Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

[Hairry]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Boyfriend and I both in late 20s. So I’ve started to spend more overnights at bf’s flat. But had a funny conversation which just caught me off guard.

So I will boast by saying I am lucky to have very nice hair. Thanks to my Indian grandmother I have very thick, jet black hair. People often ask me which shampoo and conditioner I use. Happy to share. I am currently wearing it very long (just above waist) as I have some big events this summer and having luscious hair is a way to feel glammed up whilst wearing basic dresses/not too much make up.

Anyway, boyfriend clearly likes my hair. Touches it, plays with it etc. But the other day he said he is finding it everywhere and when I’m at his can I please wear it in a ponytail. He didn’t say it rudely. But it’s annoyed me as that’s just part of what comes with having long, dark hair.

I make sure to clear out drain, tie my hair up when cooking. But beyond wearing a hair net there’s no way to prevent strands of hair being around. It’s just annoyed me that he will play with my hair happily and “enjoy” it in one context but dislikes the realities of it.

Is this a red flag? Cause I’m genuinely annoyed. My dad and brothers dealt with it when I was growing up with my sisters who have similar hair.

Does he have OCD ?
So, fast forward, if this relationship is permanent, you end up having to tie up your hair in your home, always, for life...
It's not possible is it. ?

I don't think that's the same as odd hairs found on the carpet , the sofa , in cupboards etc .

I shed hair quite a bit and bought an anti hair wrap vacuum . It's amazing , and collects more hair than you'd realise is lying around !

I rented an apartment where the previous occupant had the sort of hair that you describe. It took weeks to get rid of her hair from literally every nook and cranny of the apartment. It was kind of disgusting tbh. It's not as simple as just hoovering it. When it's very long it wraps itself around the barrel on the head of the hoover and it can be quite a job to cut it out. He's not being unreasonable. It would be worse if he was afraid to say anything and broke up with you instead.

I do think that it's something that you don't notice until it's pointed out.

I'd only lived with girls at university and had never really thought about it, but when a boy moved in he said he couldn't believe how much hair ended up in the hoover and in the drain (we did all take it in turns to clear it!).

I don't know if tying it up would help that much, but maybe say you'll brush it well before you visit to try to minimise it? I think he needs to accept that hair sheds, and long hair is more noticeable but I would be happy trying to reduce the amount I leave behind!

I definitely would not jump straight to the conclusion that he is controlling, assuming he asked politely of course. I am sure many Mnetters live as I do with a really quite hairy man and it is a bit maddening finding hairs everywhere. There’s obviously nothing he can do like tying it up so I don’t mention it, but if there was something as simple as that which could help then I would suggest it! So it’s not necessarily a red flag.

That said it’s clearly a bone of contention and you also said he hasn’t left you feeling safe or secure. I would not accuse him of being controlling on this one issue but I would evaluate the relationship carefully as you go forward and listen to your instincts.

He's controlling and weird.
And it's not really about length; I've got very short hair and still find it around the house.

Jeez, mine is nowhere near as long as yours, you just have to unclog the bath plug and the vacuum cleaner once a week!

I was in two minds as I'm Asian with a lot of hair too. I do get annoyed when friends (of any race) and family visit and they leave all their random hairs everywhere. But I just clean it up and forget about it. As you are his GF and you make the effort to clean the drains etc then he needs to just learn to live with it. Telling you tie it up is controlling.

Remember, just because he has a BAME girlfriend, doesn't mean he isn't prejudiced.

Yeah she should really stop tearing clumps out and decorating the flat with it 🙄🙄🙄 it's not a choice ffs

But you don't know what it's about, for him. Maybe he had an abusive grandmother with long dark hair and finding it around the place is triggering for him.

I think it's worth a discussion before writing him off. He did ask politely.

I'm another fence sitter. I definitely notice more hair around the place when I have long haired lodgers than short haired ones - and I have long thick hair myself!

I'd ask him to think about the fact that his request will mean you won't be able to fully relax at his house now. I'd possibly even agree to giver it a good brush out in the car before I went in to minimise what I shed at his house - but I would ultimately be watching this with a bit of side eye, to see if he carried on making comments about my hair. I think you're very reasonable to give the fact that he's asking this and yet also clearly adores playing with your hair, serious side-eye.

Maybe he's just not as thrilled with your hair as you are. It's a perfectly fair request, you can just say no, no big deal.

Grim. You said your shedding everywhere, you block hoovers. I don't think it's unreasonable to tie your hair back. I have similar length hair and braid it at home so it doesn't shed everywhere

When you tie it up and then you let it out the build up is even worse. The hair will shed no matter what .

I use pureology only because when my hair has air dried my hair does feel ever so slightly more hydrated with this brand compared to others but it’s probably only perceptible to me. But I always tell people that even when I was backpacking in SE Asia and my hair was matted it was still shiny and luscious. It’s really probably all down to genes. My older sister has even nicer hair than me as her hair is less coarse and she literally uses £2 shampoo and conditioner. Andnever styles her hair.

Luck of the draw I guess. But as someone with hairy arms I feel like having nice hair is a make up gesture from the universe for putting me through the hell that was puberty.

BF is actually being unreasonable. Or unrealistic.

By playing with your hair he is helping to dislodge it. Tell him to leave it alone, then reiterate that hair sheds and tendrils are the price of luscious locks.

I have a similar problem, but not so glam as you. His hair sheds too but since his hair is probably short, it goes unnoticed. Get some of those covers for the shower and bath plugs and tell him to grow up. Roses are still worth the thorns.

I have long, thick hair (but blonde). I really don't think it's an unreasonable request. My MIL and my two-year-old(! no idea where she's picked it up from) have real, visceral reactions to finding hairs. I find farting and burping in front of a partner gross and established that at the start of the relationship with my now husband. It's not that big a deal. It's not 'controlling' ffs.

Yep! What could be the next thing he wants to control?

When your partner politely asks you to do something for them, and you tell them to 'grow up and put up with it, I'm worth it', the problem in the relationship isn't your partner.

It’s a reasonable ask. I’ve had long hair most of my life and remember my dad having to set about the hoover roller with scissors as it gets so tangled round (and I have to do that now too!)

It does shed, yes it’s largely unavoidable but it’s hygienic to try and minimise. You’re doing a lot to keep on top of it with the sink etc, and I agree with PP that a ponytail doesn’t stop it completely, but some people are icky about hair and if he’s generally a good guy I’d want to show consideration here.

I do wonder about kids. Because the 1/4 Indian hair gene is clearly dominant amongst my siblings and I. My dad literally never commented on this. Yeah he did the hoover clear out regularly but never made me feel bad about existing in my natural state.

I've long dark thick hair and I shed loads. More than the dogs 😭. I can understand how he might be a bit grossed out, but long term if you moved in together how would he manage?

Regular brushing helps keep shedding hairs on the brush- but hairs in cooking is just grim- as is ''hair poo'' in dogs - where they somehow ingest a human hair and it causes a poo to dangle - and the dog to be alarmed.

Pigeons also lose feet to human hair getting wrapped around their legs.

Underground cleaners remove tonnes of human hair from the rails.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-65464799#:~:text=Clumps%20of%20human%20hair,and%20metal%20from%20the%20tracks.

He's making you feel insecure and self-conscious. And as pp said, wearing it in a ponytail probably won't make that much of a difference. I see no future in this relationship, there is somebody better for you out there.

Genuine question does hair shed less if it's in a ponytail?
I can't see how the relationship can progress if you have to wear your hair up inside? If it got to the point of you moving in together?
What happens when you go to bed, are you supposed to plait it, or is hair acceptable on the pilow?
You are going to end up with one of those paper elasticated hats that they wear in food areas.