhaps plait it when his place is freshly cleaned and tidied as a compromise (this will stop shedding onto surfaces better than a pony tail?

And then leave it down at other times?

There's a compromise.

Do you help out cleaning each others' homes when you spend time there?

By the way, I hope he doesn't leave his bodily hair and fluids at yours. Semen? Wrap it up every time etc. what's good for the goose...

I’m afraid I agree with your boyfriend, I too have very thick long beautiful hair, but it does shed so much, I find strands everywhere and it drives me mad

My then boyfriend (now husband) used to find lots of it in his car, flat, clothes! In fairness he never moaned but I can see how annoying finding strands everywhere can be

Now I have a eufy who collects it all for me! But still tie it up at home xx

I'm interested what did you say to him in the moment when he asked you?

I think his request is fine. Maybe he has found it clogging sinks, and on cooking utensils, in a meal etc.

I’m paranoid know. And that’s half the problem. He hasn’t made me feel safe/secure.

Then you really are wasting your time. Move on.

I would refuse and tell him his request is unreasonable. Clearly he’s never lived with people with long hair before!

And don’t let him bully you into doing extra or all vacuuming either, cos he should be cleaning his place regularly anyway, he’s just finding extra hair!

If he insists then dump him, cos that is weirdly controlling!

I would throw this one back OP. Whether or not he is being controlling is irrelevant. What’s relevant is that he isn’t making you feel good about yourself. I confess that after living with a BF for 3 years he finally asked me to stop brushing my hair in the hallway because my long black hair was collecting in the cream hallway carpet and was a pain to vacuum. But this BF also knew that this annoyed me too and presumably had no concerns that this particular ask might upset me.

There's nothing cute about someone shedding hair all over your house, no matter who they are

Some people don't mind it, some people find it repulsive, just like many things 🤷‍♀️

You can help it though- you can tie up your hair.

really no need to be offended or assume that he doesn't like your "natural state". You are looking for a reason to be offended here.

My sister is like this- long thick black hair and every time she comes to visit the hair is just everywhere.

Just tie it up

I don't think it's controlling at all, I hate seeing shed hair everywhere.

@Hairry how is he in general with everything else? I’m trying to understand why you feel insecure

So I invested in a cordless Dyson as I am actually a neat freak. I can’t say I notice hairs anywhere other than bedding, woolly blankets and jumpers. I hoover my sofa regularly but that’s mostly due to lint showing up on a dark material.

Yeah the odd hair will be found in the fridge or something and it’s not pleasant but I know I’m clean and that’s just the realities of being me.

My first thought was that he's being controlling, but it sounds like he's saying its to reduce shedding which he finds irritating. Your hair so you're used to it, but I can understand someone else not being enthralled by finding it everywhere - a bit like pet hair. Pet owners might not notice it, but others......

It’s not controlling! 😂
People are so strange. It’s ok to not want hair everywhere no matter how beautiful it is.

I think this is a deal breaker. What if the relationship continues, and you move in together not just in his flat? Will he still insist on this even though it is a shared home? I have the same issue, but thankfully my husband just laughs and wonders how I still have hair.
Red flag for me.

If he's finding hairs in his fridge, why wouldn't you OFFER to tie it up? 🤢

*I had long hair and even finding my own long hairs made me sick

I think its an ok request. Uoy say you find it everywhere in your own place too. Why should he have to pick it all up gross after you*

I must have some very weird thing wrong with me but I feel sick too... and I have Indian long hair 🙈
Mine is also mostly tied up because I hate the 'shedding'.

I absolutely hate light coloured tiles in general but especially in the kitchen because it just grosses me out. I absolutely hate random strays about.. UR I know.

I think it's probably ok to ask for it to be tied up in the kitchen or prepping food to minimise hair in food contamination but a bit weird for everywhere

Yes, what's all this about how 'thick, beautiful, glam, luscious' etc it is?

Shed hair is shed hair.

The condition or length of it doesn't really matter when you're picking it out of your sandwich.

@HereToo

Don't be ridiculous.